Today has been a good day. I woke from a proper nights sleep. I have so few of those, and I actually felt good. I didn't even wear my cpap mask because I went straight off to sleep. Anyway, I was up and awake before 8am which on a non work day is almost unheard of. I opened the living room blinds to see a bird fly in front of me onto the trunk of a tree across the road. Camera to hand I took a few shots of a beautiful Green Woodpecker doing a traditional woodpecker pose. Quite pleased with myself with that, I waited for the engineers to turn up to replace my gas and electric meters. I wont bother you with the details of that but I now have two nice non card/key payment type ones. No more running to the non local shop to get topped up. I could see it was going to be a nice day, the sun shining and a real blue sky. I decided that today was the day I would go for a walk. That was a about 10:30. At 15:30 I managed to prise myself out of the door. Camera in hand I walked off towards the water that I have looked at daily from my window but not ventured out to. The area is know as Milton Common and is the site of what was once mudland and part known as Milton Lake. The area has been reclaimed and turned into grassland. There are three large freshwater lakes called Swan Lake, Duck Lake and Frog Lake.

When I got to the Swan Lake there was someone throwing quantities of bread into the water, which isnt ideal for any of the creatures living there but most of what was thrown in was quickly snapped up by the gulls. Once the gulls had had their fill it turned peaceful again and I took one of my first shots of the day.















A little further along I passed another photographer, we gave each other an agreeable nod as we did so. A few minutes later we found ourselves in the same spot together taking pictures that can be only described as 'one of those moments'. I think I took over 100 shots of this pair of swans with their 6, 2 day old chicks.















At one point while photographing the swans I met with some other smaller creatures. As I had knelt down I balanced myself by placing my hand down onto the grass. Good idea in theory but the nest of brown ants didnt see it that way. Three bites of the most painful sort were shared by them and it was three hours before the pain subsided.

Taking the walk a litttle further on I came to an open end to the lake. I walked up to the waters edge and stood looking. Then there right in front of me at almost arms length....




















One, two, three and then 4 Coot chicks. Mum was close by and it turned out there were 6 in total, two hiding in some long grass.

Sedge Warblers flitting about. Great tits, Greenfinches, Moorhens are just some of the other birds I got to see and hear.

There were wild flowers waiting for my keen eye to spot and capture...

Then it was time to return home.

I had a good day and the first real good day since moving to my new home. I saw lots of things I like, took a zillion or so photo's which I like doing. I got some fresh air, some sunlight into my eyes. A overall sense of wellbeing.

Today WAS a good day.

Spaghetti With a Chance of Meatballs!

The days seem to be flying by and all I seem to be doing is work. My days off are wasted and I know that its all my fault in part. I seem to have had a mad fill of hospital appointments this week too and have had to shuffle my days around to fit things in.

Im finding myself struggling to do things or go places again. I think mainly because I am worrying about the cost of things. I barely have two pennies to rub together and for the first time in my life I am in debt. She still has not come up with the money she owes me and so I will be in debt until she comes good with her promises. Im still holding my breath for the moment. It might appear, albeit late in the day.

I went online last night and did a sensible at Tesco's again for basic groceries. The fridge, freezer and cupboards are all well stocked and will sustain me for a few more weeks. I also needed a haircut badly and seemed to keep putting having it done off. I walked past a hairdressers this afternoon and after walking by, I doubled back on myself and went in. And you know what, I had a great conversation with the lady who did my hair and it was so refreshing to be able to talk about stuff in general. We spoke about the FA Cup Final being held tomorrow and how it was going to affect trade locally for a few hours. We spoke about Iron Man, who I have no idea about but one young member of her family loves to run about madly in his Iron Man costume and everytime he does the sun shines. Idle gossip, god how I miss simple converastion. That lady might not realise it but as she cut my hair it was more than just a hair cut... it was like therapy. I walked out of that shop smiling.

Tonight I have the fun of setting myself up for a sleep study. I collected the equipment from the hospital today and was given a brief run down on how to wire myself up. Oh I can see problems coming up. The thing is basically a unit the is strapped to be waist and then wired and tubes conected to my ribs and chest. THen there is a small unit that goes over my middle finger of my left hand which I think monitors the oxygen levels in my blood. Another tube hooks up to my face mask which I have to use when I go to sleep, which is in turn attached to the cpap maching. This forces air into me keeping my airway open. Oh the joys of sleep Apnoea (did I spell that right???). Tonight I am going to resemble a pile of spaghetti... if there are steaming meatballs on top then I wired myself up wrong!!!!!
The reason for this study is that although I have been using the cpap machine for quite some time now, I am still having a lot of trouble staying awake during the day. The machine should have made some major difference but its apparent that its not having the effect it should be. So this is just basically being set up to see what is going on while I am apparently sleeping. Hopefully there will be some answers.

On top of all that I had another appointment at the hospital today too. This was at the hearing clinic. I have had a hearing aid for some months now but they would only put one in my 'good' ear. I didnt even know I had hearing loss in that ear until quite recently when they set me up for the aid. The ear that I am really quite deaf in has caused me a lot of problems over the year and which rsulted in my having a major operation on it in 2002. Regular visits to the hospital have been ongoing since then. Today the specialist made the decision to give the go ahead for a hearing aid in my deaf ear. Who would have thought it eh. They really did have reasons for concern putting a hearing aid into me 'deaf' ear, but it is going to be so interesting to see if this makes the difference I have been in need of for such a long time.

So its time to go wire myself up... until the next post.

Blossoming

Things are becoming normal in my life, if that is the correct way to describe it.
I still have my 'feeling down' moments, there are no highs and I'm not really expecting any. No, that's a actually a lie. I had a visit from my cousin who I have not seen in years. Probably about January 2002 if memory serves me right. It wasn't a long stay but she drove down and I cooked what turned out to be a lovely veggie roast dinner with apple pie and custard for pudding. Amazing what you can do with frozen foods. My cousin didn't complain either and she polished off her plate quite quickly. We just chatted about things regarding our families past and present. Remembering our grandparents and talking plenty about, as I have previously described... our dysfunctional families of the present. That was on Sunday and probably the first real conversation face to face I have had since I was in London which must be at least 6 weeks ago now. I'm not afraid to admit I feel quite lonely. I mean, as bad the experiences I have had over the past few years were, there was at least someone in my life and conversations to be had. Now I go to work and come home. There are no conversations as such. Hello's and 'Do you work here?' by customers is as much as I can hope for. I come home to the cat and get a lot of noise which interprets loosely as, 'Where the fudge have you been for the last 10 hours, don't you know I need feeding?'. I have Friday off this week so I plan to go out on Thursday evening to The Barn which is local to me. They hold an Open Mic night there every Thursday which I have been to plenty of times before. I feel like going along just to get me out of the flat. But not just for that reason. Actually because I feel like I want to go. I know a few faces there and there is generally some good music to be heard. I hope I manage to switch off the getting out the door phobia. I will let you know how it goes.

I don't know if I have mentioned it previously but I came home the other day and the flowering Cherry Tree outside my window had burst open its flower buds in one gigantic blossom explosion.
The deep blue sky against the pink hues of the blossom looked fantastic and it brought a smile to my face as the sunlight filtered through the opaque petals.
I love nature at its best and in its natural glory. I think it is great to see things happen like that. I call it natures art, because that to me is what it is. I have added a photo I took so you can share some of my enjoyment.

Which brings me to something else. I have always had a passion for all things art. Drawing, painting, design, photography and of course, nature. All of those categories fit well with each other. Well in my book they do anyway and I think that that is where I am going to head. Like some people who play a musical instrument, they take great pride in what they do and achieve, but always striving for a little more, something new, something different. I have always been told I am good at art and photography. Ever since I was a young child I was always pointed out at school as 'the boy who can draw'. I know people like my photography, because I am told so by folks who see my photos.
Today, I had a nice message from a dear friend whom I have never met but have known for a long time via the Internet. She said that if I ever start to publish my artwork on a website or blog, make sure I let her know. That is what I am going to do. I will keep this blog ongoing as a reminder of my daily-ish thoughts, but open up some new pages in the form of a gallery to show some of my work. This in turn will be the incentive to get me out in my spare time to take photos of the things around me locally, and maybe sit and sketch, something I have not done for a very long time.

So there it is, I have an action plan in the making. I didn't see it coming but its just slapped me right across the face shouting wakey wakey.

Waking is something I will be doing in about 6 hours from now so until the next post...

