Opportunity

Even though I didn't think I was going to have a bad day I did. The tiredness has just crept up on me like a prey to its victim. I just didn't see it coming. I got into work, sat down and without warning I was overwhelmed by a sense of something I can't actually describe. I'm told by a friend it is grief and I know I have to expect that. I just wasn't expecting it to happen to me in the way it did. Tears just filled up my eyes and ran down my face. I got away without anyone noticing again. For the rest of the day I felt so tired and I think that is half of my problems. I do not think I am sleeping well. Thinking about it, I must have gone out like a light last night as I didn't even put my CPAP mask on. I know I didn't want to get up when the alarm went off and I must have hit snooze about 5 times. Thinking about the day at work in general I don't remember much about it. It was a quiet day for me, and I didn't really do much. I think I sat and dosed off a couple of times. My whole body felt like it was trembling, and I can say I have felt like that a couple of times now. I suspect its the AD's that are doing that. I will have to see if they are going to affect me in ways that I don't want. I don't need any more problems at the moment.

I got home tonight to an empty house as she/they (assuming that her daughter is still staying here) are out. I thought about what it be like in just over a weeks time when I should have the keys to my newly rented flat. Opening up the door to another new life. Closing the door behind me and hopefully my troubles.
I will not have to worry about the things she says and does any longer.
She will have nothing to do with me any more. I wont have to listen to her lies.
I wont have to watch her being so smug about everything. I hope she is happy the way she wants to live. Because I know at least that I still have some morals and I have my dignity. I have kindness and friendship to give to those who seek it and in return I hope that people will show and offer me the same. I have to take hold of the opportunity I have been given to make things happen for me and find new challenges. I know I have to go looking for these things as they will not come to me. I have to make the changes now or I fear I will fall back into my dark world of unhappiness and loneliness. I have to believe in myself more that I have done in the past, and more so now than ever. I know I am a good man and I hope that people will see that in me. I can only be me though. I cannot, like some certain individuals, be somebody I am not. I am not going to live a lie that's for sure. I've been watching someone do that for a year now and I am glad, yes I said it... I am glad that it is over.

I watched a programme on the television tonight. Its a series called Medium about a woman who basically sees things that have happened or are about to happen and uses this information as part of her job in the District Attorneys office. Tonight there was a part where she quoted that the future is fluid. Nothing is definite until it actually happens. Small things that happen now can make bigger changes in the future. You cannot, however hard you try to, predefine your future. It will happen the way it was meant to. Well that is how I perceived the storyline and I can only guess what might happen in the future. But as long as I make those little differences in my life now, then I hope that it will make the bigger difference somewhere down the line of my future.
With that, I hope that makes a difference to the people around me in some way, and makes life better for them too.

Until the next post as my saying seems to go...