Faithful Alongside

I returned back to work yesterday (Friday) but it was a bit of a bumpy start.
I sat down in my 'little' office and I had trouble holding my emotions back and I unashamedly admit to crying. Luckily nobody saw me and I got around it quite quickly, with the help of a quick call to a dear friend who gives the best pep talks. The day returned to normal pretty quickly. I was asked by several people if I had a good holiday, and I actually found it quite easy to say, 'no, she broke off our engagement and relationship without word of warning'. Words to those effect anyway. People dot really know what to say, some seem shocked and I guess some are genuinely so but once you have turned around they carry on and its all forgotten.
I did actually get a hug unexpectedly from one of the staff who had realised something was going on but wasn't quite sure what, so I explained to her.
She threatened to go around and smack her about a bit. I think she probably would have done too but I declined the offer. I think if I had wanted that to happen I probably would have done it myself by now. But that was the event of the day and I went on through the same old boring routine.

When I got home she had packed the cd collection away, mine and hers separately of course although I did have to grab some that were mine that she had. I don't think it was intentional on this occasion. But now it seems there is a crisis, and all of a sudden she expects me to let her have items that are mine. Now under normal circumstances I would have said I was OK about it. I probably cant fit that or don't need it. But why the hell should I be pandering to her needs all of a sudden. If she wants a couple of beside cabinets, go and effing buy some. OK, so there is one staying in the flat when I move in. What about it, I want the pair I bought. I have a brand new washing machine and fridge freezer that have been standing unused since we moved in here because I had bought them just before we moved. I want to take the washing machine but there is already one in the flat. I'm hoping I can take mine and get them to take their one out as mine dries too, handy for the winter. But she wants them, she offered to pay me for them. I don't really see why, she is going to be better off than me full stop. She can afford to go out, have fun, do what she likes really. Me, oh I'm just having to struggle to come to terms with everything she has done to me, the fact that I will be extremely hard up and have little spare money, if any, to do any damn things if there was anything I could damn well do anyway. She isn't getting anything of mine, because If I move again in say a year or two, I want to have stuff of mine, that I can take. If she gets it, I will have nothing and that will be me shelling out again. Simple answer dear... GO TO HELL!

Oh, I found out she got a new phone, a contract phone to talk to someone who she speaks to a lot as he lives in Somerset so she tells me. Strange that when she was with me she refused a contract phone saying they were a waste of money and she didn't need it. Again a show of her two facedness. Obviously she has money to spend on that, so she has money to buy furniture, that's what she would say to me if it was the other way around.

Worked again today (Saturday). I cant talk about my work because of the nature of the job I do. But lets just say I hate it and will be adding it to my list of priorities to do something about. Ive been working for the same crap company for 5 plus years now and it doesn't help in any way with my depression. Actually it doesn't do much good for my health either. But that's all another story as I said I cant tell.

I got home and she had cooked a pasta bake. Well I have cooked for her a couple of times. But she told me she was going out. Another guy, going to Southampton to see a Who tribute act. She was waiting to be picked up. She cant understand why I get upset about it all. I pointed out to her that she is doing all the things that we could have been doing together. And the fact that she can afford to be going out here there and everywhere, while I haven't got a fucking penny to my name. I'd love to be able at least to afford to be going out and about. But no, she has seen to that. She is just rubbing my nose in it, and she loves every minute of it. I caught her unawares on her phone before she went out and obviously the way she shied away that it was the fellow of the moment. When she came back down I said outright, 'Why don't you invite the bloke in for a nice cup of coffee when you get home eh?' Her response which almost made me laugh was,'I wouldn't do that, I'm not THAT evil a person'. Erm, excuse me, YES you fucking well are. You have been evil since you started this sorry set of events. You have shown no emotion, not a care in the world whatsoever. You have loved every minute of what you have been doing to me ever since that nice big broad smile you gave while you told me you had been shagging some bloke the first night you met two weeks prior to ending our relationship. You are evil, not the person I loved so much and for the reason I still hurt so much today. But then what did you do next tonight. Aaaah, you told me this person didn't know where you lived. Hmmm, funny how that car came past without stopping, beeping the horn several times. Nothing to do with you you say when I mentioned it just as you hurried out the door. I watched you go up through the alleyway where this bloke gave you a kiss before you walked out of view. Funny how he knew where you was coming from isn't it. Please, I am not fucking stupid you know. Only for being made a mug of for the last year.

Well, it makes no odds I guess. I will be out of your life... no I will rephrase that. YOU will be out of my life very soon and you know what, yes I will have problems adjusting to the loneliness, the lack of finances etc etc. But there's one thing I will have that you don't. Dignity. My dignity. Something you lost very quickly in my eyes but then maybe you have been missing that a while I'm not sure. Its gone for you now anyway. You can strut yourself about like the madam you want to be, and there will be people who don't know the real you. But they will watch you, and they will see you, and they will make their judgement on you. I just hope non get taken in by you like I did. For their sakes.

Phew, that was an amazing flurry of expression coming out of me. And I meant every word of it too. Maybe the AD's are kicking in. Actually saying that I have been a bit shaky the last day or two since starting them. I feel like I have the trembles, which I probably do. I will give them a week as they need to kick in. I can feel a 'sugar coating shell' around me, its probably the tabs doing it.

I have a day off as its Easter Sunday. I was hoping to see my long lost cousin but she has taken ill so cant visit which is a shame. She has quite a serious op happening in a few days time so I wish her all the best with that and hope everything works out fine for her. She is a good sport and understands quite a lot about our disfunctional family as we call it. We always end up laughing about how non of us talk and who has done what. There is enough material to write a book I reckon. Well I'd buy a copy... even if it was only to wedge the back door open on a warm day. Well I wouldn't read it would I?
So I don't quite know what I am going to do. There should be a few event on somewhere nearby, but I quite fancy walking along to the Canoe Lake which is nearby to the Seafront. There are usually a few model boat buffs testing out their various sails and battleships on the water there. I've not had a close look so might able along with my camera to see if there are any interesting shots to be taken. I'm always good at finding something to photograph. One thing I know I am good at and keeps me relatively quiet for a while.

Well, for anyone who happens upon this blog, and those who already read it, have, or I hope you have a great Easter and may everything in your life be of happy things. I hope you feel loved, wanted, warm in the knowledge that you have someone faithful alongside you. Someone you can hold hands with and feel young inside. Enjoy your every moment of whatever it is that you do, and remember it for a long time. Let those memories bring a smile to your face, and let the love you have for each other make your heart flutter even when they are not with you.

Goodnight, until the next post.