Living in a World of Sundays

Well, it took a long time coming but I have finally got around to another installment of this blog. I feel like a totally different person from the one I was when I started this off those few weeks ago. Well since then, I have found and moved into my new home. Things have gone very well and everything went smoothly more or less. I have been here just over a week now and I feel at home. I didnt think I would but I do. Im not bothered about anything or anyone now. I am free to live my own life again and although I wouldnt say I am happy happy, I am ok and not struggling to keep up with things. She is acting a little strange as it turns out. For one that went off on one with me like there was no tomorrow, she has suddenly been strangely friendly towards me. I seriously think she needs to know what I am doing and how I am coping. Maybe she thinks I wouldnt and wants to gloat. Im not sure but I am a little wary. She has been around a couple of times now mainly to bring odd things that got left behind and post that has gone there. But she has also called up to ask if I am home as she wants to come and help me get things tidy and unpacked. This evening included. So she came around and started by sitting down and promptly falling asleep on the sofa. She had come round straight from work and was obviously tired. I made a cup of tea anda she had woken again by then and got around to emptying some of the boxes. Admittedly she has a knack of getting things done but I felt a little like she was trying to be in control. I have got on for the week without her and I to be quite frank, not really given much thought about her. Its how she wanted it and its how she is getting it. I really cant be arsed anymore. She showed me the sort of person she really is inside and I do not really want to associate myself with her anymore. It all feels a little surreal with her being here. Im not quite sure why she is bothering.

Anyway, enough about her for the moment. I have a home, a flat and a nice one at that. The furniture is in place and shelves filled with all manner of books and dvd's. I have new pots and pans which means I can now cook some real food at last. I have food in the cupboards and freezer. Everything is just about in its place and it feels good. I can go to bed at night and get a reasonable good nights sleep, well as much as I can with bouts of waking up. Im not sure why I am waking but I hope to get to the bottom of that when I have my sleep apnoea clinic on Thursday. I am wearing my face mask so I shouldnt be waking up. All I know is I am having trouble, and I mean real trouble staying awake during the day at work. Im worried that its seriously going to effect my health.

Something else I cant quite believe is how quiet it is here. Outside is like living in a world of Sundays. Hardly a car on the road and few people about at any time. Its almost like a typical sleepy village. When you sit at the bus stop it seems you will always end up in a conversation with whoever else is standing there. Its almost like being in a different world and still only half a mile maybe from where I was living before. I dont mind it at all though. I can open my windows and not hear traffic. I can hear birds though. I can look out of my window and see the water on Langstone Harbour on the far side of the university sports field. I have not ventured out for a walk yet as I have had work to do and getting things sorted out indoors. I may have a little wander tomorrow afternoon if the weather is nice.

Did I say it earlier in this post... well if I did I am going to say it again anyway. I feel so very different. I am not ashamed of the way I felt before I got to here. I learned some valuable lessons in life. Who to trust, who not to trust. True friendships, and some with empty values. I went through sheer hell, but although I didnt know it then, it has made me stronger. Everything that has happened in the past is just that... 'in the past'. I have a future, and it is what I make of it that will make all the difference. Im looking forward to moving forward and setting out with some new plans and ideas. Starting out taking small steps at a time, little by little until I can start to take bigger steps and make my life worthy of living. I look forward to being the me I can be. It will take time but I will get there. I hope that in some way people will see me for who I am and maybe try and get to know me a little more. Not because they have to but because they want to. If that happens then I know I will have made a very big difference.

Enough said for now. Until the next post....

Penny Pinching

I've been sitting here with a blank screen in front of me for about 5 minutes now not knowing for sure what to write. I don't want to go over again what I have already been saying. Nothing has changed there. I managed to have a conversation with her this evening albeit short lived. I questioned her over a matter of money. Money that she has promised me from the outset to pay for the costs of myself having to move out. She keeps avoiding giving me any straight answer. Tonight was not any different really. She basically told me to stop going on about it. She told me how she had to shell out £400 fees to the bank today, and that was not expected by her. I only pointed out to her that I hadn't expected to be suddenly confronted with the costs of having to leave my home, because of her actions. That was the end of the conversation. I went and cooked myself something to eat and watched a little tv. She suddenly flew down the stairs and I managed to ask what she was doing and she said going to get something to eat. Well I assumed the local chippy but that was about 3 hours ago so I can assume that I will get woken later when she comes in the front door. Well that is assuming she does come in tonight and not 06:30 like she did this morning. Still, its no skin of my nose. She can do what she pleases, she cant do any worse than what she has already done to me. She has more than proved that she has very few morals, if any. The likely hood of me getting any of this money at the moment doesn't look very likely. Its mostly money she owes me from when we first moved down here. I used up all of what savings I had and she promised me back then that she would repay me for various things when she was working again. Well she got regular work but the money didn't show. I didn't ask her for it as I didn't think I had to. We were together and I was happy with that. I thought I would get the money sooner or later. But again, now I look back on things, its all clear that she has tried to make a fool out of me and used me from the outset.
I will badger her until she pays me what she owes me minimum. Just because I will have moved out does not mean she wont here from me. I will make sure she doesn't forget. And when she has done the honest thing, then she can do whatever she pleases. But I WILL be on her back until then. I might be starting to sound mean but I don't think I am being anything of the sort. Its time she started understanding a few things. All the time she is seen by me to be going out to various places for dinners, pubs, whatever else, I see that as her spending money that belongs to me. I have nothing now, she has seen to that. She told me I should scrimp and save a little but how do you scrimp and save something when you haven't got anything to scrimp and save with. Well she can do a bit of penny pinching to and give me what she owes me. Then and only then will I let her be. I think it might be a long month or so for the both of us.

Well I have one more day at work until my 3 day epic weekend starts. So much to do, I am hoping everything goes smoothly and without any problems. I was thinking that I have not been living on my own now for over 5 years. I never thought I would end up back to living alone again. I have a fear of being alone, I'm not sure how I will cope with that. It might come a lot easier than I am thinking right now. But there is one certain thing I know I will not miss and that is being in the same house as her. That I will be glad of. There will be a lot of things to get used to again while living the single life. There will also be a lot of changes made to my life and how I spend my time. As long as I just enjoy the experience and make things happen for me, then all will be good in the world. If other people are not interested in what I do then that's not my problem, I will find others that share common interests. This is the rest of my life and I am going to start living.
And as long as my little putty tat has a warm place or two to sleep his days away, then he will be happy too.

I hope to add a final post tomorrow night before I ship out to new worlds... well just along the road actually. If not then the next one will be from my new home and there should be plenty to tell then.

So, until the next post...

Almost There

Well it has been a few days since my last post. There have been arguments and moments of tense peace over the last few days. Lots of stuff has been packed and ready to be moved on Saturday, the day I finally move out. I say finally like its something that I have been waiting to do for a long time. Its been almost a month now since I found out what she had been doing. And even now I am seeing her totally differently from how I used to. She really isn't the person I knew and I don't say that just because I am trying to get back at her for how she treated me. Its because she really has changed. I don't know this person she has become. She is not a nice person, and I am glad I will not be around her for much longer and I wont have to think about her.
I was recently made aware via what she has told me that she is now in a relationship. I will try not to laugh too much as I write this. She told me the other night quite sincerely that her 'new bloke' really feels bad for me. I asked why he would think that as she never talks about me according to what she does tell me. She said its because he said it he feels for me because I have lost such a wonderful woman like her. Oh is she for real... or is he for that matter. When I first met her I didn't think anything of her. We were just in the same place at the same time. We met a few more times at various venues. When we finally got together I did fall in love quickly and I did think she was a wonderful person. But when I met her she was seeing various other guys but she stopped seeing them for me. I now know she never was really going to change for long. That's why I feel I was just a convenient excuse for her to leave London and move in with me before moving where we live... lived together until now. She is manipulative, that's for sure and she will quite happily latch on to people to get whatever it is she wants for that moment. She will hurt people to get what she wants. She has proved that on two other occasions that I know of. She will be happy for a while... maybe she will be happy for years. It shouldn't matter to me any more. I just hope that one day she will make a mistake and people will really see her for what she really is. There are people about her who I really don't think know what has gone on. All they know is she is 'single' again. I don't think they are aware how much she hurt me. I know there are those that do know what I went through. Sadly some have chosen to act as if nothing has happened. A form of acceptance and I guess it makes her feel that she has a seal of approval from them. I'm not sure that is the case but it makes me feel bad that I have, due to all that has happened, made life awkward for them. But those people have not been in touch to see how I am. Are they people I can still call friends? Maybe they only tolerated me because I was with her. I don't suppose I will know for sure. I just know I will feel awkward around those people if we cross each others paths.

Something I am becoming aware of is that my dreams, although I cant remember them, are disturbing my sleep. I think my unconscious mind is struggling to cope with all the data it is trying to make sense of. I am feeling very tired again. Even with a so called good amount of sleep I still feel drained. I hope it is just everything that has happened and that is happening that's causing it.

Well I will try and get one more post in before my move. Then it will be at least the middle of the week before I can post again as I get the cable set up again mid week.

So until the next post.... to my friends and those who read this, may only good find you.

Happy Bunny

A Passing Thought

Should there ever be a day in my life I want to cry, today is the day.
The day that again, I feel abused without a touch being felt,
a word being said, a look being glanced.
Today is the day I am going to be sad, but only for today.
For tomorrow is not today, and who knows what tomorrow will bring me?

John Day - 13/09/97 02:56am


While sorting through stuff that has been packed and unpacked and then repacked over the years, I found an old note pad of mine with the above entry in.
I could have written those words yesterday.

