Its been a negative day for me today, and my world is pretty much in black and white at the moment. I have lost all colour in my life it seems. Ive lost the will to do anything and no matter how I try, I find something else not to do and not do it. Im tired and irritable. I'm not sleeping properly and Im staying awake til the early hours, even though Im knackered. I know why Im doing it to myself too and I told the doctor this today. Its because I dont want to have to wake up and see the new day. I dont mean that in a suicidal way before you think it. Just another day where I am going to worry, stress, get more depressed. I can feel myself withdrawing into my shell again, a way I was a few years back and its not a nice place to be. I should just be able to shake these feelings off and just get on with life, but who is good at taking their own advice?
She has not been home at all today, but why am I bothered. She has made her views known, she has stated the facts. I miss being with her, for what its worth. She has been my best friend as well as my whole life for over a year. We fell into each other at lightening speed when we met up for the first time, but for me at least everything felt so right. I have, had never felt love so strong with anyone as I did with her. So she is out, with other people doing the things we could have been doing together. All the things we were going to do, the places we were going to go, the things we were going to see. All gone now, for me. She doesnt care, and I doubt that she even thinks about the way I actually feel. Even on her facebook people are wishing her the best of luck in her new home hunting. All these people she knows, and I wonder how much they would really think of this wonderful person if they knew what she has done to me, how she has ripped my life apart in such a single brutal way. Not to mention the... no, her reasons for doing it. Im thinking it should me who is actually the lucky one. Its a shame I found out the hard way I know, but to find out the one who I have loved for so long was never the person I thought she was. Im still hurting now, it feels like forever although deep down I know things will get better once I have moved. Well, they might not get better but hopefully they wont get any worse and I will be able to concentrate on my life without her.
As you may have gathered I went to the see the Doctor today, a scheduled appointment relating to the anti-depressants I am currently on. He knew a little of what was going on as he had read the previous notes left by the another doctor. He impressed me a little because he remembered some of the stuff we had discussed when we, being me and her, met him for the first time. He asked me some inevitable questions about what had happened and as soon as I started talking, thinking, remembering, ...the tears came back. I relived it all again in seconds, every moment, every thought and fear.
He asked me if I had people I could talk to like family. My disfunctional family is not an option although my Mum has been incredibly supportive towards me, which came as a bit of a surprise. I think it came as a shock to her when she heard the news but she also knew how much I was in love. I dont have any friends to me locally apart from some people who are also close friends of hers. I think it has made life awkward for them and to be honest, they have never contacted me to see if I am ok. Thats likely because they are busy doing their own things. The good friends I have that I can talk to live some distance away. I know they are on the end of a telephone line and I can call them anytime for a chat, but even though I feel down I sometimes feel that I am being a nuisance so dont call them. Anyway, the doctor did ask me if it would help if I talked to someone and I managed to get the 'yes' out. I know he is referring me to someone but Im not sure who. I hope that they will be able to help me get everything out of my system and start afresh. Here's hoping.
As for the day as a whole, Ive been stuck indoors. I had plans on going for a walk but couldn't face going out the door. So it looks like Im back to square one at the moment, back to my old ways but for a new set of reasons. So I sat at my pc, and made numerous cups of tea. Ive never drunk so much tea in my life.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring? Roll on the next post.
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Monday, 29 March 2010
A Place Called Home
Today it turned out to be an interesting one. I found myself somewhere to live.
A new place I can call home I hope. We both went to have a look and turned up a little early to have a gander at the surroundings. Courtyards were clean and tidy, everything about the immediate area of the flats was good. The lady from the estate agent turned up running a little behind but at least we had been phoned in advance and told.
