Well, it took a long time coming but I have finally got around to another installment of this blog. I feel like a totally different person from the one I was when I started this off those few weeks ago. Well since then, I have found and moved into my new home. Things have gone very well and everything went smoothly more or less. I have been here just over a week now and I feel at home. I didnt think I would but I do. Im not bothered about anything or anyone now. I am free to live my own life again and although I wouldnt say I am happy happy, I am ok and not struggling to keep up with things. She is acting a little strange as it turns out. For one that went off on one with me like there was no tomorrow, she has suddenly been strangely friendly towards me. I seriously think she needs to know what I am doing and how I am coping. Maybe she thinks I wouldnt and wants to gloat. Im not sure but I am a little wary. She has been around a couple of times now mainly to bring odd things that got left behind and post that has gone there. But she has also called up to ask if I am home as she wants to come and help me get things tidy and unpacked. This evening included. So she came around and started by sitting down and promptly falling asleep on the sofa. She had come round straight from work and was obviously tired. I made a cup of tea anda she had woken again by then and got around to emptying some of the boxes. Admittedly she has a knack of getting things done but I felt a little like she was trying to be in control. I have got on for the week without her and I to be quite frank, not really given much thought about her. Its how she wanted it and its how she is getting it. I really cant be arsed anymore. She showed me the sort of person she really is inside and I do not really want to associate myself with her anymore. It all feels a little surreal with her being here. Im not quite sure why she is bothering.
Anyway, enough about her for the moment. I have a home, a flat and a nice one at that. The furniture is in place and shelves filled with all manner of books and dvd's. I have new pots and pans which means I can now cook some real food at last. I have food in the cupboards and freezer. Everything is just about in its place and it feels good. I can go to bed at night and get a reasonable good nights sleep, well as much as I can with bouts of waking up. Im not sure why I am waking but I hope to get to the bottom of that when I have my sleep apnoea clinic on Thursday. I am wearing my face mask so I shouldnt be waking up. All I know is I am having trouble, and I mean real trouble staying awake during the day at work. Im worried that its seriously going to effect my health.
Something else I cant quite believe is how quiet it is here. Outside is like living in a world of Sundays. Hardly a car on the road and few people about at any time. Its almost like a typical sleepy village. When you sit at the bus stop it seems you will always end up in a conversation with whoever else is standing there. Its almost like being in a different world and still only half a mile maybe from where I was living before. I dont mind it at all though. I can open my windows and not hear traffic. I can hear birds though. I can look out of my window and see the water on Langstone Harbour on the far side of the university sports field. I have not ventured out for a walk yet as I have had work to do and getting things sorted out indoors. I may have a little wander tomorrow afternoon if the weather is nice.
Did I say it earlier in this post... well if I did I am going to say it again anyway. I feel so very different. I am not ashamed of the way I felt before I got to here. I learned some valuable lessons in life. Who to trust, who not to trust. True friendships, and some with empty values. I went through sheer hell, but although I didnt know it then, it has made me stronger. Everything that has happened in the past is just that... 'in the past'. I have a future, and it is what I make of it that will make all the difference. Im looking forward to moving forward and setting out with some new plans and ideas. Starting out taking small steps at a time, little by little until I can start to take bigger steps and make my life worthy of living. I look forward to being the me I can be. It will take time but I will get there. I hope that in some way people will see me for who I am and maybe try and get to know me a little more. Not because they have to but because they want to. If that happens then I know I will have made a very big difference.
Enough said for now. Until the next post....
Monday, 26 April 2010
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
Penny Pinching
I've been sitting here with a blank screen in front of me for about 5 minutes now not knowing for sure what to write. I don't want to go over again what I have already been saying. Nothing has changed there. I managed to have a conversation with her this evening albeit short lived. I questioned her over a matter of money. Money that she has promised me from the outset to pay for the costs of myself having to move out. She keeps avoiding giving me any straight answer. Tonight was not any different really. She basically told me to stop going on about it. She told me how she had to shell out £400 fees to the bank today, and that was not expected by her. I only pointed out to her that I hadn't expected to be suddenly confronted with the costs of having to leave my home, because of her actions. That was the end of the conversation. I went and cooked myself something to eat and watched a little tv. She suddenly flew down the stairs and I managed to ask what she was doing and she said going to get something to eat. Well I assumed the local chippy but that was about 3 hours ago so I can assume that I will get woken later when she comes in the front door. Well that is assuming she does come in tonight and not 06:30 like she did this morning. Still, its no skin of my nose. She can do what she pleases, she cant do any worse than what she has already done to me. She has more than proved that she has very few morals, if any. The likely hood of me getting any of this money at the moment doesn't look very likely. Its mostly money she owes me from when we first moved down here. I used up all of what savings I had and she promised me back then that she would repay me for various things when she was working again. Well she got regular work but the money didn't show. I didn't ask her for it as I didn't think I had to. We were together and I was happy with that. I thought I would get the money sooner or later. But again, now I look back on things, its all clear that she has tried to make a fool out of me and used me from the outset.
I will badger her until she pays me what she owes me minimum. Just because I will have moved out does not mean she wont here from me. I will make sure she doesn't forget. And when she has done the honest thing, then she can do whatever she pleases. But I WILL be on her back until then. I might be starting to sound mean but I don't think I am being anything of the sort. Its time she started understanding a few things. All the time she is seen by me to be going out to various places for dinners, pubs, whatever else, I see that as her spending money that belongs to me. I have nothing now, she has seen to that. She told me I should scrimp and save a little but how do you scrimp and save something when you haven't got anything to scrimp and save with. Well she can do a bit of penny pinching to and give me what she owes me. Then and only then will I let her be. I think it might be a long month or so for the both of us.
Well I have one more day at work until my 3 day epic weekend starts. So much to do, I am hoping everything goes smoothly and without any problems. I was thinking that I have not been living on my own now for over 5 years. I never thought I would end up back to living alone again. I have a fear of being alone, I'm not sure how I will cope with that. It might come a lot easier than I am thinking right now. But there is one certain thing I know I will not miss and that is being in the same house as her. That I will be glad of. There will be a lot of things to get used to again while living the single life. There will also be a lot of changes made to my life and how I spend my time. As long as I just enjoy the experience and make things happen for me, then all will be good in the world. If other people are not interested in what I do then that's not my problem, I will find others that share common interests. This is the rest of my life and I am going to start living.