It has been a quiet day today. No arguments and she did help me in getting started with the packing. Not that I have got much done so it means twice as much work tomorrow but it will be done. Its got to be. I managed to get hold of a removal company and they are coming out to 'preview' what needs to be removed on Monday afternoon. I also managed to speak to the cable company and I was stunned. I told them I was moving and as finances would be a little tight initially, would it be possible perhaps to take away some of the services or reduce them. I could do without the phone line as I have enough airtime on my mobile to cover most of what I would ever use. The guy on the end of the phone said I would only reduce the bills by about £4 a month and as it costs approximately £30 now it wasnt a great amount. He then said, 'Hold on a mo, let me tap a few keys here and see what happens', followed by,' how about we reduce your payments to £17 for six months?'. I asked if that was for the same service I was receiving now and the answer came back as a firm yes.
How is that for customer service and what a great way of keeping your customers.
The thing is I have always been impressed with the customer services at Virgin and I would always recommend them to anyone.

So I am a happy bunny today. I feel better than I have in a while, and although I still have a long way to go before I get my life sorted out, I feel I am now getting somewhere.

Tiredness creeps up on me quickly and this moment in time is of no exception,
so until my next post... and may your day tomorrow, whichever day it happens to be, be a happy one.

Entertainment

I was not going to write anything this evening. I didnt think I had anything to say for once but I had itchy fingers so to speak and knew that as soon as I started typing the words will flow and I can feel them building up as I rattle away at the keys. I wouldnt say I had a screaming row with her this afternoon but I think we can safely call it a heated exchange. She still bugs me and she doesnt know why she does it. She has absolutely no idea how she made me feel and just the fact that she is so narrow minded about the whole thing. I try to shut it all out but it just gets in and manifests itself. I must say I am getting over her though. I see her in a completely different light and its like I can hardly remember being with her a year, my memories shut back in the beyond of a dark recess of my mind, locked and the key posted well out of town. I am quietly looking forward to moving now. I have something new to look forward to. I will cope with it all, even if I do need a little chat with my friends from time to time. Speaking of which it seems I have upset some people who I consider friends, but having had feedback from her about things that have been disgust between me and them, I assume I have been an embarressment to them. I was wrong to call on them in the days following my severe grief and depression. Well I guessed it would probably cause a problem but I was thinking of myself at the time and I really had nobody else close to me that I could turn to. Well, she has put me to rights and so I will , when I see those people next, apologise to them profoundly. I cant do or say more than that. They are her friends and I wouldnt want to cause them any grief. I admit it must have been awkward for them but 'she' seemed annoyed that I had even been talking to them.

I have had a pretty enjoyable evening watching a little bit of television, catching up on a couple of programs. But for the most I found a neat little website that reminds me of Pandora, a site that I could once listen to lots of music until they blocked countries outside of America. Well this one might go the same way but while I can use it its brilliant. I found music that I havent heard in such a long time. I made a great evening of entertainment for myself.

Well, there it is, a little piece of writing that has nothing relevant to the reason I first started this blog. I knew it would come and so hopefully will plenty more of my thoughts and reflections of days to come and things of the past.

Packing tomorrow, supposedly being helped by her. It might or might not happen but then, if it does I must learn to bite my lip. Just til the end of the week.

As this is a cut and run post, ie ie, Ive not checked for type errors or spellings or content for that matter, if it doesnt make sense to you then its probably because it doesnt make sense. Simple.

So... until the next post...

Opportunity

Even though I didn't think I was going to have a bad day I did. The tiredness has just crept up on me like a prey to its victim. I just didn't see it coming. I got into work, sat down and without warning I was overwhelmed by a sense of something I can't actually describe. I'm told by a friend it is grief and I know I have to expect that. I just wasn't expecting it to happen to me in the way it did. Tears just filled up my eyes and ran down my face. I got away without anyone noticing again. For the rest of the day I felt so tired and I think that is half of my problems. I do not think I am sleeping well. Thinking about it, I must have gone out like a light last night as I didn't even put my CPAP mask on. I know I didn't want to get up when the alarm went off and I must have hit snooze about 5 times. Thinking about the day at work in general I don't remember much about it. It was a quiet day for me, and I didn't really do much. I think I sat and dosed off a couple of times. My whole body felt like it was trembling, and I can say I have felt like that a couple of times now. I suspect its the AD's that are doing that. I will have to see if they are going to affect me in ways that I don't want. I don't need any more problems at the moment.

I got home tonight to an empty house as she/they (assuming that her daughter is still staying here) are out. I thought about what it be like in just over a weeks time when I should have the keys to my newly rented flat. Opening up the door to another new life. Closing the door behind me and hopefully my troubles.
I will not have to worry about the things she says and does any longer.
She will have nothing to do with me any more. I wont have to listen to her lies.
I wont have to watch her being so smug about everything. I hope she is happy the way she wants to live. Because I know at least that I still have some morals and I have my dignity. I have kindness and friendship to give to those who seek it and in return I hope that people will show and offer me the same. I have to take hold of the opportunity I have been given to make things happen for me and find new challenges. I know I have to go looking for these things as they will not come to me. I have to make the changes now or I fear I will fall back into my dark world of unhappiness and loneliness. I have to believe in myself more that I have done in the past, and more so now than ever. I know I am a good man and I hope that people will see that in me. I can only be me though. I cannot, like some certain individuals, be somebody I am not. I am not going to live a lie that's for sure. I've been watching someone do that for a year now and I am glad, yes I said it... I am glad that it is over.

I watched a programme on the television tonight. Its a series called Medium about a woman who basically sees things that have happened or are about to happen and uses this information as part of her job in the District Attorneys office. Tonight there was a part where she quoted that the future is fluid. Nothing is definite until it actually happens. Small things that happen now can make bigger changes in the future. You cannot, however hard you try to, predefine your future. It will happen the way it was meant to. Well that is how I perceived the storyline and I can only guess what might happen in the future. But as long as I make those little differences in my life now, then I hope that it will make the bigger difference somewhere down the line of my future.
With that, I hope that makes a difference to the people around me in some way, and makes life better for them too.

Until the next post as my saying seems to go...

Life Lines

Things happen for a reason. What goes around comes around. I've heard so many sayings Ive lost count of how many I have heard quoted. There is probably some truth in them and I hope that some more so than others.
Since my last post its not been too bad in the household. She has done her usual job of ignoring me, but then suddenly talking to me like nothing had happened... just for a few moments mind. Then back to her normal ignorant self. I have given up on trying to work her out. She brings her daughter into the house to stay the other night as she was visiting her boyfriend who lives local.
I got ignored earlier in the day. I questioned it and got told, 'Perhaps she is embarrassed!'. Hang on a mo, embarrassed by me? Surely we should be talking about you, her mother here. Oh, sorry, almost forgot you probably haven't told her every detail of our break up have you? So I find out a bit later when they come home from being out she is staying the night. Well I don't honestly mind. But it would have been nice if I had at least been told about it, but no. And what sort of a woman would bring someone into the house when all this is going on between us? Well as I said before, she is carrying on as if I never existed. Not a care in the world. And to top it all off she has her daughter staying again this evening. I really don't know how she can carry on like this. Am I the only one to see it, well obviously I suppose I am. Maybe her daughter doesn't care, maybe she does but I'm not bothered that she is staying. She is a good girl and has always been respectful while here. I'm just upset that she has been allowed to come into this household while things are the way they are. God knows what she must think of me?

I had a good day of sorts today. I got out of the house and onto a bus to take my paperwork into the letting agents. I have a date set for moving on the 16th April. I managed to get a couple of holiday days booked at short notice too so I will have three days to get moved in and the place sorted. Not forgetting the cat either. He wont be too happy but as long as there are familiar things around him with familiar smells, some nice warm spots for him to lay down he will settle quite quickly.

So now I have find a good company to move my stuff. A man with a van. I just hope I will find one that can move me at this short notice. I don't have a great deal of stuff to take with me.... erm, Ok I might have more stuff than I realise but I'm not leaving it for her. If its mine its going? Is that wrong of me to think like that? Nah, if I don't want it eBay will be seeing a lot more of me in the near future.

I got a call from the surgery today. A counsellor which was arranged with my Doctor. Its supposedly 6 sessions but I cant go to them. I need to be working and they only do Tuesdays. So there is me trying to get help but to do so I will have to lose some hours work. I will look at my work rosta tomorrow to see if I can juggle things but I don't know that I will manage that. To be honest the way I felt a week ago... well I don't need to explain if you have read through or have been following my previous posts. I feel different and I think its the AD's that are working.
I still obviously feel something as she still is getting to me but its more anger than anything. Actually I'm not sure how I feel in general. Tired, lonely, a little frustrated and anxious. Those are some of the things I feel. I am changing, part of me has gone forever because I feel something inside me is missing. Maybe its not missing for good, just a little lost amongst the debris of my torn apart life.

