Cups of Tea

Its been a negative day for me today, and my world is pretty much in black and white at the moment. I have lost all colour in my life it seems. Ive lost the will to do anything and no matter how I try, I find something else not to do and not do it. Im tired and irritable. I'm not sleeping properly and Im staying awake til the early hours, even though Im knackered. I know why Im doing it to myself too and I told the doctor this today. Its because I dont want to have to wake up and see the new day. I dont mean that in a suicidal way before you think it. Just another day where I am going to worry, stress, get more depressed. I can feel myself withdrawing into my shell again, a way I was a few years back and its not a nice place to be. I should just be able to shake these feelings off and just get on with life, but who is good at taking their own advice?
She has not been home at all today, but why am I bothered. She has made her views known, she has stated the facts. I miss being with her, for what its worth. She has been my best friend as well as my whole life for over a year. We fell into each other at lightening speed when we met up for the first time, but for me at least everything felt so right. I have, had never felt love so strong with anyone as I did with her. So she is out, with other people doing the things we could have been doing together. All the things we were going to do, the places we were going to go, the things we were going to see. All gone now, for me. She doesnt care, and I doubt that she even thinks about the way I actually feel. Even on her facebook people are wishing her the best of luck in her new home hunting. All these people she knows, and I wonder how much they would really think of this wonderful person if they knew what she has done to me, how she has ripped my life apart in such a single brutal way. Not to mention the... no, her reasons for doing it. Im thinking it should me who is actually the lucky one. Its a shame I found out the hard way I know, but to find out the one who I have loved for so long was never the person I thought she was. Im still hurting now, it feels like forever although deep down I know things will get better once I have moved. Well, they might not get better but hopefully they wont get any worse and I will be able to concentrate on my life without her.

As you may have gathered I went to the see the Doctor today, a scheduled appointment relating to the anti-depressants I am currently on. He knew a little of what was going on as he had read the previous notes left by the another doctor. He impressed me a little because he remembered some of the stuff we had discussed when we, being me and her, met him for the first time. He asked me some inevitable questions about what had happened and as soon as I started talking, thinking, remembering, ...the tears came back. I relived it all again in seconds, every moment, every thought and fear.
He asked me if I had people I could talk to like family. My disfunctional family is not an option although my Mum has been incredibly supportive towards me, which came as a bit of a surprise. I think it came as a shock to her when she heard the news but she also knew how much I was in love. I dont have any friends to me locally apart from some people who are also close friends of hers. I think it has made life awkward for them and to be honest, they have never contacted me to see if I am ok. Thats likely because they are busy doing their own things. The good friends I have that I can talk to live some distance away. I know they are on the end of a telephone line and I can call them anytime for a chat, but even though I feel down I sometimes feel that I am being a nuisance so dont call them. Anyway, the doctor did ask me if it would help if I talked to someone and I managed to get the 'yes' out. I know he is referring me to someone but Im not sure who. I hope that they will be able to help me get everything out of my system and start afresh. Here's hoping.

As for the day as a whole, Ive been stuck indoors. I had plans on going for a walk but couldn't face going out the door. So it looks like Im back to square one at the moment, back to my old ways but for a new set of reasons. So I sat at my pc, and made numerous cups of tea. Ive never drunk so much tea in my life.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring? Roll on the next post.