We went in and up the one flight of stairs to the front door. It was opened and we all walked in. Now in comparison to the other places I had seen this was a palace. Its not that big, but its not small either. Laminate flooring throughout, nice kitchen, bedroom and bathroom too. I was thinking that I should take the opportunity while its still there. The only thing on my mind was that its further from work, in fact about twice as far as it is at the moment. Having had a good look around I decided that the other properties that are nearer might not have been so good but at least they would be more convenient for work etc. So we left and walked back in the rain, my mind whirring the same thought over and over again. If I wait a day will I lose this well advertised place to somebody else? Well while walking back I suggested we take a look at one of the places I was supposed to have been viewing tomorrow. It was a purpose built 2 bedroomed flat just around the corner from where I am living at the moment. We got there and looked about the outside of the buildings. First off the flat being on the ground floor was to the side of a pizza shop which is open into the early hours and they do deliveries too. That means that doors from the delivery drivers cars would be slam slam slam all night long. There was a considerate amount of grafitti around too. Air conditioning units to the shops... more noise. What finally finished this for me was the polite/police notice in the entrance doorway explaining how anti-social behaviour was not tolerated in the vicinity of the flats.
It was dawning on me that I wasn't going to get anywhere as good as the place I had just seen. It might be further out than I was hoping for but it was the better of the options. I called and told the Letting Agents that I would take this place on.
I think I can be happy there but I dont think it will be plain sailing. My mental state of mind still is nowhere near 100% and I will have my down days.
But then I shall have one less person to worry about in my life. The one cut I have to make amongst the thousands she hit me with almost two weeks ago.
My mind still drifts to those events. I feel ill when I think about it. I will still miss her when I have gone. I miss her now, her warmth next to me, her kisses, her cuddles, her holding hands with me. I miss all that. But that was not obviously enough for her and meant very little to her. I was making her dinner tonight when she said, 'I'm going upstairs to make a phone call.' Yes another call to another male. From what she told me it was a different one so I guess that what she went to the internet cafe for yesterday, to gather her emails and messages. All this plays with my mind, and its not fair. Not fair that I should have to live with any of this or ever have had to. But life isnt always fair as they say. Time to move on and thats hopefully whats going to happen when I am settled into my new home. Im already worrying, money worries mainly.
Can I afford this and that. Lots of 'what if's' are bouncing around in my head too. I feel almost swamped by it all.
Tomorrow a few calls to cancel the viewings I no longer require. Also an engineer supposedly calling to replace the internals of my pc. That I will have to wait and see about. The only other things is the obvious one... start packing. Two weeks is not far off at all.
Well this post turned out somewhat short and sweet. Mainly because I am tired. Im still not sleeping too well and Im already worrying about returing to work on Friday. I have a checkup with the doctor before that mainly for the AD's I am on but I will discuss that with him while I am there.
So until the next post... as per my usual ending, TTFN.
A new place I can call home I hope. We both went to have a look and turned up a little early to have a gander at the surroundings. Courtyards were clean and tidy, everything about the immediate area of the flats was good. The lady from the estate agent turned up running a little behind but at least we had been phoned in advance and told.
We went in and up the one flight of stairs to the front door. It was opened and we all walked in. Now in comparison to the other places I had seen this was a palace. Its not that big, but its not small either. Laminate flooring throughout, nice kitchen, bedroom and bathroom too. I was thinking that I should take the opportunity while its still there. The only thing on my mind was that its further from work, in fact about twice as far as it is at the moment. Having had a good look around I decided that the other properties that are nearer might not have been so good but at least they would be more convenient for work etc. So we left and walked back in the rain, my mind whirring the same thought over and over again. If I wait a day will I lose this well advertised place to somebody else? Well while walking back I suggested we take a look at one of the places I was supposed to have been viewing tomorrow. It was a purpose built 2 bedroomed flat just around the corner from where I am living at the moment. We got there and looked about the outside of the buildings. First off the flat being on the ground floor was to the side of a pizza shop which is open into the early hours and they do deliveries too. That means that doors from the delivery drivers cars would be slam slam slam all night long. There was a considerate amount of grafitti around too. Air conditioning units to the shops... more noise. What finally finished this for me was the polite/police notice in the entrance doorway explaining how anti-social behaviour was not tolerated in the vicinity of the flats.