And as long as my little putty tat has a warm place or two to sleep his days away, then he will be happy too.
I hope to add a final post tomorrow night before I ship out to new worlds... well just along the road actually. If not then the next one will be from my new home and there should be plenty to tell then.
So, until the next post...
I will badger her until she pays me what she owes me minimum. Just because I will have moved out does not mean she wont here from me. I will make sure she doesn't forget. And when she has done the honest thing, then she can do whatever she pleases. But I WILL be on her back until then. I might be starting to sound mean but I don't think I am being anything of the sort. Its time she started understanding a few things. All the time she is seen by me to be going out to various places for dinners, pubs, whatever else, I see that as her spending money that belongs to me. I have nothing now, she has seen to that. She told me I should scrimp and save a little but how do you scrimp and save something when you haven't got anything to scrimp and save with. Well she can do a bit of penny pinching to and give me what she owes me. Then and only then will I let her be. I think it might be a long month or so for the both of us.
Well I have one more day at work until my 3 day epic weekend starts. So much to do, I am hoping everything goes smoothly and without any problems. I was thinking that I have not been living on my own now for over 5 years. I never thought I would end up back to living alone again. I have a fear of being alone, I'm not sure how I will cope with that. It might come a lot easier than I am thinking right now. But there is one certain thing I know I will not miss and that is being in the same house as her. That I will be glad of. There will be a lot of things to get used to again while living the single life. There will also be a lot of changes made to my life and how I spend my time. As long as I just enjoy the experience and make things happen for me, then all will be good in the world. If other people are not interested in what I do then that's not my problem, I will find others that share common interests. This is the rest of my life and I am going to start living.
And as long as my little putty tat has a warm place or two to sleep his days away, then he will be happy too.
I hope to add a final post tomorrow night before I ship out to new worlds... well just along the road actually. If not then the next one will be from my new home and there should be plenty to tell then.
So, until the next post...
Almost There
Well it has been a few days since my last post. There have been arguments and moments of tense peace over the last few days. Lots of stuff has been packed and ready to be moved on Saturday, the day I finally move out. I say finally like its something that I have been waiting to do for a long time. Its been almost a month now since I found out what she had been doing. And even now I am seeing her totally differently from how I used to. She really isn't the person I knew and I don't say that just because I am trying to get back at her for how she treated me. Its because she really has changed. I don't know this person she has become. She is not a nice person, and I am glad I will not be around her for much longer and I wont have to think about her.
I was recently made aware via what she has told me that she is now in a relationship. I will try not to laugh too much as I write this. She told me the other night quite sincerely that her 'new bloke' really feels bad for me. I asked why he would think that as she never talks about me according to what she does tell me. She said its because he said it he feels for me because I have lost such a wonderful woman like her. Oh is she for real... or is he for that matter. When I first met her I didn't think anything of her. We were just in the same place at the same time. We met a few more times at various venues. When we finally got together I did fall in love quickly and I did think she was a wonderful person. But when I met her she was seeing various other guys but she stopped seeing them for me. I now know she never was really going to change for long. That's why I feel I was just a convenient excuse for her to leave London and move in with me before moving where we live... lived together until now. She is manipulative, that's for sure and she will quite happily latch on to people to get whatever it is she wants for that moment. She will hurt people to get what she wants. She has proved that on two other occasions that I know of. She will be happy for a while... maybe she will be happy for years. It shouldn't matter to me any more. I just hope that one day she will make a mistake and people will really see her for what she really is. There are people about her who I really don't think know what has gone on. All they know is she is 'single' again. I don't think they are aware how much she hurt me. I know there are those that do know what I went through. Sadly some have chosen to act as if nothing has happened. A form of acceptance and I guess it makes her feel that she has a seal of approval from them. I'm not sure that is the case but it makes me feel bad that I have, due to all that has happened, made life awkward for them. But those people have not been in touch to see how I am. Are they people I can still call friends? Maybe they only tolerated me because I was with her. I don't suppose I will know for sure. I just know I will feel awkward around those people if we cross each others paths.
Something I am becoming aware of is that my dreams, although I cant remember them, are disturbing my sleep. I think my unconscious mind is struggling to cope with all the data it is trying to make sense of. I am feeling very tired again. Even with a so called good amount of sleep I still feel drained. I hope it is just everything that has happened and that is happening that's causing it.
Well I will try and get one more post in before my move. Then it will be at least the middle of the week before I can post again as I get the cable set up again mid week.
So until the next post.... to my friends and those who read this, may only good find you.
I was recently made aware via what she has told me that she is now in a relationship. I will try not to laugh too much as I write this. She told me the other night quite sincerely that her 'new bloke' really feels bad for me. I asked why he would think that as she never talks about me according to what she does tell me. She said its because he said it he feels for me because I have lost such a wonderful woman like her. Oh is she for real... or is he for that matter. When I first met her I didn't think anything of her. We were just in the same place at the same time. We met a few more times at various venues. When we finally got together I did fall in love quickly and I did think she was a wonderful person. But when I met her she was seeing various other guys but she stopped seeing them for me. I now know she never was really going to change for long. That's why I feel I was just a convenient excuse for her to leave London and move in with me before moving where we live... lived together until now. She is manipulative, that's for sure and she will quite happily latch on to people to get whatever it is she wants for that moment. She will hurt people to get what she wants. She has proved that on two other occasions that I know of. She will be happy for a while... maybe she will be happy for years. It shouldn't matter to me any more. I just hope that one day she will make a mistake and people will really see her for what she really is. There are people about her who I really don't think know what has gone on. All they know is she is 'single' again. I don't think they are aware how much she hurt me. I know there are those that do know what I went through. Sadly some have chosen to act as if nothing has happened. A form of acceptance and I guess it makes her feel that she has a seal of approval from them. I'm not sure that is the case but it makes me feel bad that I have, due to all that has happened, made life awkward for them. But those people have not been in touch to see how I am. Are they people I can still call friends? Maybe they only tolerated me because I was with her. I don't suppose I will know for sure. I just know I will feel awkward around those people if we cross each others paths.
