Smiley Faces

Today was a difficult day. Again I didn't get to sleep until stupid o'clock and so woke about 10:30. I sat on the edge of my bed and felt the tears welling up. Deep breath, deep breath... I got myself out of it. Only just though, so I got myself showered and dressed and went and got a cup of tea. I don't know where the next three hours went but I eventually zapped some power into some batteries, powered up my camera and forced myself out for a stroll. I used the word forced intentionally.

I have a form of Agrophobia, where I have great difficulty in going out alone. I can get to work easy enough yes, but that's set in my mind. Im in a safe mode as such. But when it comes to going out places, socially or otherwise I have great difficulty. It's not a recent thing, but I know I have the problem, just no solution to the problem. Yes, I have been to see a Psychologist earlier last year. I didn't come up with an answer to why I am affected like I am, And I didn't gain a solution on how to bypass it. I find it difficult to interact with people. Whether its because I am really a shy person I don't know, I just feel really out of place. If I am walking down a street on my own and someone is walking towards me, the likelyhood is I will cross the road... and of course cross back over when they have passed.

Well as I was saying, I forced myself to go out. It took a good while to get myself together but I did, and walked out the door. I headed off down to the beach for no reason at all apart from to try and clear my head from all the shit I have taken over the past few days. I walked along the beach towards the pier, as that was my set goal. I stopped for a moment, buying myself a cup of tea from a kiosk and sitting down on one of the benches next to it. I sat there looking out to sea, my mind still really in a mess. Before I knew it I could feel the tears coming again. I managed not to cry, just supping on my hot cup of flavoured water, which wasn't particularly nice but it was better than nothing. I decided to carry on up as far as Southsea Castle. Took a few further pictures from there and decided to walk back as the light was fading. As I think about the day as I type it, it seems strange. I can remember it, but I don't really remember doing it if you know what I mean, almost as if it's just a story I've made up. I did do it though, I should be proud of myself really.

I got home hoping for some reason that she might have been there, but she wasn't. I found out later that she had been with him again. There's not a lot I can do about that to be fair I know, but it still deepened the hurt inside of me. I had tried ringing her earlier to find out if she was home or would be home but she didn't answer, as I should really have expected.

I decided to make some dinner so shoved that in the oven and 30 minutes later dinner was done. Cheese Vegetable Pie, Beans and ...... SMILEY FACES!!!!!!!
I really should see the funny side of this but there I am looking down at these reconstituted frozen/baked potato bastards. I mean why are they so f**king happy. I think I quite mentally stabbed each one, that'll teach these potato drug induced smilers to look up at me off my plate with such insensitive grins. Having said all that, they didn't taste too bad!

I keep looking at my phone hoping that someone might call, not that I get too many calls but I feel so lonely now, I dont mind saying that. I have said it before and I will say it again. I just want to talk, it doesnt matter about what, just human contact. Someone who is interested, someone who really wants to talk to me for me being me. I feel guilty calling people in case they are trying to avoid me or really don't know what to say to me which is probably more the likely to be the case. In the end I called my Cousin Lynne who I really don't call often enough but should. We can normally have a good laugh at our (mainly disfunctional) family's expense. I don't know when I last saw Lynne, I sort of remember what she looks like, it's been that long. She said she recently saw my facebook picture and immediately likened me to my Dad and Grandfather. Not sure if it was the beard that did it.. but thanks for that dear cousin, something more for me to worry about??? I suppose it would have been worse if she had said I looked like one of my brothers, I would have been on the next bus and knocking on her door. It seemed I talked to her for quite a while and I think I almost forgot how I have been feeling for a short while. It was a good conversation and I thank her for taking the time to talk with me.

Later on I heard the key in the door, she had come home, I basically needed to talk with her and for once, she actually sat down. I'm not going to go into the greatest of details about that conversation. One because I can't remember much of it apart from learning some more stuff I didn't want to hear about, and two, the likelyhood of me thinking about it will just not help me in my emotional state. I do remember I ended up in tears again. I have resigned myself to the fact that its going to happen a lot more. But we have at least decided to sit down sometime in the week and try and sort out the financial side of things. Well thats the plan anyway. Whether it will happen like that is anyones guess.

So what now, its 02:36 and Im wide awake again. If I went and laid down I would probably sleep but then what do I have to get up to. Nothing, she will be out at work and then she will be out with HIM directly after that during the day. She will supposedly be home in the early evening. She has at least let me know her plans which I am greatful for, because for as much as she has done to hurt me, I still do worry about her. NOTE TO SELF: If I am reading this in a years time, I wonder how differently I feel about it all?

Tomorrow I will be planning my day trip to London . I always like going to London, it's not just being there, it's the journey to and from I love. But I do make sure I get to see my good friend there who has been a great support to me over the years I have known her. Whatever problems I have had, she has always been there with some great advice and I hope she knows that I really do appreciate it all.

Right, well it's cup of tea time and then bed. There's more than a couple of biscuits in the cupboard too, lucky for those choccy digestives that they ain't those square-ish jammy smiley faced ones, or it would probably be a mass murder... 'oh crumbs'!!!

On that note, see you on the next post.