There are a couple of good things that have happened in the form of two sisters. I have known of them for a while but never really spoken to either of them until the last few days. They have been most supportive and understanding towards me. They both have their own fair share of problems I guess but they still manage to put aside those issues to speak to me with kindness and dignity. Two new friends found indeed.

So its lists of things to do, man with van to be found, stuff to be organised, things to be dismantled, items to be packed. I can safely say that's my weekend fully booked.

Before I finish this post, I want to say something else. When all the problems hit me a few weeks ago and what now seems like ages, I was hopelessly out of my depth. I didn't know where I was heading or where to turn to. I saw everything I had to live for ebbing away from me. I saw no lifeline.
But then it happened. My true friends were there when I needed them the most. They gave me support, hope and guidance. I would not have seen my way through this short but rocky journey without them. Even a total stranger through the power of this blog I started writing came to my aid. It gives me renewed faith in people, in the knowledge that there is always someone to turn to in moments of despair. I want to personally thank each and every one of those people for the love and support they showed me over what has got to be the most difficult days in my life.
I hope that if the time comes, I can be there for each and every one of those people and give as much strength and support that they have shown me. They have been good friends indeed, and I truly am glad they were there for me when I needed them the most. You all know who you are.

Til the next post...

Faithful Alongside

I returned back to work yesterday (Friday) but it was a bit of a bumpy start.
I sat down in my 'little' office and I had trouble holding my emotions back and I unashamedly admit to crying. Luckily nobody saw me and I got around it quite quickly, with the help of a quick call to a dear friend who gives the best pep talks. The day returned to normal pretty quickly. I was asked by several people if I had a good holiday, and I actually found it quite easy to say, 'no, she broke off our engagement and relationship without word of warning'. Words to those effect anyway. People dot really know what to say, some seem shocked and I guess some are genuinely so but once you have turned around they carry on and its all forgotten.
I did actually get a hug unexpectedly from one of the staff who had realised something was going on but wasn't quite sure what, so I explained to her.
She threatened to go around and smack her about a bit. I think she probably would have done too but I declined the offer. I think if I had wanted that to happen I probably would have done it myself by now. But that was the event of the day and I went on through the same old boring routine.

When I got home she had packed the cd collection away, mine and hers separately of course although I did have to grab some that were mine that she had. I don't think it was intentional on this occasion. But now it seems there is a crisis, and all of a sudden she expects me to let her have items that are mine. Now under normal circumstances I would have said I was OK about it. I probably cant fit that or don't need it. But why the hell should I be pandering to her needs all of a sudden. If she wants a couple of beside cabinets, go and effing buy some. OK, so there is one staying in the flat when I move in. What about it, I want the pair I bought. I have a brand new washing machine and fridge freezer that have been standing unused since we moved in here because I had bought them just before we moved. I want to take the washing machine but there is already one in the flat. I'm hoping I can take mine and get them to take their one out as mine dries too, handy for the winter. But she wants them, she offered to pay me for them. I don't really see why, she is going to be better off than me full stop. She can afford to go out, have fun, do what she likes really. Me, oh I'm just having to struggle to come to terms with everything she has done to me, the fact that I will be extremely hard up and have little spare money, if any, to do any damn things if there was anything I could damn well do anyway. She isn't getting anything of mine, because If I move again in say a year or two, I want to have stuff of mine, that I can take. If she gets it, I will have nothing and that will be me shelling out again. Simple answer dear... GO TO HELL!

Oh, I found out she got a new phone, a contract phone to talk to someone who she speaks to a lot as he lives in Somerset so she tells me. Strange that when she was with me she refused a contract phone saying they were a waste of money and she didn't need it. Again a show of her two facedness. Obviously she has money to spend on that, so she has money to buy furniture, that's what she would say to me if it was the other way around.

Worked again today (Saturday). I cant talk about my work because of the nature of the job I do. But lets just say I hate it and will be adding it to my list of priorities to do something about. Ive been working for the same crap company for 5 plus years now and it doesn't help in any way with my depression. Actually it doesn't do much good for my health either. But that's all another story as I said I cant tell.

I got home and she had cooked a pasta bake. Well I have cooked for her a couple of times. But she told me she was going out. Another guy, going to Southampton to see a Who tribute act. She was waiting to be picked up. She cant understand why I get upset about it all. I pointed out to her that she is doing all the things that we could have been doing together. And the fact that she can afford to be going out here there and everywhere, while I haven't got a fucking penny to my name. I'd love to be able at least to afford to be going out and about. But no, she has seen to that. She is just rubbing my nose in it, and she loves every minute of it. I caught her unawares on her phone before she went out and obviously the way she shied away that it was the fellow of the moment. When she came back down I said outright, 'Why don't you invite the bloke in for a nice cup of coffee when you get home eh?' Her response which almost made me laugh was,'I wouldn't do that, I'm not THAT evil a person'. Erm, excuse me, YES you fucking well are. You have been evil since you started this sorry set of events. You have shown no emotion, not a care in the world whatsoever. You have loved every minute of what you have been doing to me ever since that nice big broad smile you gave while you told me you had been shagging some bloke the first night you met two weeks prior to ending our relationship. You are evil, not the person I loved so much and for the reason I still hurt so much today. But then what did you do next tonight. Aaaah, you told me this person didn't know where you lived. Hmmm, funny how that car came past without stopping, beeping the horn several times. Nothing to do with you you say when I mentioned it just as you hurried out the door. I watched you go up through the alleyway where this bloke gave you a kiss before you walked out of view. Funny how he knew where you was coming from isn't it. Please, I am not fucking stupid you know. Only for being made a mug of for the last year.

Well, it makes no odds I guess. I will be out of your life... no I will rephrase that. YOU will be out of my life very soon and you know what, yes I will have problems adjusting to the loneliness, the lack of finances etc etc. But there's one thing I will have that you don't. Dignity. My dignity. Something you lost very quickly in my eyes but then maybe you have been missing that a while I'm not sure. Its gone for you now anyway. You can strut yourself about like the madam you want to be, and there will be people who don't know the real you. But they will watch you, and they will see you, and they will make their judgement on you. I just hope non get taken in by you like I did. For their sakes.

Phew, that was an amazing flurry of expression coming out of me. And I meant every word of it too. Maybe the AD's are kicking in. Actually saying that I have been a bit shaky the last day or two since starting them. I feel like I have the trembles, which I probably do. I will give them a week as they need to kick in. I can feel a 'sugar coating shell' around me, its probably the tabs doing it.

I have a day off as its Easter Sunday. I was hoping to see my long lost cousin but she has taken ill so cant visit which is a shame. She has quite a serious op happening in a few days time so I wish her all the best with that and hope everything works out fine for her. She is a good sport and understands quite a lot about our disfunctional family as we call it. We always end up laughing about how non of us talk and who has done what. There is enough material to write a book I reckon. Well I'd buy a copy... even if it was only to wedge the back door open on a warm day. Well I wouldn't read it would I?
So I don't quite know what I am going to do. There should be a few event on somewhere nearby, but I quite fancy walking along to the Canoe Lake which is nearby to the Seafront. There are usually a few model boat buffs testing out their various sails and battleships on the water there. I've not had a close look so might able along with my camera to see if there are any interesting shots to be taken. I'm always good at finding something to photograph. One thing I know I am good at and keeps me relatively quiet for a while.

Well, for anyone who happens upon this blog, and those who already read it, have, or I hope you have a great Easter and may everything in your life be of happy things. I hope you feel loved, wanted, warm in the knowledge that you have someone faithful alongside you. Someone you can hold hands with and feel young inside. Enjoy your every moment of whatever it is that you do, and remember it for a long time. Let those memories bring a smile to your face, and let the love you have for each other make your heart flutter even when they are not with you.

Goodnight, until the next post.

Hopefully

She turned up this afternoon at about halp past three. She made her excuses.
I should get it into my thick head that she doesnt care about me or anything that I do. Ok she has made that quite obvious, but I just wish she could wait til I am out of this house and out of her life. Its still going to hurt me a whole lot more but once its done its done. Actually I wish she would fuck off right out of the area but shes not going to do that is she and I dare say she will be Miss Popular with everyone around her. I noticed a line she put on her Facebook account today saying that she is in love. My question is, 'is it with herself?' Well if the case is that she is in love then I hope that whoever it is knows what they will be letting themselves in for. And why did she post it in the first place, in reality because she knows that I will see it. She knows I still hurt, but she also knows my mental state as well. Its like poking a stick into an open wound with her, Im sure it is. If I was treating her the same way as she is treating me Im sure someone would have stood up and said something by now. Well sooner of later someone she knows will stumble across this blog and probably tell her all about it. But before they do that I really hope they read from the start and see what I went through and think about how they would have been if it had been them. If she is reading this right now, I hope you take the time to look and perhaps really understand the hurt you caused me. I know Im not a strong person, but I know the right way and the wrong way, even if I do make mistakes from time to time. I certainly learned a lot from this one.