Something I am becoming aware of is that my dreams, although I cant remember them, are disturbing my sleep. I think my unconscious mind is struggling to cope with all the data it is trying to make sense of. I am feeling very tired again. Even with a so called good amount of sleep I still feel drained. I hope it is just everything that has happened and that is happening that's causing it.
Well I will try and get one more post in before my move. Then it will be at least the middle of the week before I can post again as I get the cable set up again mid week.
So until the next post.... to my friends and those who read this, may only good find you.
Saturday, 10 April 2010
Happy Bunny
A Passing Thought
Should there ever be a day in my life I want to cry, today is the day.
The day that again, I feel abused without a touch being felt,
a word being said, a look being glanced.
Today is the day I am going to be sad, but only for today.
For tomorrow is not today, and who knows what tomorrow will bring me?
John Day - 13/09/97 02:56am
While sorting through stuff that has been packed and unpacked and then repacked over the years, I found an old note pad of mine with the above entry in.
I could have written those words yesterday.
It has been a quiet day today. No arguments and she did help me in getting started with the packing. Not that I have got much done so it means twice as much work tomorrow but it will be done. Its got to be. I managed to get hold of a removal company and they are coming out to 'preview' what needs to be removed on Monday afternoon. I also managed to speak to the cable company and I was stunned. I told them I was moving and as finances would be a little tight initially, would it be possible perhaps to take away some of the services or reduce them. I could do without the phone line as I have enough airtime on my mobile to cover most of what I would ever use. The guy on the end of the phone said I would only reduce the bills by about £4 a month and as it costs approximately £30 now it wasnt a great amount. He then said, 'Hold on a mo, let me tap a few keys here and see what happens', followed by,' how about we reduce your payments to £17 for six months?'. I asked if that was for the same service I was receiving now and the answer came back as a firm yes.
How is that for customer service and what a great way of keeping your customers.
The thing is I have always been impressed with the customer services at Virgin and I would always recommend them to anyone.
So I am a happy bunny today. I feel better than I have in a while, and although I still have a long way to go before I get my life sorted out, I feel I am now getting somewhere.
Tiredness creeps up on me quickly and this moment in time is of no exception,
so until my next post... and may your day tomorrow, whichever day it happens to be, be a happy one.
Entertainment
I was not going to write anything this evening. I didnt think I had anything to say for once but I had itchy fingers so to speak and knew that as soon as I started typing the words will flow and I can feel them building up as I rattle away at the keys. I wouldnt say I had a screaming row with her this afternoon but I think we can safely call it a heated exchange. She still bugs me and she doesnt know why she does it. She has absolutely no idea how she made me feel and just the fact that she is so narrow minded about the whole thing. I try to shut it all out but it just gets in and manifests itself. I must say I am getting over her though. I see her in a completely different light and its like I can hardly remember being with her a year, my memories shut back in the beyond of a dark recess of my mind, locked and the key posted well out of town. I am quietly looking forward to moving now. I have something new to look forward to. I will cope with it all, even if I do need a little chat with my friends from time to time. Speaking of which it seems I have upset some people who I consider friends, but having had feedback from her about things that have been disgust between me and them, I assume I have been an embarressment to them. I was wrong to call on them in the days following my severe grief and depression. Well I guessed it would probably cause a problem but I was thinking of myself at the time and I really had nobody else close to me that I could turn to. Well, she has put me to rights and so I will , when I see those people next, apologise to them profoundly. I cant do or say more than that. They are her friends and I wouldnt want to cause them any grief. I admit it must have been awkward for them but 'she' seemed annoyed that I had even been talking to them.
I have had a pretty enjoyable evening watching a little bit of television, catching up on a couple of programs. But for the most I found a neat little website that reminds me of Pandora, a site that I could once listen to lots of music until they blocked countries outside of America. Well this one might go the same way but while I can use it its brilliant. I found music that I havent heard in such a long time. I made a great evening of entertainment for myself.
Well, there it is, a little piece of writing that has nothing relevant to the reason I first started this blog. I knew it would come and so hopefully will plenty more of my thoughts and reflections of days to come and things of the past.
Packing tomorrow, supposedly being helped by her. It might or might not happen but then, if it does I must learn to bite my lip. Just til the end of the week.
As this is a cut and run post, ie ie, Ive not checked for type errors or spellings or content for that matter, if it doesnt make sense to you then its probably because it doesnt make sense. Simple.
So... until the next post...
I have had a pretty enjoyable evening watching a little bit of television, catching up on a couple of programs. But for the most I found a neat little website that reminds me of Pandora, a site that I could once listen to lots of music until they blocked countries outside of America. Well this one might go the same way but while I can use it its brilliant. I found music that I havent heard in such a long time. I made a great evening of entertainment for myself.
Well, there it is, a little piece of writing that has nothing relevant to the reason I first started this blog. I knew it would come and so hopefully will plenty more of my thoughts and reflections of days to come and things of the past.
Packing tomorrow, supposedly being helped by her. It might or might not happen but then, if it does I must learn to bite my lip. Just til the end of the week.
As this is a cut and run post, ie ie, Ive not checked for type errors or spellings or content for that matter, if it doesnt make sense to you then its probably because it doesnt make sense. Simple.
So... until the next post...
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
Opportunity
Even though I didn't think I was going to have a bad day I did. The tiredness has just crept up on me like a prey to its victim. I just didn't see it coming. I got into work, sat down and without warning I was overwhelmed by a sense of something I can't actually describe. I'm told by a friend it is grief and I know I have to expect that. I just wasn't expecting it to happen to me in the way it did. Tears just filled up my eyes and ran down my face. I got away without anyone noticing again. For the rest of the day I felt so tired and I think that is half of my problems. I do not think I am sleeping well. Thinking about it, I must have gone out like a light last night as I didn't even put my CPAP mask on. I know I didn't want to get up when the alarm went off and I must have hit snooze about 5 times. Thinking about the day at work in general I don't remember much about it. It was a quiet day for me, and I didn't really do much. I think I sat and dosed off a couple of times. My whole body felt like it was trembling, and I can say I have felt like that a couple of times now. I suspect its the AD's that are doing that. I will have to see if they are going to affect me in ways that I don't want. I don't need any more problems at the moment.