It was dawning on me that I wasn't going to get anywhere as good as the place I had just seen. It might be further out than I was hoping for but it was the better of the options. I called and told the Letting Agents that I would take this place on.
I think I can be happy there but I dont think it will be plain sailing. My mental state of mind still is nowhere near 100% and I will have my down days.
But then I shall have one less person to worry about in my life. The one cut I have to make amongst the thousands she hit me with almost two weeks ago.
My mind still drifts to those events. I feel ill when I think about it. I will still miss her when I have gone. I miss her now, her warmth next to me, her kisses, her cuddles, her holding hands with me. I miss all that. But that was not obviously enough for her and meant very little to her. I was making her dinner tonight when she said, 'I'm going upstairs to make a phone call.' Yes another call to another male. From what she told me it was a different one so I guess that what she went to the internet cafe for yesterday, to gather her emails and messages. All this plays with my mind, and its not fair. Not fair that I should have to live with any of this or ever have had to. But life isnt always fair as they say. Time to move on and thats hopefully whats going to happen when I am settled into my new home. Im already worrying, money worries mainly.
Can I afford this and that. Lots of 'what if's' are bouncing around in my head too. I feel almost swamped by it all.
Tomorrow a few calls to cancel the viewings I no longer require. Also an engineer supposedly calling to replace the internals of my pc. That I will have to wait and see about. The only other things is the obvious one... start packing. Two weeks is not far off at all.
Well this post turned out somewhat short and sweet. Mainly because I am tired. Im still not sleeping too well and Im already worrying about returing to work on Friday. I have a checkup with the doctor before that mainly for the AD's I am on but I will discuss that with him while I am there.
So until the next post... as per my usual ending, TTFN.
I can and I will.
The weekend has gone by quickly, and pretty uneventful it was too.
She has been ok with me for the last few days which I guess in some way is good but as much as she has hurt me I sometimes wish I could turn back the clock to the way we were. But then that was before I knew what was going on and I wouldnt want to relive any of that.
She is househunting and I am flat hunting. I asked her if she would come and look at prospective flats with me because one thing she is good at is spotting potential problems. Pretty much like the first place I went to view, a ground floor flat with garden converted from a house. It was in so much need of renovation and repair it was a joke. There was no heating at all and it was just so dreary it was pretty much a no from the start. Not mentioning that the bathroom was basically a walk in cupboard with a shower, part of which was being held up with a bit of string. They were asking £550 a month for this.
I commented to the agent showing us around that I might have considered it at a hundred less. He responded with, 'At a hundred less I still wouldnt bother!'. Great, I thought, this is coming from the agent himself who is trying to help me. Minus points there but a few added for his honesty. While still out I got another call to visit another 1 bedroom flat. We were only a few minutes walk away so got there and was greeted by a snobby little 19 going on 12 year old girl, who was more a monitor at school than she was an agent.
So first we walked down into a 'cobbled yard' edged with cages and crap from the local shops. The girl asked us to look beyond the mess inside. She opened up the door and we walked in... the first thing we should have done was walked right out again. The place was a tip, strewn with just about everything imaginable. The work surfaces to the kitchen area was littered with beer bottles and god knows what and it stank to high heaven. I have a limited sense of smell but I was almost overpowered by it. It was a no. That place was supposedly going to be ready to move in a weeks time. It would take longer than that to clear and defumigate the place.
I have some more prospective places to look at in the coming few days so I will see what they are like.
So about her, well mostly about me I suppose. She is as you may have gathered, talking to me. Its not the easiest of situations but at least its not volatile.
She is still coming and going about her own business but from what I can tell, and perhaps the lack of her availablity to the internet, things have slowed down for her. I get a feeling she has got her few contacts now and she will keep to those particular ones until she gets bored with them or visa versa.
Im still not happy with what she has done and I still do not know why she did what she did the way she did it. She has always been a bit of a drama queen if that is the way to describe it, but I just took it as one of her quirks of nature.