I have the paperwork from the Letting Agents ready to be filled out. I should hope to get that done Saturday evening. Its all pretty straight forward stuff and will take that back to them on Tuesday morning. Hopefully, fingers crossed they may give me a date I can move in from. Then it will be mad rush time but there is a little inkle inside of me (inkle... did I just make that up????) that is gradually breaking the mould and is making me feel better about moving. If you read a few lines back which I just did I used the word 'hopefully' which is probably the first time Ive use a positive sign recently.

Tonight I went out to the usual Thursday night venue. I walked with a friend there but he mingled with lots of other people as he is well known there. I expected that anyway. I stood near to the bar as it was a very crowded place for a change. Im not generally into crowds of more than 2 but I put all that aside and watched the performances. I enjoyed pretty much all of what I saw but it was getting late and I came home about 2330.

I have work tomorrow and it will be the first day back since my break up with her has happened. Im dreading the thought of people asking did I have a good holiday. But I will probably be quite blunt and say no actually I didnt, which is true. Im not going to lie... and I hope Im not going to cry. I get a lot of thinking time on this job that I do. As much as I hate it I need it more than ever now. But maybe a good reason to find new things, new challenges... there must be more for me to find out there that I can do.

Apologies for any typo's and errors tonight but Im not editing this. Im tired and I need to turn in. Tomorrow is here already and I want as much sleep as it will give me before 9am. Goodnight freinds, til the next post.

PS. To the person who once dreamed about 'scree' (and you know who you are), ask me cos I forgot to tell you I know why you dreamed about it.

Cups of Tea

Its been a negative day for me today, and my world is pretty much in black and white at the moment. I have lost all colour in my life it seems. Ive lost the will to do anything and no matter how I try, I find something else not to do and not do it. Im tired and irritable. I'm not sleeping properly and Im staying awake til the early hours, even though Im knackered. I know why Im doing it to myself too and I told the doctor this today. Its because I dont want to have to wake up and see the new day. I dont mean that in a suicidal way before you think it. Just another day where I am going to worry, stress, get more depressed. I can feel myself withdrawing into my shell again, a way I was a few years back and its not a nice place to be. I should just be able to shake these feelings off and just get on with life, but who is good at taking their own advice?
She has not been home at all today, but why am I bothered. She has made her views known, she has stated the facts. I miss being with her, for what its worth. She has been my best friend as well as my whole life for over a year. We fell into each other at lightening speed when we met up for the first time, but for me at least everything felt so right. I have, had never felt love so strong with anyone as I did with her. So she is out, with other people doing the things we could have been doing together. All the things we were going to do, the places we were going to go, the things we were going to see. All gone now, for me. She doesnt care, and I doubt that she even thinks about the way I actually feel. Even on her facebook people are wishing her the best of luck in her new home hunting. All these people she knows, and I wonder how much they would really think of this wonderful person if they knew what she has done to me, how she has ripped my life apart in such a single brutal way. Not to mention the... no, her reasons for doing it. Im thinking it should me who is actually the lucky one. Its a shame I found out the hard way I know, but to find out the one who I have loved for so long was never the person I thought she was. Im still hurting now, it feels like forever although deep down I know things will get better once I have moved. Well, they might not get better but hopefully they wont get any worse and I will be able to concentrate on my life without her.

As you may have gathered I went to the see the Doctor today, a scheduled appointment relating to the anti-depressants I am currently on. He knew a little of what was going on as he had read the previous notes left by the another doctor. He impressed me a little because he remembered some of the stuff we had discussed when we, being me and her, met him for the first time. He asked me some inevitable questions about what had happened and as soon as I started talking, thinking, remembering, ...the tears came back. I relived it all again in seconds, every moment, every thought and fear.
He asked me if I had people I could talk to like family. My disfunctional family is not an option although my Mum has been incredibly supportive towards me, which came as a bit of a surprise. I think it came as a shock to her when she heard the news but she also knew how much I was in love. I dont have any friends to me locally apart from some people who are also close friends of hers. I think it has made life awkward for them and to be honest, they have never contacted me to see if I am ok. Thats likely because they are busy doing their own things. The good friends I have that I can talk to live some distance away. I know they are on the end of a telephone line and I can call them anytime for a chat, but even though I feel down I sometimes feel that I am being a nuisance so dont call them. Anyway, the doctor did ask me if it would help if I talked to someone and I managed to get the 'yes' out. I know he is referring me to someone but Im not sure who. I hope that they will be able to help me get everything out of my system and start afresh. Here's hoping.

As for the day as a whole, Ive been stuck indoors. I had plans on going for a walk but couldn't face going out the door. So it looks like Im back to square one at the moment, back to my old ways but for a new set of reasons. So I sat at my pc, and made numerous cups of tea. Ive never drunk so much tea in my life.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring? Roll on the next post.

A Place Called Home

Today it turned out to be an interesting one. I found myself somewhere to live.
A new place I can call home I hope. We both went to have a look and turned up a little early to have a gander at the surroundings. Courtyards were clean and tidy, everything about the immediate area of the flats was good. The lady from the estate agent turned up running a little behind but at least we had been phoned in advance and told.
We went in and up the one flight of stairs to the front door. It was opened and we all walked in. Now in comparison to the other places I had seen this was a palace. Its not that big, but its not small either. Laminate flooring throughout, nice kitchen, bedroom and bathroom too. I was thinking that I should take the opportunity while its still there. The only thing on my mind was that its further from work, in fact about twice as far as it is at the moment. Having had a good look around I decided that the other properties that are nearer might not have been so good but at least they would be more convenient for work etc. So we left and walked back in the rain, my mind whirring the same thought over and over again. If I wait a day will I lose this well advertised place to somebody else? Well while walking back I suggested we take a look at one of the places I was supposed to have been viewing tomorrow. It was a purpose built 2 bedroomed flat just around the corner from where I am living at the moment. We got there and looked about the outside of the buildings. First off the flat being on the ground floor was to the side of a pizza shop which is open into the early hours and they do deliveries too. That means that doors from the delivery drivers cars would be slam slam slam all night long. There was a considerate amount of grafitti around too. Air conditioning units to the shops... more noise. What finally finished this for me was the polite/police notice in the entrance doorway explaining how anti-social behaviour was not tolerated in the vicinity of the flats.
It was dawning on me that I wasn't going to get anywhere as good as the place I had just seen. It might be further out than I was hoping for but it was the better of the options. I called and told the Letting Agents that I would take this place on.
I think I can be happy there but I dont think it will be plain sailing. My mental state of mind still is nowhere near 100% and I will have my down days.
But then I shall have one less person to worry about in my life. The one cut I have to make amongst the thousands she hit me with almost two weeks ago.

My mind still drifts to those events. I feel ill when I think about it. I will still miss her when I have gone. I miss her now, her warmth next to me, her kisses, her cuddles, her holding hands with me. I miss all that. But that was not obviously enough for her and meant very little to her. I was making her dinner tonight when she said, 'I'm going upstairs to make a phone call.' Yes another call to another male. From what she told me it was a different one so I guess that what she went to the internet cafe for yesterday, to gather her emails and messages. All this plays with my mind, and its not fair. Not fair that I should have to live with any of this or ever have had to. But life isnt always fair as they say. Time to move on and thats hopefully whats going to happen when I am settled into my new home. Im already worrying, money worries mainly.
Can I afford this and that. Lots of 'what if's' are bouncing around in my head too. I feel almost swamped by it all.

Tomorrow a few calls to cancel the viewings I no longer require. Also an engineer supposedly calling to replace the internals of my pc. That I will have to wait and see about. The only other things is the obvious one... start packing. Two weeks is not far off at all.

Well this post turned out somewhat short and sweet. Mainly because I am tired. Im still not sleeping too well and Im already worrying about returing to work on Friday. I have a checkup with the doctor before that mainly for the AD's I am on but I will discuss that with him while I am there.

So until the next post... as per my usual ending, TTFN.

I can and I will.

The weekend has gone by quickly, and pretty uneventful it was too.
She has been ok with me for the last few days which I guess in some way is good but as much as she has hurt me I sometimes wish I could turn back the clock to the way we were. But then that was before I knew what was going on and I wouldnt want to relive any of that.

She is househunting and I am flat hunting. I asked her if she would come and look at prospective flats with me because one thing she is good at is spotting potential problems. Pretty much like the first place I went to view, a ground floor flat with garden converted from a house. It was in so much need of renovation and repair it was a joke. There was no heating at all and it was just so dreary it was pretty much a no from the start. Not mentioning that the bathroom was basically a walk in cupboard with a shower, part of which was being held up with a bit of string. They were asking £550 a month for this.
I commented to the agent showing us around that I might have considered it at a hundred less. He responded with, 'At a hundred less I still wouldnt bother!'. Great, I thought, this is coming from the agent himself who is trying to help me. Minus points there but a few added for his honesty. While still out I got another call to visit another 1 bedroom flat. We were only a few minutes walk away so got there and was greeted by a snobby little 19 going on 12 year old girl, who was more a monitor at school than she was an agent.
So first we walked down into a 'cobbled yard' edged with cages and crap from the local shops. The girl asked us to look beyond the mess inside. She opened up the door and we walked in... the first thing we should have done was walked right out again. The place was a tip, strewn with just about everything imaginable. The work surfaces to the kitchen area was littered with beer bottles and god knows what and it stank to high heaven. I have a limited sense of smell but I was almost overpowered by it. It was a no. That place was supposedly going to be ready to move in a weeks time. It would take longer than that to clear and defumigate the place.
I have some more prospective places to look at in the coming few days so I will see what they are like.