I got home tonight to an empty house as she/they (assuming that her daughter is still staying here) are out. I thought about what it be like in just over a weeks time when I should have the keys to my newly rented flat. Opening up the door to another new life. Closing the door behind me and hopefully my troubles.
I will not have to worry about the things she says and does any longer.
She will have nothing to do with me any more. I wont have to listen to her lies.
I wont have to watch her being so smug about everything. I hope she is happy the way she wants to live. Because I know at least that I still have some morals and I have my dignity. I have kindness and friendship to give to those who seek it and in return I hope that people will show and offer me the same. I have to take hold of the opportunity I have been given to make things happen for me and find new challenges. I know I have to go looking for these things as they will not come to me. I have to make the changes now or I fear I will fall back into my dark world of unhappiness and loneliness. I have to believe in myself more that I have done in the past, and more so now than ever. I know I am a good man and I hope that people will see that in me. I can only be me though. I cannot, like some certain individuals, be somebody I am not. I am not going to live a lie that's for sure. I've been watching someone do that for a year now and I am glad, yes I said it... I am glad that it is over.
I watched a programme on the television tonight. Its a series called Medium about a woman who basically sees things that have happened or are about to happen and uses this information as part of her job in the District Attorneys office. Tonight there was a part where she quoted that the future is fluid. Nothing is definite until it actually happens. Small things that happen now can make bigger changes in the future. You cannot, however hard you try to, predefine your future. It will happen the way it was meant to. Well that is how I perceived the storyline and I can only guess what might happen in the future. But as long as I make those little differences in my life now, then I hope that it will make the bigger difference somewhere down the line of my future.
With that, I hope that makes a difference to the people around me in some way, and makes life better for them too.
Until the next post as my saying seems to go...
I got home tonight to an empty house as she/they (assuming that her daughter is still staying here) are out. I thought about what it be like in just over a weeks time when I should have the keys to my newly rented flat. Opening up the door to another new life. Closing the door behind me and hopefully my troubles.
I will not have to worry about the things she says and does any longer.
She will have nothing to do with me any more. I wont have to listen to her lies.
I wont have to watch her being so smug about everything. I hope she is happy the way she wants to live. Because I know at least that I still have some morals and I have my dignity. I have kindness and friendship to give to those who seek it and in return I hope that people will show and offer me the same. I have to take hold of the opportunity I have been given to make things happen for me and find new challenges. I know I have to go looking for these things as they will not come to me. I have to make the changes now or I fear I will fall back into my dark world of unhappiness and loneliness. I have to believe in myself more that I have done in the past, and more so now than ever. I know I am a good man and I hope that people will see that in me. I can only be me though. I cannot, like some certain individuals, be somebody I am not. I am not going to live a lie that's for sure. I've been watching someone do that for a year now and I am glad, yes I said it... I am glad that it is over.
I watched a programme on the television tonight. Its a series called Medium about a woman who basically sees things that have happened or are about to happen and uses this information as part of her job in the District Attorneys office. Tonight there was a part where she quoted that the future is fluid. Nothing is definite until it actually happens. Small things that happen now can make bigger changes in the future. You cannot, however hard you try to, predefine your future. It will happen the way it was meant to. Well that is how I perceived the storyline and I can only guess what might happen in the future. But as long as I make those little differences in my life now, then I hope that it will make the bigger difference somewhere down the line of my future.
With that, I hope that makes a difference to the people around me in some way, and makes life better for them too.
Until the next post as my saying seems to go...
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
Life Lines
Things happen for a reason. What goes around comes around. I've heard so many sayings Ive lost count of how many I have heard quoted. There is probably some truth in them and I hope that some more so than others.
Since my last post its not been too bad in the household. She has done her usual job of ignoring me, but then suddenly talking to me like nothing had happened... just for a few moments mind. Then back to her normal ignorant self. I have given up on trying to work her out. She brings her daughter into the house to stay the other night as she was visiting her boyfriend who lives local.
I got ignored earlier in the day. I questioned it and got told, 'Perhaps she is embarrassed!'. Hang on a mo, embarrassed by me? Surely we should be talking about you, her mother here. Oh, sorry, almost forgot you probably haven't told her every detail of our break up have you? So I find out a bit later when they come home from being out she is staying the night. Well I don't honestly mind. But it would have been nice if I had at least been told about it, but no. And what sort of a woman would bring someone into the house when all this is going on between us? Well as I said before, she is carrying on as if I never existed. Not a care in the world. And to top it all off she has her daughter staying again this evening. I really don't know how she can carry on like this. Am I the only one to see it, well obviously I suppose I am. Maybe her daughter doesn't care, maybe she does but I'm not bothered that she is staying. She is a good girl and has always been respectful while here. I'm just upset that she has been allowed to come into this household while things are the way they are. God knows what she must think of me?
I had a good day of sorts today. I got out of the house and onto a bus to take my paperwork into the letting agents. I have a date set for moving on the 16th April. I managed to get a couple of holiday days booked at short notice too so I will have three days to get moved in and the place sorted. Not forgetting the cat either. He wont be too happy but as long as there are familiar things around him with familiar smells, some nice warm spots for him to lay down he will settle quite quickly.
So now I have find a good company to move my stuff. A man with a van. I just hope I will find one that can move me at this short notice. I don't have a great deal of stuff to take with me.... erm, Ok I might have more stuff than I realise but I'm not leaving it for her. If its mine its going? Is that wrong of me to think like that? Nah, if I don't want it eBay will be seeing a lot more of me in the near future.