I saw a new and ugly side of her I had never seen before and it wasnt a nice to see. How someone can turn like that is beyond me. But I have to look at it as a lucky escape. I feel a whole lot better than I did a week and a half ago.
Im starting to pick up parts of my life again. Im not looking too far into the future at the moment but I know at least that I have a future. Once I have a new place to live I can settle down again and maybe find some new friendships locally.
All of my life I think there is one thing I have felt the most, and that is lonely.
I dont think I have said that before, not out loud and neither have I confessed that to anyone in any detail. But there it is in writing. Me... lonely.
As a child I had few friends and even as I was growing up through junior and secondary school my friends were limited. My adult life was much the same and I was I think, quite a withdrawn person.
My defining moment was the year I met a married woman.
Yes, I met a married woman and for 3 years, every Friday she would pick me up and we would drive anywhere that took our fancy. Sometimes we would stay in and do what comes naturally.
Even though I was in my mid 20's she was the woman who really showed me the world in more ways that I can remember. I loved her and I know she loved me. Three years was a long time for a relationship to work in those circumstances and in my mind it was time, by then to call it a day. I had been wondering if I was letting the world slip by me, other love interests which could have been coming past me but not seeing them purely because I was happy with a relationship that was not able to develop further. She had told me from the outset that she was never going to leave her husband and I lived with that. I broke up with her, by letter. No email, no sms.. in fact no internet in those days. I remember getting a reply letter a few days later which I kept for years before throwing it away. It wasn't a nasty hateful letter, it was the most warm and understanding letter one could ever be sent. She was a beautiful person in more ways than one and I still think of her from time to time, wondering what happened to her.
From that letter on I never heard from her again. Some might say why didnt I go and look her up. Its was not an option, it was another time in my life where I couldnt go back to. I wouldnt want to go back there either now.
I hope she is well and happy even after all the years that have passed.
So as I end my post for the day, I can think about where I am right now in my life. It hasnt come to an end, that is one thing I am certain of. I can now start to move on. I can start afresh and find things to do. I will make a list of to-do's and post them on here and share my experiences of the things I have done. My interests of photography, art, nature and music are all things I can and will participate in again. I will not allow life to pass me by without it noticing me.
I am here and I am going to stay and live my life, not just exist it.
I refuse to return to my days of old.
I am here... I AM HERE!
She has been ok with me for the last few days which I guess in some way is good but as much as she has hurt me I sometimes wish I could turn back the clock to the way we were. But then that was before I knew what was going on and I wouldnt want to relive any of that.
She is househunting and I am flat hunting. I asked her if she would come and look at prospective flats with me because one thing she is good at is spotting potential problems. Pretty much like the first place I went to view, a ground floor flat with garden converted from a house. It was in so much need of renovation and repair it was a joke. There was no heating at all and it was just so dreary it was pretty much a no from the start. Not mentioning that the bathroom was basically a walk in cupboard with a shower, part of which was being held up with a bit of string. They were asking £550 a month for this.
I commented to the agent showing us around that I might have considered it at a hundred less. He responded with, 'At a hundred less I still wouldnt bother!'. Great, I thought, this is coming from the agent himself who is trying to help me. Minus points there but a few added for his honesty. While still out I got another call to visit another 1 bedroom flat. We were only a few minutes walk away so got there and was greeted by a snobby little 19 going on 12 year old girl, who was more a monitor at school than she was an agent.
So first we walked down into a 'cobbled yard' edged with cages and crap from the local shops. The girl asked us to look beyond the mess inside. She opened up the door and we walked in... the first thing we should have done was walked right out again. The place was a tip, strewn with just about everything imaginable. The work surfaces to the kitchen area was littered with beer bottles and god knows what and it stank to high heaven. I have a limited sense of smell but I was almost overpowered by it. It was a no. That place was supposedly going to be ready to move in a weeks time. It would take longer than that to clear and defumigate the place.
I have some more prospective places to look at in the coming few days so I will see what they are like.
