I can and I will.

The weekend has gone by quickly, and pretty uneventful it was too.
She has been ok with me for the last few days which I guess in some way is good but as much as she has hurt me I sometimes wish I could turn back the clock to the way we were. But then that was before I knew what was going on and I wouldnt want to relive any of that.

She is househunting and I am flat hunting. I asked her if she would come and look at prospective flats with me because one thing she is good at is spotting potential problems. Pretty much like the first place I went to view, a ground floor flat with garden converted from a house. It was in so much need of renovation and repair it was a joke. There was no heating at all and it was just so dreary it was pretty much a no from the start. Not mentioning that the bathroom was basically a walk in cupboard with a shower, part of which was being held up with a bit of string. They were asking £550 a month for this.
I commented to the agent showing us around that I might have considered it at a hundred less. He responded with, 'At a hundred less I still wouldnt bother!'. Great, I thought, this is coming from the agent himself who is trying to help me. Minus points there but a few added for his honesty. While still out I got another call to visit another 1 bedroom flat. We were only a few minutes walk away so got there and was greeted by a snobby little 19 going on 12 year old girl, who was more a monitor at school than she was an agent.
So first we walked down into a 'cobbled yard' edged with cages and crap from the local shops. The girl asked us to look beyond the mess inside. She opened up the door and we walked in... the first thing we should have done was walked right out again. The place was a tip, strewn with just about everything imaginable. The work surfaces to the kitchen area was littered with beer bottles and god knows what and it stank to high heaven. I have a limited sense of smell but I was almost overpowered by it. It was a no. That place was supposedly going to be ready to move in a weeks time. It would take longer than that to clear and defumigate the place.
I have some more prospective places to look at in the coming few days so I will see what they are like.

So about her, well mostly about me I suppose. She is as you may have gathered, talking to me. Its not the easiest of situations but at least its not volatile.
She is still coming and going about her own business but from what I can tell, and perhaps the lack of her availablity to the internet, things have slowed down for her. I get a feeling she has got her few contacts now and she will keep to those particular ones until she gets bored with them or visa versa.
Im still not happy with what she has done and I still do not know why she did what she did the way she did it. She has always been a bit of a drama queen if that is the way to describe it, but I just took it as one of her quirks of nature.
I saw a new and ugly side of her I had never seen before and it wasnt a nice to see. How someone can turn like that is beyond me. But I have to look at it as a lucky escape. I feel a whole lot better than I did a week and a half ago.
Im starting to pick up parts of my life again. Im not looking too far into the future at the moment but I know at least that I have a future. Once I have a new place to live I can settle down again and maybe find some new friendships locally.

All of my life I think there is one thing I have felt the most, and that is lonely.
I dont think I have said that before, not out loud and neither have I confessed that to anyone in any detail. But there it is in writing. Me... lonely.
As a child I had few friends and even as I was growing up through junior and secondary school my friends were limited. My adult life was much the same and I was I think, quite a withdrawn person.
My defining moment was the year I met a married woman.
Yes, I met a married woman and for 3 years, every Friday she would pick me up and we would drive anywhere that took our fancy. Sometimes we would stay in and do what comes naturally.
Even though I was in my mid 20's she was the woman who really showed me the world in more ways that I can remember. I loved her and I know she loved me. Three years was a long time for a relationship to work in those circumstances and in my mind it was time, by then to call it a day. I had been wondering if I was letting the world slip by me, other love interests which could have been coming past me but not seeing them purely because I was happy with a relationship that was not able to develop further. She had told me from the outset that she was never going to leave her husband and I lived with that. I broke up with her, by letter. No email, no sms.. in fact no internet in those days. I remember getting a reply letter a few days later which I kept for years before throwing it away. It wasn't a nasty hateful letter, it was the most warm and understanding letter one could ever be sent. She was a beautiful person in more ways than one and I still think of her from time to time, wondering what happened to her.
From that letter on I never heard from her again. Some might say why didnt I go and look her up. Its was not an option, it was another time in my life where I couldnt go back to. I wouldnt want to go back there either now.
I hope she is well and happy even after all the years that have passed.

So as I end my post for the day, I can think about where I am right now in my life. It hasnt come to an end, that is one thing I am certain of. I can now start to move on. I can start afresh and find things to do. I will make a list of to-do's and post them on here and share my experiences of the things I have done. My interests of photography, art, nature and music are all things I can and will participate in again. I will not allow life to pass me by without it noticing me.
I am here and I am going to stay and live my life, not just exist it.
I refuse to return to my days of old.

I am here... I AM HERE!