I got a call from the surgery today. A counsellor which was arranged with my Doctor. Its supposedly 6 sessions but I cant go to them. I need to be working and they only do Tuesdays. So there is me trying to get help but to do so I will have to lose some hours work. I will look at my work rosta tomorrow to see if I can juggle things but I don't know that I will manage that. To be honest the way I felt a week ago... well I don't need to explain if you have read through or have been following my previous posts. I feel different and I think its the AD's that are working.
I still obviously feel something as she still is getting to me but its more anger than anything. Actually I'm not sure how I feel in general. Tired, lonely, a little frustrated and anxious. Those are some of the things I feel. I am changing, part of me has gone forever because I feel something inside me is missing. Maybe its not missing for good, just a little lost amongst the debris of my torn apart life.
There are a couple of good things that have happened in the form of two sisters. I have known of them for a while but never really spoken to either of them until the last few days. They have been most supportive and understanding towards me. They both have their own fair share of problems I guess but they still manage to put aside those issues to speak to me with kindness and dignity. Two new friends found indeed.
So its lists of things to do, man with van to be found, stuff to be organised, things to be dismantled, items to be packed. I can safely say that's my weekend fully booked.
Before I finish this post, I want to say something else. When all the problems hit me a few weeks ago and what now seems like ages, I was hopelessly out of my depth. I didn't know where I was heading or where to turn to. I saw everything I had to live for ebbing away from me. I saw no lifeline.
But then it happened. My true friends were there when I needed them the most. They gave me support, hope and guidance. I would not have seen my way through this short but rocky journey without them. Even a total stranger through the power of this blog I started writing came to my aid. It gives me renewed faith in people, in the knowledge that there is always someone to turn to in moments of despair. I want to personally thank each and every one of those people for the love and support they showed me over what has got to be the most difficult days in my life.
I hope that if the time comes, I can be there for each and every one of those people and give as much strength and support that they have shown me. They have been good friends indeed, and I truly am glad they were there for me when I needed them the most. You all know who you are.
Til the next post...
Since my last post its not been too bad in the household. She has done her usual job of ignoring me, but then suddenly talking to me like nothing had happened... just for a few moments mind. Then back to her normal ignorant self. I have given up on trying to work her out. She brings her daughter into the house to stay the other night as she was visiting her boyfriend who lives local.
I got ignored earlier in the day. I questioned it and got told, 'Perhaps she is embarrassed!'. Hang on a mo, embarrassed by me? Surely we should be talking about you, her mother here. Oh, sorry, almost forgot you probably haven't told her every detail of our break up have you? So I find out a bit later when they come home from being out she is staying the night. Well I don't honestly mind. But it would have been nice if I had at least been told about it, but no. And what sort of a woman would bring someone into the house when all this is going on between us? Well as I said before, she is carrying on as if I never existed. Not a care in the world. And to top it all off she has her daughter staying again this evening. I really don't know how she can carry on like this. Am I the only one to see it, well obviously I suppose I am. Maybe her daughter doesn't care, maybe she does but I'm not bothered that she is staying. She is a good girl and has always been respectful while here. I'm just upset that she has been allowed to come into this household while things are the way they are. God knows what she must think of me?
I had a good day of sorts today. I got out of the house and onto a bus to take my paperwork into the letting agents. I have a date set for moving on the 16th April. I managed to get a couple of holiday days booked at short notice too so I will have three days to get moved in and the place sorted. Not forgetting the cat either. He wont be too happy but as long as there are familiar things around him with familiar smells, some nice warm spots for him to lay down he will settle quite quickly.
So now I have find a good company to move my stuff. A man with a van. I just hope I will find one that can move me at this short notice. I don't have a great deal of stuff to take with me.... erm, Ok I might have more stuff than I realise but I'm not leaving it for her. If its mine its going? Is that wrong of me to think like that? Nah, if I don't want it eBay will be seeing a lot more of me in the near future.
I got a call from the surgery today. A counsellor which was arranged with my Doctor. Its supposedly 6 sessions but I cant go to them. I need to be working and they only do Tuesdays. So there is me trying to get help but to do so I will have to lose some hours work. I will look at my work rosta tomorrow to see if I can juggle things but I don't know that I will manage that. To be honest the way I felt a week ago... well I don't need to explain if you have read through or have been following my previous posts. I feel different and I think its the AD's that are working.
I still obviously feel something as she still is getting to me but its more anger than anything. Actually I'm not sure how I feel in general. Tired, lonely, a little frustrated and anxious. Those are some of the things I feel. I am changing, part of me has gone forever because I feel something inside me is missing. Maybe its not missing for good, just a little lost amongst the debris of my torn apart life.
There are a couple of good things that have happened in the form of two sisters. I have known of them for a while but never really spoken to either of them until the last few days. They have been most supportive and understanding towards me. They both have their own fair share of problems I guess but they still manage to put aside those issues to speak to me with kindness and dignity. Two new friends found indeed.
So its lists of things to do, man with van to be found, stuff to be organised, things to be dismantled, items to be packed. I can safely say that's my weekend fully booked.
Before I finish this post, I want to say something else. When all the problems hit me a few weeks ago and what now seems like ages, I was hopelessly out of my depth. I didn't know where I was heading or where to turn to. I saw everything I had to live for ebbing away from me. I saw no lifeline.
But then it happened. My true friends were there when I needed them the most. They gave me support, hope and guidance. I would not have seen my way through this short but rocky journey without them. Even a total stranger through the power of this blog I started writing came to my aid. It gives me renewed faith in people, in the knowledge that there is always someone to turn to in moments of despair. I want to personally thank each and every one of those people for the love and support they showed me over what has got to be the most difficult days in my life.
I hope that if the time comes, I can be there for each and every one of those people and give as much strength and support that they have shown me. They have been good friends indeed, and I truly am glad they were there for me when I needed them the most. You all know who you are.
Til the next post...
Saturday, 3 April 2010
Faithful Alongside
I returned back to work yesterday (Friday) but it was a bit of a bumpy start.