So about her, well mostly about me I suppose. She is as you may have gathered, talking to me. Its not the easiest of situations but at least its not volatile.
She is still coming and going about her own business but from what I can tell, and perhaps the lack of her availablity to the internet, things have slowed down for her. I get a feeling she has got her few contacts now and she will keep to those particular ones until she gets bored with them or visa versa.
Im still not happy with what she has done and I still do not know why she did what she did the way she did it. She has always been a bit of a drama queen if that is the way to describe it, but I just took it as one of her quirks of nature.
I saw a new and ugly side of her I had never seen before and it wasnt a nice to see. How someone can turn like that is beyond me. But I have to look at it as a lucky escape. I feel a whole lot better than I did a week and a half ago.
Im starting to pick up parts of my life again. Im not looking too far into the future at the moment but I know at least that I have a future. Once I have a new place to live I can settle down again and maybe find some new friendships locally.
All of my life I think there is one thing I have felt the most, and that is lonely.
I dont think I have said that before, not out loud and neither have I confessed that to anyone in any detail. But there it is in writing. Me... lonely.
As a child I had few friends and even as I was growing up through junior and secondary school my friends were limited. My adult life was much the same and I was I think, quite a withdrawn person.
My defining moment was the year I met a married woman.
Yes, I met a married woman and for 3 years, every Friday she would pick me up and we would drive anywhere that took our fancy. Sometimes we would stay in and do what comes naturally.
Even though I was in my mid 20's she was the woman who really showed me the world in more ways that I can remember. I loved her and I know she loved me. Three years was a long time for a relationship to work in those circumstances and in my mind it was time, by then to call it a day. I had been wondering if I was letting the world slip by me, other love interests which could have been coming past me but not seeing them purely because I was happy with a relationship that was not able to develop further. She had told me from the outset that she was never going to leave her husband and I lived with that. I broke up with her, by letter. No email, no sms.. in fact no internet in those days. I remember getting a reply letter a few days later which I kept for years before throwing it away. It wasn't a nasty hateful letter, it was the most warm and understanding letter one could ever be sent. She was a beautiful person in more ways than one and I still think of her from time to time, wondering what happened to her.
From that letter on I never heard from her again. Some might say why didnt I go and look her up. Its was not an option, it was another time in my life where I couldnt go back to. I wouldnt want to go back there either now.
I hope she is well and happy even after all the years that have passed.
So as I end my post for the day, I can think about where I am right now in my life. It hasnt come to an end, that is one thing I am certain of. I can now start to move on. I can start afresh and find things to do. I will make a list of to-do's and post them on here and share my experiences of the things I have done. My interests of photography, art, nature and music are all things I can and will participate in again. I will not allow life to pass me by without it noticing me.
I am here and I am going to stay and live my life, not just exist it.
I refuse to return to my days of old.
I am here... I AM HERE!
Friday, 26 March 2010
Through the Barricades
Today was interesting. She came home at a reasonable time ready to make our way down to the letting agent to see what options there were and what we could do in our situations. Prior to leaving there was a bit of tit for tat between us. Some probably nonsense stuff but still stuff that although I don't need to hear, still ask for. My own fault entirely, but perhaps I am still looking for her to be truthful just once. For the most I feel I was quite calm and easy with her.
We caught the bus down to town, and went into the letting agents. We got straight into business, explaining the situation and getting help and advice.
To cut a long story short, I have a view of a property to rent on Saturday. I'm a little apprehensive about it. For reasons I will give later on, I know now that it will all be for my own good, because once I can close my own front door behind me she can do whatever she frigging well likes. I will talk about the property once I have seen it, so enough of that bit for now.
This evening as we both intended to go to the same pub/venue, we caught a cab together. Once we got there we seperated, she standing by the bar and myself sat quietly on the other side of the room.
