Through the Barricades

Today was interesting. She came home at a reasonable time ready to make our way down to the letting agent to see what options there were and what we could do in our situations. Prior to leaving there was a bit of tit for tat between us. Some probably nonsense stuff but still stuff that although I don't need to hear, still ask for. My own fault entirely, but perhaps I am still looking for her to be truthful just once. For the most I feel I was quite calm and easy with her.
We caught the bus down to town, and went into the letting agents. We got straight into business, explaining the situation and getting help and advice.
To cut a long story short, I have a view of a property to rent on Saturday. I'm a little apprehensive about it. For reasons I will give later on, I know now that it will all be for my own good, because once I can close my own front door behind me she can do whatever she frigging well likes. I will talk about the property once I have seen it, so enough of that bit for now.

This evening as we both intended to go to the same pub/venue, we caught a cab together. Once we got there we seperated, she standing by the bar and myself sat quietly on the other side of the room.

Earlier in the day she had asked me what I had told certain people about our break up, and so I told her it was because I needed to talk to someone about my problems. She said she didnt talk to people about her problems. If that is the way she has to deal with her problems who am I to argue? At the same time though, if I hadn't have talked to someone I don't quite know what sort of state I would have been in today. Bearing in mind the flood of crap and mental torture she has given me over the past week I think I have done quite well. She said to me I shouldn't have told them everything that had been going on, but to be fair those people knew something was wrong well before I did that night, when earlier in the evening she had been caught out when she bumped into one of those very people with one of her blokes. She tells me it was the first one on the first night. Oh, and that's the night I had no idea where she was and had been ringing her friends worried out of my mind trying to find out if they knew where she might have been. Well one of them obviously knew, but I only found that out later as I previously have said. Everything she said and done after that was just additional. The fact is what she done was and still is unforgivable.

She left the pub earlier than usual tonight but did have the decency to say goodbye. I asked her if she was going home and she said yes. Well, I came home a couple of hours later and guess what. No sign of her being here. You know what I was thinking and although I shouldnt have been surprised by that fact, I called her and thanked her for lying to me yet again. I wasn't shouting while I did it, just a plain straightforward thank you for lying to me quote.

While I was typing this blog she got home and came at me saying 'Before you even start.....!. Well, she obviously knew what I was thinking and why shouldn't I? She told me she had got a bag of chips because she was hungry and then gone to another pub. What makes this funny for me is for months she has been saying how she doesnt drink anymore. Not that she ever drank a lot while I was with her anyway but she was adamant, and always got herself a soda water which in most pubs is free.
She said something to me and I didn't quite hear her so I went to find out what it was she had said. She was standing at the bottom of the stairs looking down on me and said that she didnt want to be having this conversation with me when she had had so many drinks. Southern Comfort and Coke to be precise, 5 in total. I dont care that she had been drinking, thats up to her but it was not her usual self and I dont quite know if she was sort of threatening me. With what? Maybe she was going to tell me some home truths. Maybe she was going to beat the shit out of me. I have no idea and no wish to know anything anymore.

A week has gone by now since all this has happened I feel like I am breaking through the barricades in my mind. I still feel slightly insecure, hurt, tired, empty and lonely. I know all of this will pass in good time but then I have always been one of lifes worriers. Admittedly I am not half as bad as I used to be many years ago, but sometimes it still creeps up on me when I least expect it to. I do have to learn to just hold my breath or bite my tongue a little longer while things slowly fall together now. But at least I feel I am now getting somewhere, starting to move on. Hopefully this weekend coming will give me a positive answer.

Friday is here now though. I have lists to make, plans to draw up... and a cat to cuddle. I'm thinking this poor cat of mine has been put through so much. He picks up so easily on what is going on around him and I know he doesnt understand, but he senses everything and it brings him down a few pegs and in turn makes him very unsettled indeed.

Time now for me to end my day... a little later than intended so until my next post, TTFN.