I sat down in my 'little' office and I had trouble holding my emotions back and I unashamedly admit to crying. Luckily nobody saw me and I got around it quite quickly, with the help of a quick call to a dear friend who gives the best pep talks. The day returned to normal pretty quickly. I was asked by several people if I had a good holiday, and I actually found it quite easy to say, 'no, she broke off our engagement and relationship without word of warning'. Words to those effect anyway. People dot really know what to say, some seem shocked and I guess some are genuinely so but once you have turned around they carry on and its all forgotten.
I did actually get a hug unexpectedly from one of the staff who had realised something was going on but wasn't quite sure what, so I explained to her.
She threatened to go around and smack her about a bit. I think she probably would have done too but I declined the offer. I think if I had wanted that to happen I probably would have done it myself by now. But that was the event of the day and I went on through the same old boring routine.
When I got home she had packed the cd collection away, mine and hers separately of course although I did have to grab some that were mine that she had. I don't think it was intentional on this occasion. But now it seems there is a crisis, and all of a sudden she expects me to let her have items that are mine. Now under normal circumstances I would have said I was OK about it. I probably cant fit that or don't need it. But why the hell should I be pandering to her needs all of a sudden. If she wants a couple of beside cabinets, go and effing buy some. OK, so there is one staying in the flat when I move in. What about it, I want the pair I bought. I have a brand new washing machine and fridge freezer that have been standing unused since we moved in here because I had bought them just before we moved. I want to take the washing machine but there is already one in the flat. I'm hoping I can take mine and get them to take their one out as mine dries too, handy for the winter. But she wants them, she offered to pay me for them. I don't really see why, she is going to be better off than me full stop. She can afford to go out, have fun, do what she likes really. Me, oh I'm just having to struggle to come to terms with everything she has done to me, the fact that I will be extremely hard up and have little spare money, if any, to do any damn things if there was anything I could damn well do anyway. She isn't getting anything of mine, because If I move again in say a year or two, I want to have stuff of mine, that I can take. If she gets it, I will have nothing and that will be me shelling out again. Simple answer dear... GO TO HELL!
Oh, I found out she got a new phone, a contract phone to talk to someone who she speaks to a lot as he lives in Somerset so she tells me. Strange that when she was with me she refused a contract phone saying they were a waste of money and she didn't need it. Again a show of her two facedness. Obviously she has money to spend on that, so she has money to buy furniture, that's what she would say to me if it was the other way around.
Worked again today (Saturday). I cant talk about my work because of the nature of the job I do. But lets just say I hate it and will be adding it to my list of priorities to do something about. Ive been working for the same crap company for 5 plus years now and it doesn't help in any way with my depression. Actually it doesn't do much good for my health either. But that's all another story as I said I cant tell.
I got home and she had cooked a pasta bake. Well I have cooked for her a couple of times. But she told me she was going out. Another guy, going to Southampton to see a Who tribute act. She was waiting to be picked up. She cant understand why I get upset about it all. I pointed out to her that she is doing all the things that we could have been doing together. And the fact that she can afford to be going out here there and everywhere, while I haven't got a fucking penny to my name. I'd love to be able at least to afford to be going out and about. But no, she has seen to that. She is just rubbing my nose in it, and she loves every minute of it. I caught her unawares on her phone before she went out and obviously the way she shied away that it was the fellow of the moment. When she came back down I said outright, 'Why don't you invite the bloke in for a nice cup of coffee when you get home eh?' Her response which almost made me laugh was,'I wouldn't do that, I'm not THAT evil a person'. Erm, excuse me, YES you fucking well are. You have been evil since you started this sorry set of events. You have shown no emotion, not a care in the world whatsoever. You have loved every minute of what you have been doing to me ever since that nice big broad smile you gave while you told me you had been shagging some bloke the first night you met two weeks prior to ending our relationship. You are evil, not the person I loved so much and for the reason I still hurt so much today. But then what did you do next tonight. Aaaah, you told me this person didn't know where you lived. Hmmm, funny how that car came past without stopping, beeping the horn several times. Nothing to do with you you say when I mentioned it just as you hurried out the door. I watched you go up through the alleyway where this bloke gave you a kiss before you walked out of view. Funny how he knew where you was coming from isn't it. Please, I am not fucking stupid you know. Only for being made a mug of for the last year.
Well, it makes no odds I guess. I will be out of your life... no I will rephrase that. YOU will be out of my life very soon and you know what, yes I will have problems adjusting to the loneliness, the lack of finances etc etc. But there's one thing I will have that you don't. Dignity. My dignity. Something you lost very quickly in my eyes but then maybe you have been missing that a while I'm not sure. Its gone for you now anyway. You can strut yourself about like the madam you want to be, and there will be people who don't know the real you. But they will watch you, and they will see you, and they will make their judgement on you. I just hope non get taken in by you like I did. For their sakes.
Phew, that was an amazing flurry of expression coming out of me. And I meant every word of it too. Maybe the AD's are kicking in. Actually saying that I have been a bit shaky the last day or two since starting them. I feel like I have the trembles, which I probably do. I will give them a week as they need to kick in. I can feel a 'sugar coating shell' around me, its probably the tabs doing it.
I have a day off as its Easter Sunday. I was hoping to see my long lost cousin but she has taken ill so cant visit which is a shame. She has quite a serious op happening in a few days time so I wish her all the best with that and hope everything works out fine for her. She is a good sport and understands quite a lot about our disfunctional family as we call it. We always end up laughing about how non of us talk and who has done what. There is enough material to write a book I reckon. Well I'd buy a copy... even if it was only to wedge the back door open on a warm day. Well I wouldn't read it would I?
So I don't quite know what I am going to do. There should be a few event on somewhere nearby, but I quite fancy walking along to the Canoe Lake which is nearby to the Seafront. There are usually a few model boat buffs testing out their various sails and battleships on the water there. I've not had a close look so might able along with my camera to see if there are any interesting shots to be taken. I'm always good at finding something to photograph. One thing I know I am good at and keeps me relatively quiet for a while.
Well, for anyone who happens upon this blog, and those who already read it, have, or I hope you have a great Easter and may everything in your life be of happy things. I hope you feel loved, wanted, warm in the knowledge that you have someone faithful alongside you. Someone you can hold hands with and feel young inside. Enjoy your every moment of whatever it is that you do, and remember it for a long time. Let those memories bring a smile to your face, and let the love you have for each other make your heart flutter even when they are not with you.