So about her, well mostly about me I suppose. She is as you may have gathered, talking to me. Its not the easiest of situations but at least its not volatile.
She is still coming and going about her own business but from what I can tell, and perhaps the lack of her availablity to the internet, things have slowed down for her. I get a feeling she has got her few contacts now and she will keep to those particular ones until she gets bored with them or visa versa.
Im still not happy with what she has done and I still do not know why she did what she did the way she did it. She has always been a bit of a drama queen if that is the way to describe it, but I just took it as one of her quirks of nature.
I saw a new and ugly side of her I had never seen before and it wasnt a nice to see. How someone can turn like that is beyond me. But I have to look at it as a lucky escape. I feel a whole lot better than I did a week and a half ago.
Im starting to pick up parts of my life again. Im not looking too far into the future at the moment but I know at least that I have a future. Once I have a new place to live I can settle down again and maybe find some new friendships locally.

All of my life I think there is one thing I have felt the most, and that is lonely.
I dont think I have said that before, not out loud and neither have I confessed that to anyone in any detail. But there it is in writing. Me... lonely.
As a child I had few friends and even as I was growing up through junior and secondary school my friends were limited. My adult life was much the same and I was I think, quite a withdrawn person.
My defining moment was the year I met a married woman.
Yes, I met a married woman and for 3 years, every Friday she would pick me up and we would drive anywhere that took our fancy. Sometimes we would stay in and do what comes naturally.
Even though I was in my mid 20's she was the woman who really showed me the world in more ways that I can remember. I loved her and I know she loved me. Three years was a long time for a relationship to work in those circumstances and in my mind it was time, by then to call it a day. I had been wondering if I was letting the world slip by me, other love interests which could have been coming past me but not seeing them purely because I was happy with a relationship that was not able to develop further. She had told me from the outset that she was never going to leave her husband and I lived with that. I broke up with her, by letter. No email, no sms.. in fact no internet in those days. I remember getting a reply letter a few days later which I kept for years before throwing it away. It wasn't a nasty hateful letter, it was the most warm and understanding letter one could ever be sent. She was a beautiful person in more ways than one and I still think of her from time to time, wondering what happened to her.
From that letter on I never heard from her again. Some might say why didnt I go and look her up. Its was not an option, it was another time in my life where I couldnt go back to. I wouldnt want to go back there either now.
I hope she is well and happy even after all the years that have passed.

So as I end my post for the day, I can think about where I am right now in my life. It hasnt come to an end, that is one thing I am certain of. I can now start to move on. I can start afresh and find things to do. I will make a list of to-do's and post them on here and share my experiences of the things I have done. My interests of photography, art, nature and music are all things I can and will participate in again. I will not allow life to pass me by without it noticing me.
I am here and I am going to stay and live my life, not just exist it.
I refuse to return to my days of old.

I am here... I AM HERE!

Through the Barricades

Today was interesting. She came home at a reasonable time ready to make our way down to the letting agent to see what options there were and what we could do in our situations. Prior to leaving there was a bit of tit for tat between us. Some probably nonsense stuff but still stuff that although I don't need to hear, still ask for. My own fault entirely, but perhaps I am still looking for her to be truthful just once. For the most I feel I was quite calm and easy with her.
We caught the bus down to town, and went into the letting agents. We got straight into business, explaining the situation and getting help and advice.
To cut a long story short, I have a view of a property to rent on Saturday. I'm a little apprehensive about it. For reasons I will give later on, I know now that it will all be for my own good, because once I can close my own front door behind me she can do whatever she frigging well likes. I will talk about the property once I have seen it, so enough of that bit for now.

This evening as we both intended to go to the same pub/venue, we caught a cab together. Once we got there we seperated, she standing by the bar and myself sat quietly on the other side of the room.

Earlier in the day she had asked me what I had told certain people about our break up, and so I told her it was because I needed to talk to someone about my problems. She said she didnt talk to people about her problems. If that is the way she has to deal with her problems who am I to argue? At the same time though, if I hadn't have talked to someone I don't quite know what sort of state I would have been in today. Bearing in mind the flood of crap and mental torture she has given me over the past week I think I have done quite well. She said to me I shouldn't have told them everything that had been going on, but to be fair those people knew something was wrong well before I did that night, when earlier in the evening she had been caught out when she bumped into one of those very people with one of her blokes. She tells me it was the first one on the first night. Oh, and that's the night I had no idea where she was and had been ringing her friends worried out of my mind trying to find out if they knew where she might have been. Well one of them obviously knew, but I only found that out later as I previously have said. Everything she said and done after that was just additional. The fact is what she done was and still is unforgivable.

She left the pub earlier than usual tonight but did have the decency to say goodbye. I asked her if she was going home and she said yes. Well, I came home a couple of hours later and guess what. No sign of her being here. You know what I was thinking and although I shouldnt have been surprised by that fact, I called her and thanked her for lying to me yet again. I wasn't shouting while I did it, just a plain straightforward thank you for lying to me quote.

While I was typing this blog she got home and came at me saying 'Before you even start.....!. Well, she obviously knew what I was thinking and why shouldn't I? She told me she had got a bag of chips because she was hungry and then gone to another pub. What makes this funny for me is for months she has been saying how she doesnt drink anymore. Not that she ever drank a lot while I was with her anyway but she was adamant, and always got herself a soda water which in most pubs is free.
She said something to me and I didn't quite hear her so I went to find out what it was she had said. She was standing at the bottom of the stairs looking down on me and said that she didnt want to be having this conversation with me when she had had so many drinks. Southern Comfort and Coke to be precise, 5 in total. I dont care that she had been drinking, thats up to her but it was not her usual self and I dont quite know if she was sort of threatening me. With what? Maybe she was going to tell me some home truths. Maybe she was going to beat the shit out of me. I have no idea and no wish to know anything anymore.

A week has gone by now since all this has happened I feel like I am breaking through the barricades in my mind. I still feel slightly insecure, hurt, tired, empty and lonely. I know all of this will pass in good time but then I have always been one of lifes worriers. Admittedly I am not half as bad as I used to be many years ago, but sometimes it still creeps up on me when I least expect it to. I do have to learn to just hold my breath or bite my tongue a little longer while things slowly fall together now. But at least I feel I am now getting somewhere, starting to move on. Hopefully this weekend coming will give me a positive answer.

Friday is here now though. I have lists to make, plans to draw up... and a cat to cuddle. I'm thinking this poor cat of mine has been put through so much. He picks up so easily on what is going on around him and I know he doesnt understand, but he senses everything and it brings him down a few pegs and in turn makes him very unsettled indeed.

Time now for me to end my day... a little later than intended so until my next post, TTFN.

Do Not Open Until Christmas.

Yesterday I went to London. I got about an hour and a half of sleep before I got up to make the journey via coach to London Victoria Coach Station. It was a good journey, quite comfortable and apart from the one hold up at some roadworks, it was pretty much plain sailing arriving a little later than scheduled. I got of the coach and I immediately realised I didn't recognised where I was, bearing in mind that I usually use National Express but this time went up on the new Greyhound Coach. GPS is a good option to have on ones phone and it usually can get you un-lost pretty quickly. I'm not sure why I look up when I switch on the GPS? I'm pretty well sure I wont see if there is a satellite in view but maybe one day. Anyway, it turned out I did know where I was, I just didn't know it yet. I was on the other side of a building I knew very well in fact, but as I hadn't been there before it had completely thrown me. About 30 feet away I was back in familiar surroundings and ready for my experimental glance at someone on the tube. I skittered on down to the platform and jumped on to the circle line train which is about 13 minutes travelling to Paddington from Victoria main line.

I sat down and remembered I was going to look about at people, sure enough I thought, everyone, heads down, up, sideways, which ever way but not looking at anyone, no talking, nothing. I inwardly giggled, only then spotting a middle aged Japanese gentleman... and he was... LOOKING... at me!!!!!! I looked back and he suddenly (with a gruff voice) shouted, HA HA, leaped up into the air in a slow motion sort of way, mouthing words which really could have done with subtitles or poor English dubbing. Daggers swirled as they left his cool calm hands heading towards me, glimmering in the dim light of the carriage fluorescent tubing.....
At this point I came back to normality, it was all in the battering of an eye really. He looked back down at his paper and carried on reading it. My own vivid imagination filed back in a draw and labelled 'Do Not Open Until Christmas'.