Earlier in the day she had asked me what I had told certain people about our break up, and so I told her it was because I needed to talk to someone about my problems. She said she didnt talk to people about her problems. If that is the way she has to deal with her problems who am I to argue? At the same time though, if I hadn't have talked to someone I don't quite know what sort of state I would have been in today. Bearing in mind the flood of crap and mental torture she has given me over the past week I think I have done quite well. She said to me I shouldn't have told them everything that had been going on, but to be fair those people knew something was wrong well before I did that night, when earlier in the evening she had been caught out when she bumped into one of those very people with one of her blokes. She tells me it was the first one on the first night. Oh, and that's the night I had no idea where she was and had been ringing her friends worried out of my mind trying to find out if they knew where she might have been. Well one of them obviously knew, but I only found that out later as I previously have said. Everything she said and done after that was just additional. The fact is what she done was and still is unforgivable.
She left the pub earlier than usual tonight but did have the decency to say goodbye. I asked her if she was going home and she said yes. Well, I came home a couple of hours later and guess what. No sign of her being here. You know what I was thinking and although I shouldnt have been surprised by that fact, I called her and thanked her for lying to me yet again. I wasn't shouting while I did it, just a plain straightforward thank you for lying to me quote.
While I was typing this blog she got home and came at me saying 'Before you even start.....!. Well, she obviously knew what I was thinking and why shouldn't I? She told me she had got a bag of chips because she was hungry and then gone to another pub. What makes this funny for me is for months she has been saying how she doesnt drink anymore. Not that she ever drank a lot while I was with her anyway but she was adamant, and always got herself a soda water which in most pubs is free.
She said something to me and I didn't quite hear her so I went to find out what it was she had said. She was standing at the bottom of the stairs looking down on me and said that she didnt want to be having this conversation with me when she had had so many drinks. Southern Comfort and Coke to be precise, 5 in total. I dont care that she had been drinking, thats up to her but it was not her usual self and I dont quite know if she was sort of threatening me. With what? Maybe she was going to tell me some home truths. Maybe she was going to beat the shit out of me. I have no idea and no wish to know anything anymore.
A week has gone by now since all this has happened I feel like I am breaking through the barricades in my mind. I still feel slightly insecure, hurt, tired, empty and lonely. I know all of this will pass in good time but then I have always been one of lifes worriers. Admittedly I am not half as bad as I used to be many years ago, but sometimes it still creeps up on me when I least expect it to. I do have to learn to just hold my breath or bite my tongue a little longer while things slowly fall together now. But at least I feel I am now getting somewhere, starting to move on. Hopefully this weekend coming will give me a positive answer.
Friday is here now though. I have lists to make, plans to draw up... and a cat to cuddle. I'm thinking this poor cat of mine has been put through so much. He picks up so easily on what is going on around him and I know he doesnt understand, but he senses everything and it brings him down a few pegs and in turn makes him very unsettled indeed.
Time now for me to end my day... a little later than intended so until my next post, TTFN.
We caught the bus down to town, and went into the letting agents. We got straight into business, explaining the situation and getting help and advice.
To cut a long story short, I have a view of a property to rent on Saturday. I'm a little apprehensive about it. For reasons I will give later on, I know now that it will all be for my own good, because once I can close my own front door behind me she can do whatever she frigging well likes. I will talk about the property once I have seen it, so enough of that bit for now.
This evening as we both intended to go to the same pub/venue, we caught a cab together. Once we got there we seperated, she standing by the bar and myself sat quietly on the other side of the room.
Earlier in the day she had asked me what I had told certain people about our break up, and so I told her it was because I needed to talk to someone about my problems. She said she didnt talk to people about her problems. If that is the way she has to deal with her problems who am I to argue? At the same time though, if I hadn't have talked to someone I don't quite know what sort of state I would have been in today. Bearing in mind the flood of crap and mental torture she has given me over the past week I think I have done quite well. She said to me I shouldn't have told them everything that had been going on, but to be fair those people knew something was wrong well before I did that night, when earlier in the evening she had been caught out when she bumped into one of those very people with one of her blokes. She tells me it was the first one on the first night. Oh, and that's the night I had no idea where she was and had been ringing her friends worried out of my mind trying to find out if they knew where she might have been. Well one of them obviously knew, but I only found that out later as I previously have said. Everything she said and done after that was just additional. The fact is what she done was and still is unforgivable.