Goodnight, until the next post.
I sat down in my 'little' office and I had trouble holding my emotions back and I unashamedly admit to crying. Luckily nobody saw me and I got around it quite quickly, with the help of a quick call to a dear friend who gives the best pep talks. The day returned to normal pretty quickly. I was asked by several people if I had a good holiday, and I actually found it quite easy to say, 'no, she broke off our engagement and relationship without word of warning'. Words to those effect anyway. People dot really know what to say, some seem shocked and I guess some are genuinely so but once you have turned around they carry on and its all forgotten.
I did actually get a hug unexpectedly from one of the staff who had realised something was going on but wasn't quite sure what, so I explained to her.
She threatened to go around and smack her about a bit. I think she probably would have done too but I declined the offer. I think if I had wanted that to happen I probably would have done it myself by now. But that was the event of the day and I went on through the same old boring routine.
When I got home she had packed the cd collection away, mine and hers separately of course although I did have to grab some that were mine that she had. I don't think it was intentional on this occasion. But now it seems there is a crisis, and all of a sudden she expects me to let her have items that are mine. Now under normal circumstances I would have said I was OK about it. I probably cant fit that or don't need it. But why the hell should I be pandering to her needs all of a sudden. If she wants a couple of beside cabinets, go and effing buy some. OK, so there is one staying in the flat when I move in. What about it, I want the pair I bought. I have a brand new washing machine and fridge freezer that have been standing unused since we moved in here because I had bought them just before we moved. I want to take the washing machine but there is already one in the flat. I'm hoping I can take mine and get them to take their one out as mine dries too, handy for the winter. But she wants them, she offered to pay me for them. I don't really see why, she is going to be better off than me full stop. She can afford to go out, have fun, do what she likes really. Me, oh I'm just having to struggle to come to terms with everything she has done to me, the fact that I will be extremely hard up and have little spare money, if any, to do any damn things if there was anything I could damn well do anyway. She isn't getting anything of mine, because If I move again in say a year or two, I want to have stuff of mine, that I can take. If she gets it, I will have nothing and that will be me shelling out again. Simple answer dear... GO TO HELL!
Oh, I found out she got a new phone, a contract phone to talk to someone who she speaks to a lot as he lives in Somerset so she tells me. Strange that when she was with me she refused a contract phone saying they were a waste of money and she didn't need it. Again a show of her two facedness. Obviously she has money to spend on that, so she has money to buy furniture, that's what she would say to me if it was the other way around.
Worked again today (Saturday). I cant talk about my work because of the nature of the job I do. But lets just say I hate it and will be adding it to my list of priorities to do something about. Ive been working for the same crap company for 5 plus years now and it doesn't help in any way with my depression. Actually it doesn't do much good for my health either. But that's all another story as I said I cant tell.
I got home and she had cooked a pasta bake. Well I have cooked for her a couple of times. But she told me she was going out. Another guy, going to Southampton to see a Who tribute act. She was waiting to be picked up. She cant understand why I get upset about it all. I pointed out to her that she is doing all the things that we could have been doing together. And the fact that she can afford to be going out here there and everywhere, while I haven't got a fucking penny to my name. I'd love to be able at least to afford to be going out and about. But no, she has seen to that. She is just rubbing my nose in it, and she loves every minute of it. I caught her unawares on her phone before she went out and obviously the way she shied away that it was the fellow of the moment. When she came back down I said outright, 'Why don't you invite the bloke in for a nice cup of coffee when you get home eh?' Her response which almost made me laugh was,'I wouldn't do that, I'm not THAT evil a person'. Erm, excuse me, YES you fucking well are. You have been evil since you started this sorry set of events. You have shown no emotion, not a care in the world whatsoever. You have loved every minute of what you have been doing to me ever since that nice big broad smile you gave while you told me you had been shagging some bloke the first night you met two weeks prior to ending our relationship. You are evil, not the person I loved so much and for the reason I still hurt so much today. But then what did you do next tonight. Aaaah, you told me this person didn't know where you lived. Hmmm, funny how that car came past without stopping, beeping the horn several times. Nothing to do with you you say when I mentioned it just as you hurried out the door. I watched you go up through the alleyway where this bloke gave you a kiss before you walked out of view. Funny how he knew where you was coming from isn't it. Please, I am not fucking stupid you know. Only for being made a mug of for the last year.
Well, it makes no odds I guess. I will be out of your life... no I will rephrase that. YOU will be out of my life very soon and you know what, yes I will have problems adjusting to the loneliness, the lack of finances etc etc. But there's one thing I will have that you don't. Dignity. My dignity. Something you lost very quickly in my eyes but then maybe you have been missing that a while I'm not sure. Its gone for you now anyway. You can strut yourself about like the madam you want to be, and there will be people who don't know the real you. But they will watch you, and they will see you, and they will make their judgement on you. I just hope non get taken in by you like I did. For their sakes.
Phew, that was an amazing flurry of expression coming out of me. And I meant every word of it too. Maybe the AD's are kicking in. Actually saying that I have been a bit shaky the last day or two since starting them. I feel like I have the trembles, which I probably do. I will give them a week as they need to kick in. I can feel a 'sugar coating shell' around me, its probably the tabs doing it.
I have a day off as its Easter Sunday. I was hoping to see my long lost cousin but she has taken ill so cant visit which is a shame. She has quite a serious op happening in a few days time so I wish her all the best with that and hope everything works out fine for her. She is a good sport and understands quite a lot about our disfunctional family as we call it. We always end up laughing about how non of us talk and who has done what. There is enough material to write a book I reckon. Well I'd buy a copy... even if it was only to wedge the back door open on a warm day. Well I wouldn't read it would I?
So I don't quite know what I am going to do. There should be a few event on somewhere nearby, but I quite fancy walking along to the Canoe Lake which is nearby to the Seafront. There are usually a few model boat buffs testing out their various sails and battleships on the water there. I've not had a close look so might able along with my camera to see if there are any interesting shots to be taken. I'm always good at finding something to photograph. One thing I know I am good at and keeps me relatively quiet for a while.