I got to my friends place and found myself in the usual warm and friendly surroundings, even greeted by one of her cats who was just really probably seeing if I involved food. The day itself really consisted of talking about the events of the past week and my own personal torment, how I really was not coping. She helped me see things as I really should do, getting my problems under control without worrying about other things I cannot do anything about. I really owe her big time for all her really good advice. A lot of what is in my mind is always pretty much a jumble, and I spend so much time trying to work it all out, nothing ever seems to get done and before I know its all twisted up again. That's how I picture it right now anyway.

We went out to lunch in the afternoon, a little place just around the corner. There seems to be a lot of little places just around the corner in her neck of the woods. I had a plate of chips and a veggie burger. It wasn't the best burger in the world but it was food and I had not eaten for a while. I managed to eat the best part of the biggest burger I had seen in a while. The chips where very tasty but someone kept pinching them one at a time... I wonder who that was?

The plan was to take a walk down to Hyde Park but by the time we left the clouds had opened up so we decided to abandon that idea and went back home. We chatted loads more and before I knew it time had crept up and it was time to leave. I said my goodbyes and all very quickly I found myself back on the coach travelling homeward.

It doesn't really feel like home anymore even though it felt like home to me. Considering that to come here I left a town and house I spent nearly 5 years of my life in and never felt settled there at all. I broke down again, I have to face facts that my emotions are going to be on a roller coaster for a while yet. Its the frustration, the anger, bitterness, defeat, tension, humiliation... what ever it is, its just a mass of all that and more, twisting inside of me. My emotions are physically wrecked but there are pieces, and I am slowly gluing them together again. I never was much good at airfix though. I must get to grips with it without it pulling me ever downwards. I went to bed and for the first time in I don't know how long, fell asleep and slept solid. Catching up after an estimated 5 hours sleep in one week is good I can tell you.

Wednesday, a week since I was told the breaking news. I had decisions to make and they were made. Today I managed to contact her, and told her I was not prepared to stay here any longer and that at the first opportunity I would be moving out. It is my only realistic option. I cannot stay here with her swanning in and out when she wants to, tarted up like a Gainsborough Lady ready for her next... should I use the word client, is that too strong a word to use?
Well stuff it, I'm not using names here so I cant be accused of misrepresentation of character. Having said that I think a Gainsborough Lady would be non impressed with the assumption of my likeliness to them.
Sorry ladies.

Once I have left here, I might at first struggle financially, but I will come to that bridge when I get to it. But first off, I have to think of the present which is what I am now doing. I have made arrangements tomorrow to go to the letting agency (with her), to have my name removed from this tenancy agreement and to hopefully find myself a new home. I am hoping things will work out swiftly for me. I have contacted an agency regarding a place I am interested in and it would be quite suitable for my needs, being near to the beach and not too far from my workplace. I didn't get a call back as promised so will be pestering them again in the morning. I will keep you all posted on that.

I suppose some people might think that as I am leaving this place (but couldn't afford to keep on my own anyway), she will be winning. But winning what?
Its not a competition, its the rest of my life. If I become happier and at home somewhere new, then it will be I that has won. Maybe she will think that she has won. She will have to take on the full rent here, and the bills. If she moves like she says she will have to do in a couple of months then so be it, not my problem. If she stays, so be it again. NOT my problem. I bet the neighbours will be happy when this place turns into a 'knocking shop' though. If that's the life she appears to want to lead, inviting different men home at will, to play at home so to speak which I am sure she will, then I hope she gets the reputation she already is making for herself and deserves.

Tomorrow night I am going out. I will go on my own and to a place where she may or may not turn up depending on her 'busy schedule'. I am determined that I shall get a social life, one I really never had partially due to this damn agoraphobia, or whatever it is likened to. I will not be shut indoors anymore. I will see people around me I know or at least recognise. I will enjoy good songs, music and maybe some conversation. I will have a drink, maybe only water though. I will try and win on the raffle. I will have a good night. Then I will come home to bed, sleep and find myself in another day, ready to take on the world.

Finally, I have a follower on my blog. Welcome follower, I am so pleased you have taken the time to read my ramblings and leave me a message. I didn't think that anyone outside of a small circle of friends was reading this but now I am proved wrong. May I thank you for kindly showing me those links and info. It was very thoughtful of you and much appreciated. There is a quote that someone had left responding to that page which reads:


“Dont make someone a priority if they only make you an option”.



On those few words, until my next post, be happy.

Facing Facts?

Well I didn't get much sleep again yesterday and it's been a very long day. I'm not sure if I should be bothered at writing more on the subject of whats been going on. I've been quite mild in consideration, holding back on a lot of things I could have said and quite defensive of her still in a way. In the last 24 hours if you think it couldn't have got any worse then think again, it did. We had a long conversation where I found out a lot more about what she had been doing. As it turned out I found out she had been on a website and this is where she found her... erm, new acquaintance. This isn't your average chat site where you would invite Mrs Jones around for a cup of tea and a biscuit. This is the sort of site where Mrs Jones would have to take two tablets, cover up the budgie and switch BBC radio 4 on very loudly before she would even look. The fact is she left all the chat details, profiles etc on MY laptop, which she used for most of the last year, actually longer. I did confront her when she got up to go to work this morning. I was quite calm, collective, and spoke mildly... and I guess cried a little. Apart from all that she was still her cold matter of fact sort of self. She assured me that she didn't need that website anymore as she was happy with the one guy she had found. Now that didn't make any sense to me whatsoever as she had already told me she wanted to be able to see more than one person.
I questioned her about the cold way she had told this guy in the open transcript of how I was a "3 minutes, roll over and sleep" person, with he assuring her he would take her places she had never been to before. I guess he didn't mean Tescos. She was not happy that I had been looking at all this and asked if I would I have read her diary if she had left it open on the table. I said no I wouldn't have but in a quick retort responded by saying, "But if I had left MY diary on the side, would you have written in it?... it's MY FUCKING LAPTOP!!!" I dont remember the reply but she is still adamant I shouldn't have read it. I suppose many other men would have grabbed her by the neck and chucked her out of the door, guess I'm weak? Maybe strong?? I don't know. Anyway, she asked me if she could use the laptop to close down the account after saying goodbye to a few people she had 'befriended' as it would be rude not to say something. Also so she could check her emails etc. God I must be the biggest fucking sucker in the whole world right now.

This evening she came home after her day with him. She had work tonight, well I assume that's where shes gone. We sat down amicably and discussed finances. We came to agreeable terms in the long run, I've yet to decide if Ive been scammed by her yet. Anyway, she was off to bed for a few hours kip before her shift. She was only gone ten minutes when she asked if she could borrow the laptop. I said yes and she still assured me she was only closing down her account as she didn't need it anymore and to check her emails and facebook. I even stood talking to her and made her a cup of tea while she was on there. Well she got up, placed the laptop back in my bedroom and got herself ready for work and left. I said I was going to factory reset the laptop as I had been meaning to do it for months. I booted up the laptop, and I'm sorry but if anyone says I'm wrong on this I would call them liars. Yes, I looked in the history again, assuming that it was all clear and that I would be happy that she had done so. Nope, still there, conversations obviously she had been having while I was talking to her. I really don't think she can help herself anymore and I have lost absolutely all trust in her now totally. I looked and from what I saw before I gave up, she has made arrangements to meet two different guys. one quoted "Shall we have a drink and meal first?". Well, what can you say to that, well I mean please, not on an empty stomach. I assume it wasn't a game of Lawn Bowls as the weather isn't quite right yet. So she has lied, hard cold blooded lies. I really now think everything I had with her was probably a lie on her part. Every ounce of love, emotion and caring I had for her has gone, totally dissolved in this sad state of her sorry mind.

I want to publish this blog to everyone, I'm not yet sure I will. I would be stooping down to her level... but then again no, I don't think I would be. What I am writing is that what is happening in my life. I can still see the funny side of things, perhaps where I am trying to humour myself rather than lose the plot. There are no lies in my words, I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to convey what I have put up with. I don't know how I would have survived this all so far with my few close friends. It must be difficult for them listening to me, when they have been friends with her for far longer than I have known her. I am sorry for putting my problems to them. But they are all I have and I need to talk. They know that, I'm sure. At some stage this blog will turn away from these dark days and hopefully evolve into something worthy of reading for most people. My insight on life. I know that I have a future, and I can make things happen.

I had a nice conversation this evening with friends who in turn commented that they can see how much stronger I have become. I think they might be a little surprised how I have managed to keep my head above water considering all. I think I'm thinking that too. I have some major thinking ahead of me and even bigger decisions to make too I guess, but I will cope. I'm determined.
I was given some inspiration which made me think back to a conversation I had with an old long lost friend I once had. It was just one line that was said to me by that person which has stuck in my memory for all these years, and I think its time to act on those words. It will involve a little research but that's what the Internet is for, apart of course from finding anyone that desperately wants to fuck your brains out, whether its before or after lunch. (I wonder if they give out after eights still?) Anyway, more about my ideas later in another post.