She left the pub earlier than usual tonight but did have the decency to say goodbye. I asked her if she was going home and she said yes. Well, I came home a couple of hours later and guess what. No sign of her being here. You know what I was thinking and although I shouldnt have been surprised by that fact, I called her and thanked her for lying to me yet again. I wasn't shouting while I did it, just a plain straightforward thank you for lying to me quote.
While I was typing this blog she got home and came at me saying 'Before you even start.....!. Well, she obviously knew what I was thinking and why shouldn't I? She told me she had got a bag of chips because she was hungry and then gone to another pub. What makes this funny for me is for months she has been saying how she doesnt drink anymore. Not that she ever drank a lot while I was with her anyway but she was adamant, and always got herself a soda water which in most pubs is free.
She said something to me and I didn't quite hear her so I went to find out what it was she had said. She was standing at the bottom of the stairs looking down on me and said that she didnt want to be having this conversation with me when she had had so many drinks. Southern Comfort and Coke to be precise, 5 in total. I dont care that she had been drinking, thats up to her but it was not her usual self and I dont quite know if she was sort of threatening me. With what? Maybe she was going to tell me some home truths. Maybe she was going to beat the shit out of me. I have no idea and no wish to know anything anymore.
A week has gone by now since all this has happened I feel like I am breaking through the barricades in my mind. I still feel slightly insecure, hurt, tired, empty and lonely. I know all of this will pass in good time but then I have always been one of lifes worriers. Admittedly I am not half as bad as I used to be many years ago, but sometimes it still creeps up on me when I least expect it to. I do have to learn to just hold my breath or bite my tongue a little longer while things slowly fall together now. But at least I feel I am now getting somewhere, starting to move on. Hopefully this weekend coming will give me a positive answer.
Friday is here now though. I have lists to make, plans to draw up... and a cat to cuddle. I'm thinking this poor cat of mine has been put through so much. He picks up so easily on what is going on around him and I know he doesnt understand, but he senses everything and it brings him down a few pegs and in turn makes him very unsettled indeed.
Time now for me to end my day... a little later than intended so until my next post, TTFN.
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
Do Not Open Until Christmas.
Yesterday I went to London. I got about an hour and a half of sleep before I got up to make the journey via coach to London Victoria Coach Station. It was a good journey, quite comfortable and apart from the one hold up at some roadworks, it was pretty much plain sailing arriving a little later than scheduled. I got of the coach and I immediately realised I didn't recognised where I was, bearing in mind that I usually use National Express but this time went up on the new Greyhound Coach. GPS is a good option to have on ones phone and it usually can get you un-lost pretty quickly. I'm not sure why I look up when I switch on the GPS? I'm pretty well sure I wont see if there is a satellite in view but maybe one day. Anyway, it turned out I did know where I was, I just didn't know it yet. I was on the other side of a building I knew very well in fact, but as I hadn't been there before it had completely thrown me. About 30 feet away I was back in familiar surroundings and ready for my experimental glance at someone on the tube. I skittered on down to the platform and jumped on to the circle line train which is about 13 minutes travelling to Paddington from Victoria main line.
I sat down and remembered I was going to look about at people, sure enough I thought, everyone, heads down, up, sideways, which ever way but not looking at anyone, no talking, nothing. I inwardly giggled, only then spotting a middle aged Japanese gentleman... and he was... LOOKING... at me!!!!!! I looked back and he suddenly (with a gruff voice) shouted, HA HA, leaped up into the air in a slow motion sort of way, mouthing words which really could have done with subtitles or poor English dubbing. Daggers swirled as they left his cool calm hands heading towards me, glimmering in the dim light of the carriage fluorescent tubing.....