Well, for anyone who happens upon this blog, and those who already read it, have, or I hope you have a great Easter and may everything in your life be of happy things. I hope you feel loved, wanted, warm in the knowledge that you have someone faithful alongside you. Someone you can hold hands with and feel young inside. Enjoy your every moment of whatever it is that you do, and remember it for a long time. Let those memories bring a smile to your face, and let the love you have for each other make your heart flutter even when they are not with you.
Goodnight, until the next post.
Friday, 2 April 2010
Hopefully
She turned up this afternoon at about halp past three. She made her excuses.
I should get it into my thick head that she doesnt care about me or anything that I do. Ok she has made that quite obvious, but I just wish she could wait til I am out of this house and out of her life. Its still going to hurt me a whole lot more but once its done its done. Actually I wish she would fuck off right out of the area but shes not going to do that is she and I dare say she will be Miss Popular with everyone around her. I noticed a line she put on her Facebook account today saying that she is in love. My question is, 'is it with herself?' Well if the case is that she is in love then I hope that whoever it is knows what they will be letting themselves in for. And why did she post it in the first place, in reality because she knows that I will see it. She knows I still hurt, but she also knows my mental state as well. Its like poking a stick into an open wound with her, Im sure it is. If I was treating her the same way as she is treating me Im sure someone would have stood up and said something by now. Well sooner of later someone she knows will stumble across this blog and probably tell her all about it. But before they do that I really hope they read from the start and see what I went through and think about how they would have been if it had been them. If she is reading this right now, I hope you take the time to look and perhaps really understand the hurt you caused me. I know Im not a strong person, but I know the right way and the wrong way, even if I do make mistakes from time to time. I certainly learned a lot from this one.
I have the paperwork from the Letting Agents ready to be filled out. I should hope to get that done Saturday evening. Its all pretty straight forward stuff and will take that back to them on Tuesday morning. Hopefully, fingers crossed they may give me a date I can move in from. Then it will be mad rush time but there is a little inkle inside of me (inkle... did I just make that up????) that is gradually breaking the mould and is making me feel better about moving. If you read a few lines back which I just did I used the word 'hopefully' which is probably the first time Ive use a positive sign recently.
Tonight I went out to the usual Thursday night venue. I walked with a friend there but he mingled with lots of other people as he is well known there. I expected that anyway. I stood near to the bar as it was a very crowded place for a change. Im not generally into crowds of more than 2 but I put all that aside and watched the performances. I enjoyed pretty much all of what I saw but it was getting late and I came home about 2330.
I have work tomorrow and it will be the first day back since my break up with her has happened. Im dreading the thought of people asking did I have a good holiday. But I will probably be quite blunt and say no actually I didnt, which is true. Im not going to lie... and I hope Im not going to cry. I get a lot of thinking time on this job that I do. As much as I hate it I need it more than ever now. But maybe a good reason to find new things, new challenges... there must be more for me to find out there that I can do.
Apologies for any typo's and errors tonight but Im not editing this. Im tired and I need to turn in. Tomorrow is here already and I want as much sleep as it will give me before 9am. Goodnight freinds, til the next post.
PS. To the person who once dreamed about 'scree' (and you know who you are), ask me cos I forgot to tell you I know why you dreamed about it.
I should get it into my thick head that she doesnt care about me or anything that I do. Ok she has made that quite obvious, but I just wish she could wait til I am out of this house and out of her life. Its still going to hurt me a whole lot more but once its done its done. Actually I wish she would fuck off right out of the area but shes not going to do that is she and I dare say she will be Miss Popular with everyone around her. I noticed a line she put on her Facebook account today saying that she is in love. My question is, 'is it with herself?' Well if the case is that she is in love then I hope that whoever it is knows what they will be letting themselves in for. And why did she post it in the first place, in reality because she knows that I will see it. She knows I still hurt, but she also knows my mental state as well. Its like poking a stick into an open wound with her, Im sure it is. If I was treating her the same way as she is treating me Im sure someone would have stood up and said something by now. Well sooner of later someone she knows will stumble across this blog and probably tell her all about it. But before they do that I really hope they read from the start and see what I went through and think about how they would have been if it had been them. If she is reading this right now, I hope you take the time to look and perhaps really understand the hurt you caused me. I know Im not a strong person, but I know the right way and the wrong way, even if I do make mistakes from time to time. I certainly learned a lot from this one.
I have the paperwork from the Letting Agents ready to be filled out. I should hope to get that done Saturday evening. Its all pretty straight forward stuff and will take that back to them on Tuesday morning. Hopefully, fingers crossed they may give me a date I can move in from. Then it will be mad rush time but there is a little inkle inside of me (inkle... did I just make that up????) that is gradually breaking the mould and is making me feel better about moving. If you read a few lines back which I just did I used the word 'hopefully' which is probably the first time Ive use a positive sign recently.
Tonight I went out to the usual Thursday night venue. I walked with a friend there but he mingled with lots of other people as he is well known there. I expected that anyway. I stood near to the bar as it was a very crowded place for a change. Im not generally into crowds of more than 2 but I put all that aside and watched the performances. I enjoyed pretty much all of what I saw but it was getting late and I came home about 2330.
I have work tomorrow and it will be the first day back since my break up with her has happened. Im dreading the thought of people asking did I have a good holiday. But I will probably be quite blunt and say no actually I didnt, which is true. Im not going to lie... and I hope Im not going to cry. I get a lot of thinking time on this job that I do. As much as I hate it I need it more than ever now. But maybe a good reason to find new things, new challenges... there must be more for me to find out there that I can do.
Apologies for any typo's and errors tonight but Im not editing this. Im tired and I need to turn in. Tomorrow is here already and I want as much sleep as it will give me before 9am. Goodnight freinds, til the next post.
PS. To the person who once dreamed about 'scree' (and you know who you are), ask me cos I forgot to tell you I know why you dreamed about it.
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