Life Lines

Things happen for a reason. What goes around comes around. I've heard so many sayings Ive lost count of how many I have heard quoted. There is probably some truth in them and I hope that some more so than others.
Since my last post its not been too bad in the household. She has done her usual job of ignoring me, but then suddenly talking to me like nothing had happened... just for a few moments mind. Then back to her normal ignorant self. I have given up on trying to work her out. She brings her daughter into the house to stay the other night as she was visiting her boyfriend who lives local.
I got ignored earlier in the day. I questioned it and got told, 'Perhaps she is embarrassed!'. Hang on a mo, embarrassed by me? Surely we should be talking about you, her mother here. Oh, sorry, almost forgot you probably haven't told her every detail of our break up have you? So I find out a bit later when they come home from being out she is staying the night. Well I don't honestly mind. But it would have been nice if I had at least been told about it, but no. And what sort of a woman would bring someone into the house when all this is going on between us? Well as I said before, she is carrying on as if I never existed. Not a care in the world. And to top it all off she has her daughter staying again this evening. I really don't know how she can carry on like this. Am I the only one to see it, well obviously I suppose I am. Maybe her daughter doesn't care, maybe she does but I'm not bothered that she is staying. She is a good girl and has always been respectful while here. I'm just upset that she has been allowed to come into this household while things are the way they are. God knows what she must think of me?

I had a good day of sorts today. I got out of the house and onto a bus to take my paperwork into the letting agents. I have a date set for moving on the 16th April. I managed to get a couple of holiday days booked at short notice too so I will have three days to get moved in and the place sorted. Not forgetting the cat either. He wont be too happy but as long as there are familiar things around him with familiar smells, some nice warm spots for him to lay down he will settle quite quickly.

So now I have find a good company to move my stuff. A man with a van. I just hope I will find one that can move me at this short notice. I don't have a great deal of stuff to take with me.... erm, Ok I might have more stuff than I realise but I'm not leaving it for her. If its mine its going? Is that wrong of me to think like that? Nah, if I don't want it eBay will be seeing a lot more of me in the near future.

I got a call from the surgery today. A counsellor which was arranged with my Doctor. Its supposedly 6 sessions but I cant go to them. I need to be working and they only do Tuesdays. So there is me trying to get help but to do so I will have to lose some hours work. I will look at my work rosta tomorrow to see if I can juggle things but I don't know that I will manage that. To be honest the way I felt a week ago... well I don't need to explain if you have read through or have been following my previous posts. I feel different and I think its the AD's that are working.
I still obviously feel something as she still is getting to me but its more anger than anything. Actually I'm not sure how I feel in general. Tired, lonely, a little frustrated and anxious. Those are some of the things I feel. I am changing, part of me has gone forever because I feel something inside me is missing. Maybe its not missing for good, just a little lost amongst the debris of my torn apart life.

There are a couple of good things that have happened in the form of two sisters. I have known of them for a while but never really spoken to either of them until the last few days. They have been most supportive and understanding towards me. They both have their own fair share of problems I guess but they still manage to put aside those issues to speak to me with kindness and dignity. Two new friends found indeed.

So its lists of things to do, man with van to be found, stuff to be organised, things to be dismantled, items to be packed. I can safely say that's my weekend fully booked.

Before I finish this post, I want to say something else. When all the problems hit me a few weeks ago and what now seems like ages, I was hopelessly out of my depth. I didn't know where I was heading or where to turn to. I saw everything I had to live for ebbing away from me. I saw no lifeline.
But then it happened. My true friends were there when I needed them the most. They gave me support, hope and guidance. I would not have seen my way through this short but rocky journey without them. Even a total stranger through the power of this blog I started writing came to my aid. It gives me renewed faith in people, in the knowledge that there is always someone to turn to in moments of despair. I want to personally thank each and every one of those people for the love and support they showed me over what has got to be the most difficult days in my life.
I hope that if the time comes, I can be there for each and every one of those people and give as much strength and support that they have shown me. They have been good friends indeed, and I truly am glad they were there for me when I needed them the most. You all know who you are.

Til the next post...