Facing Facts?

Well I didn't get much sleep again yesterday and it's been a very long day. I'm not sure if I should be bothered at writing more on the subject of whats been going on. I've been quite mild in consideration, holding back on a lot of things I could have said and quite defensive of her still in a way. In the last 24 hours if you think it couldn't have got any worse then think again, it did. We had a long conversation where I found out a lot more about what she had been doing. As it turned out I found out she had been on a website and this is where she found her... erm, new acquaintance. This isn't your average chat site where you would invite Mrs Jones around for a cup of tea and a biscuit. This is the sort of site where Mrs Jones would have to take two tablets, cover up the budgie and switch BBC radio 4 on very loudly before she would even look. The fact is she left all the chat details, profiles etc on MY laptop, which she used for most of the last year, actually longer. I did confront her when she got up to go to work this morning. I was quite calm, collective, and spoke mildly... and I guess cried a little. Apart from all that she was still her cold matter of fact sort of self. She assured me that she didn't need that website anymore as she was happy with the one guy she had found. Now that didn't make any sense to me whatsoever as she had already told me she wanted to be able to see more than one person.
I questioned her about the cold way she had told this guy in the open transcript of how I was a "3 minutes, roll over and sleep" person, with he assuring her he would take her places she had never been to before. I guess he didn't mean Tescos. She was not happy that I had been looking at all this and asked if I would I have read her diary if she had left it open on the table. I said no I wouldn't have but in a quick retort responded by saying, "But if I had left MY diary on the side, would you have written in it?... it's MY FUCKING LAPTOP!!!" I dont remember the reply but she is still adamant I shouldn't have read it. I suppose many other men would have grabbed her by the neck and chucked her out of the door, guess I'm weak? Maybe strong?? I don't know. Anyway, she asked me if she could use the laptop to close down the account after saying goodbye to a few people she had 'befriended' as it would be rude not to say something. Also so she could check her emails etc. God I must be the biggest fucking sucker in the whole world right now.

This evening she came home after her day with him. She had work tonight, well I assume that's where shes gone. We sat down amicably and discussed finances. We came to agreeable terms in the long run, I've yet to decide if Ive been scammed by her yet. Anyway, she was off to bed for a few hours kip before her shift. She was only gone ten minutes when she asked if she could borrow the laptop. I said yes and she still assured me she was only closing down her account as she didn't need it anymore and to check her emails and facebook. I even stood talking to her and made her a cup of tea while she was on there. Well she got up, placed the laptop back in my bedroom and got herself ready for work and left. I said I was going to factory reset the laptop as I had been meaning to do it for months. I booted up the laptop, and I'm sorry but if anyone says I'm wrong on this I would call them liars. Yes, I looked in the history again, assuming that it was all clear and that I would be happy that she had done so. Nope, still there, conversations obviously she had been having while I was talking to her. I really don't think she can help herself anymore and I have lost absolutely all trust in her now totally. I looked and from what I saw before I gave up, she has made arrangements to meet two different guys. one quoted "Shall we have a drink and meal first?". Well, what can you say to that, well I mean please, not on an empty stomach. I assume it wasn't a game of Lawn Bowls as the weather isn't quite right yet. So she has lied, hard cold blooded lies. I really now think everything I had with her was probably a lie on her part. Every ounce of love, emotion and caring I had for her has gone, totally dissolved in this sad state of her sorry mind.

I want to publish this blog to everyone, I'm not yet sure I will. I would be stooping down to her level... but then again no, I don't think I would be. What I am writing is that what is happening in my life. I can still see the funny side of things, perhaps where I am trying to humour myself rather than lose the plot. There are no lies in my words, I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to convey what I have put up with. I don't know how I would have survived this all so far with my few close friends. It must be difficult for them listening to me, when they have been friends with her for far longer than I have known her. I am sorry for putting my problems to them. But they are all I have and I need to talk. They know that, I'm sure. At some stage this blog will turn away from these dark days and hopefully evolve into something worthy of reading for most people. My insight on life. I know that I have a future, and I can make things happen.

I had a nice conversation this evening with friends who in turn commented that they can see how much stronger I have become. I think they might be a little surprised how I have managed to keep my head above water considering all. I think I'm thinking that too. I have some major thinking ahead of me and even bigger decisions to make too I guess, but I will cope. I'm determined.
I was given some inspiration which made me think back to a conversation I had with an old long lost friend I once had. It was just one line that was said to me by that person which has stuck in my memory for all these years, and I think its time to act on those words. It will involve a little research but that's what the Internet is for, apart of course from finding anyone that desperately wants to fuck your brains out, whether its before or after lunch. (I wonder if they give out after eights still?) Anyway, more about my ideas later in another post.

I'm off to London in a few hours, coach ticket booked and I think its going to be a very limited sleep again. I dare say I will be able to get my head down for the 2 hours travelling time. I'm looking forward to the trip, to see an old (Young) good friend of mine who always welcomes me whenever I am there. I always find travelling in London great fun. I feel different while there, its a strange sensation really. The journey, the walking, the tube... but just mostly the people. All in their own little bubble type worlds, especially on the tubes. There is a strange law on the tube trains, well I think this anyway. You can sit next to each other, but you must not look at anyone. Even if you are jammed in like a sardine, standing with your face shoved against Mrs Jones's bosom (shit, how did she get there, and I didn't realise she was quite as tall?), just don't make eye contact. Maybe I will reflect on this tomorrow and actually look someone in the eye just to see what happens, if I am brave enough that is.

Right, enough said, sleep mode activated. More posts soon. As they say, Watch This Space.