I'm off to London in a few hours, coach ticket booked and I think its going to be a very limited sleep again. I dare say I will be able to get my head down for the 2 hours travelling time. I'm looking forward to the trip, to see an old (Young) good friend of mine who always welcomes me whenever I am there. I always find travelling in London great fun. I feel different while there, its a strange sensation really. The journey, the walking, the tube... but just mostly the people. All in their own little bubble type worlds, especially on the tubes. There is a strange law on the tube trains, well I think this anyway. You can sit next to each other, but you must not look at anyone. Even if you are jammed in like a sardine, standing with your face shoved against Mrs Jones's bosom (shit, how did she get there, and I didn't realise she was quite as tall?), just don't make eye contact. Maybe I will reflect on this tomorrow and actually look someone in the eye just to see what happens, if I am brave enough that is.

Right, enough said, sleep mode activated. More posts soon. As they say, Watch This Space.

Smiley Faces

Today was a difficult day. Again I didn't get to sleep until stupid o'clock and so woke about 10:30. I sat on the edge of my bed and felt the tears welling up. Deep breath, deep breath... I got myself out of it. Only just though, so I got myself showered and dressed and went and got a cup of tea. I don't know where the next three hours went but I eventually zapped some power into some batteries, powered up my camera and forced myself out for a stroll. I used the word forced intentionally.

I have a form of Agrophobia, where I have great difficulty in going out alone. I can get to work easy enough yes, but that's set in my mind. Im in a safe mode as such. But when it comes to going out places, socially or otherwise I have great difficulty. It's not a recent thing, but I know I have the problem, just no solution to the problem. Yes, I have been to see a Psychologist earlier last year. I didn't come up with an answer to why I am affected like I am, And I didn't gain a solution on how to bypass it. I find it difficult to interact with people. Whether its because I am really a shy person I don't know, I just feel really out of place. If I am walking down a street on my own and someone is walking towards me, the likelyhood is I will cross the road... and of course cross back over when they have passed.

Well as I was saying, I forced myself to go out. It took a good while to get myself together but I did, and walked out the door. I headed off down to the beach for no reason at all apart from to try and clear my head from all the shit I have taken over the past few days. I walked along the beach towards the pier, as that was my set goal. I stopped for a moment, buying myself a cup of tea from a kiosk and sitting down on one of the benches next to it. I sat there looking out to sea, my mind still really in a mess. Before I knew it I could feel the tears coming again. I managed not to cry, just supping on my hot cup of flavoured water, which wasn't particularly nice but it was better than nothing. I decided to carry on up as far as Southsea Castle. Took a few further pictures from there and decided to walk back as the light was fading. As I think about the day as I type it, it seems strange. I can remember it, but I don't really remember doing it if you know what I mean, almost as if it's just a story I've made up. I did do it though, I should be proud of myself really.

I got home hoping for some reason that she might have been there, but she wasn't. I found out later that she had been with him again. There's not a lot I can do about that to be fair I know, but it still deepened the hurt inside of me. I had tried ringing her earlier to find out if she was home or would be home but she didn't answer, as I should really have expected.

I decided to make some dinner so shoved that in the oven and 30 minutes later dinner was done. Cheese Vegetable Pie, Beans and ...... SMILEY FACES!!!!!!!
I really should see the funny side of this but there I am looking down at these reconstituted frozen/baked potato bastards. I mean why are they so f**king happy. I think I quite mentally stabbed each one, that'll teach these potato drug induced smilers to look up at me off my plate with such insensitive grins. Having said all that, they didn't taste too bad!

I keep looking at my phone hoping that someone might call, not that I get too many calls but I feel so lonely now, I dont mind saying that. I have said it before and I will say it again. I just want to talk, it doesnt matter about what, just human contact. Someone who is interested, someone who really wants to talk to me for me being me. I feel guilty calling people in case they are trying to avoid me or really don't know what to say to me which is probably more the likely to be the case. In the end I called my Cousin Lynne who I really don't call often enough but should. We can normally have a good laugh at our (mainly disfunctional) family's expense. I don't know when I last saw Lynne, I sort of remember what she looks like, it's been that long. She said she recently saw my facebook picture and immediately likened me to my Dad and Grandfather. Not sure if it was the beard that did it.. but thanks for that dear cousin, something more for me to worry about??? I suppose it would have been worse if she had said I looked like one of my brothers, I would have been on the next bus and knocking on her door. It seemed I talked to her for quite a while and I think I almost forgot how I have been feeling for a short while. It was a good conversation and I thank her for taking the time to talk with me.

Later on I heard the key in the door, she had come home, I basically needed to talk with her and for once, she actually sat down. I'm not going to go into the greatest of details about that conversation. One because I can't remember much of it apart from learning some more stuff I didn't want to hear about, and two, the likelyhood of me thinking about it will just not help me in my emotional state. I do remember I ended up in tears again. I have resigned myself to the fact that its going to happen a lot more. But we have at least decided to sit down sometime in the week and try and sort out the financial side of things. Well thats the plan anyway. Whether it will happen like that is anyones guess.

So what now, its 02:36 and Im wide awake again. If I went and laid down I would probably sleep but then what do I have to get up to. Nothing, she will be out at work and then she will be out with HIM directly after that during the day. She will supposedly be home in the early evening. She has at least let me know her plans which I am greatful for, because for as much as she has done to hurt me, I still do worry about her. NOTE TO SELF: If I am reading this in a years time, I wonder how differently I feel about it all?

Tomorrow I will be planning my day trip to London . I always like going to London, it's not just being there, it's the journey to and from I love. But I do make sure I get to see my good friend there who has been a great support to me over the years I have known her. Whatever problems I have had, she has always been there with some great advice and I hope she knows that I really do appreciate it all.

Right, well it's cup of tea time and then bed. There's more than a couple of biscuits in the cupboard too, lucky for those choccy digestives that they ain't those square-ish jammy smiley faced ones, or it would probably be a mass murder... 'oh crumbs'!!!

On that note, see you on the next post.

Fortune Cookie

I had a 'blip' this morning, I stupidly thought that I had got some sort of grip on my emotions. I found out I was still only clinging to reality. I tried to have a conversation with her, but it wasn't going to happen. I just don't understand how one person can manage to totally devestate a persons life in an instant like that. What has changed so much in of a matter of a few days that she can't even speak to me properly. It feels to me like she might be enjoying this.
I dare say she is at the centre of her own little world, and I don't mean that in a nasty way. Im not sure anyone is truly with her though? Perhaps she wasn't expecting me to cry so much. Perhaps she was expecting me to shout and scream blue murder at her. I couldn't do that, not to someone who has meant everything to me, however she has treated me.

I have started to notice some changes in me though. Im starting to feel a little bit of bitterness, rightly or wrongly so, I suppose I should expect that. But thats half my problem, I think too much about things that I cant do anything about. I know I am going to have to make drastic changes, and even if they are for the good of me, some of those things scare me. I had another chat on the phone again today with my good friend. She sees things so clearly, it helps.. it really does help. I do hope that this feeling of a fine shell around me will soon break away and I can stretch my wings a little.

You might be wondering what any of this had got to do with a fortune cookie if you read my title. I was feeling, or thought I was feeling hungry earlier.
I went to a local chinese takaway and bought some chips and battered mushrooms. I ate the chips forcably, but the battered mushrooms went in the bin. I still feel hungry now but I dont think its hunger, its just a true empty feeling. Anyway, we know all about that now.
In the bag I found they had put a fortune cookie inside. I was expecting to break open a world of advice (as you do) on my current problems. With anticipation I opened up the packet and snapped open the 'cookie', carefully removing the slip of paper with all the words of wisdom to help me through my darkest days.... it read "YOU WOULD MAKE AN EXCELLENT ACTOR." I could read a lot into that... but I won't. Yet!!! More tomorrow maybe.

Emptyness

Its 01:00 as I write this, my sleep pattern is totally out of sync even for my standards. Time seems to be disappearing as I keep drifting into a haze of emptyness. I want to be able to go backwards in time, Im trying to work out where I have gone wrong. Im trying to find answers, am I a bad person? Was it something Ive said? Something Ive done to really hurt her? I heard her laughing from her bedroom tonight.. on the phone to someone. I didnt need to guess who, I asked if she was having a laugh at my expense? Im told I never come into the conversation. I mean its almost as though I ever meant anything to her, its how I feel. I havent cried since about 3pm. I suppose thats good, or Im just cried out, I dont know. I still hurt, I feel fragile, lonely, hollow and even vulnerable. How am I going to trust anyone again. I had 11 years of a crap life prior to meeting her and I know she wasnt having a good time. I thought at last I had found someone so special, and for her to be able to do this to me, us? She still hasn't even shown one little ounce of emotion... but I guess shes having too good a time. Good luck to her, but I wont be trying to defend her actions anymore, cos I feel thats what Ive been trying to do, by not telling anyone. She hasn't even told her daughter to date, who I will actually miss seeing. She is a good girl and I wish her well. Well, people will find out soon enough that the two of us have come to this abrupt end. My close friends know, and they have been a great support, I thank them for that. Im not sure where I would be at this point in time if it hadn't been for them. So thank you guys and gals, you know who you are. Time to plug myself in and sleep (the fun of cpap). Goodnight world.