Emptyness

Its 01:00 as I write this, my sleep pattern is totally out of sync even for my standards. Time seems to be disappearing as I keep drifting into a haze of emptyness. I want to be able to go backwards in time, Im trying to work out where I have gone wrong. Im trying to find answers, am I a bad person? Was it something Ive said? Something Ive done to really hurt her? I heard her laughing from her bedroom tonight.. on the phone to someone. I didnt need to guess who, I asked if she was having a laugh at my expense? Im told I never come into the conversation. I mean its almost as though I ever meant anything to her, its how I feel. I havent cried since about 3pm. I suppose thats good, or Im just cried out, I dont know. I still hurt, I feel fragile, lonely, hollow and even vulnerable. How am I going to trust anyone again. I had 11 years of a crap life prior to meeting her and I know she wasnt having a good time. I thought at last I had found someone so special, and for her to be able to do this to me, us? She still hasn't even shown one little ounce of emotion... but I guess shes having too good a time. Good luck to her, but I wont be trying to defend her actions anymore, cos I feel thats what Ive been trying to do, by not telling anyone. She hasn't even told her daughter to date, who I will actually miss seeing. She is a good girl and I wish her well. Well, people will find out soon enough that the two of us have come to this abrupt end. My close friends know, and they have been a great support, I thank them for that. Im not sure where I would be at this point in time if it hadn't been for them. So thank you guys and gals, you know who you are. Time to plug myself in and sleep (the fun of cpap). Goodnight world.