At this point I came back to normality, it was all in the battering of an eye really. He looked back down at his paper and carried on reading it. My own vivid imagination filed back in a draw and labelled 'Do Not Open Until Christmas'.
I got to my friends place and found myself in the usual warm and friendly surroundings, even greeted by one of her cats who was just really probably seeing if I involved food. The day itself really consisted of talking about the events of the past week and my own personal torment, how I really was not coping. She helped me see things as I really should do, getting my problems under control without worrying about other things I cannot do anything about. I really owe her big time for all her really good advice. A lot of what is in my mind is always pretty much a jumble, and I spend so much time trying to work it all out, nothing ever seems to get done and before I know its all twisted up again. That's how I picture it right now anyway.
We went out to lunch in the afternoon, a little place just around the corner. There seems to be a lot of little places just around the corner in her neck of the woods. I had a plate of chips and a veggie burger. It wasn't the best burger in the world but it was food and I had not eaten for a while. I managed to eat the best part of the biggest burger I had seen in a while. The chips where very tasty but someone kept pinching them one at a time... I wonder who that was?
The plan was to take a walk down to Hyde Park but by the time we left the clouds had opened up so we decided to abandon that idea and went back home. We chatted loads more and before I knew it time had crept up and it was time to leave. I said my goodbyes and all very quickly I found myself back on the coach travelling homeward.
It doesn't really feel like home anymore even though it felt like home to me. Considering that to come here I left a town and house I spent nearly 5 years of my life in and never felt settled there at all. I broke down again, I have to face facts that my emotions are going to be on a roller coaster for a while yet. Its the frustration, the anger, bitterness, defeat, tension, humiliation... what ever it is, its just a mass of all that and more, twisting inside of me. My emotions are physically wrecked but there are pieces, and I am slowly gluing them together again. I never was much good at airfix though. I must get to grips with it without it pulling me ever downwards. I went to bed and for the first time in I don't know how long, fell asleep and slept solid. Catching up after an estimated 5 hours sleep in one week is good I can tell you.
Wednesday, a week since I was told the breaking news. I had decisions to make and they were made. Today I managed to contact her, and told her I was not prepared to stay here any longer and that at the first opportunity I would be moving out. It is my only realistic option. I cannot stay here with her swanning in and out when she wants to, tarted up like a Gainsborough Lady ready for her next... should I use the word client, is that too strong a word to use?
Well stuff it, I'm not using names here so I cant be accused of misrepresentation of character. Having said that I think a Gainsborough Lady would be non impressed with the assumption of my likeliness to them.
Sorry ladies.
Once I have left here, I might at first struggle financially, but I will come to that bridge when I get to it. But first off, I have to think of the present which is what I am now doing. I have made arrangements tomorrow to go to the letting agency (with her), to have my name removed from this tenancy agreement and to hopefully find myself a new home. I am hoping things will work out swiftly for me. I have contacted an agency regarding a place I am interested in and it would be quite suitable for my needs, being near to the beach and not too far from my workplace. I didn't get a call back as promised so will be pestering them again in the morning. I will keep you all posted on that.
I suppose some people might think that as I am leaving this place (but couldn't afford to keep on my own anyway), she will be winning. But winning what?
Its not a competition, its the rest of my life. If I become happier and at home somewhere new, then it will be I that has won. Maybe she will think that she has won. She will have to take on the full rent here, and the bills. If she moves like she says she will have to do in a couple of months then so be it, not my problem. If she stays, so be it again. NOT my problem. I bet the neighbours will be happy when this place turns into a 'knocking shop' though. If that's the life she appears to want to lead, inviting different men home at will, to play at home so to speak which I am sure she will, then I hope she gets the reputation she already is making for herself and deserves.
Tomorrow night I am going out. I will go on my own and to a place where she may or may not turn up depending on her 'busy schedule'. I am determined that I shall get a social life, one I really never had partially due to this damn agoraphobia, or whatever it is likened to. I will not be shut indoors anymore. I will see people around me I know or at least recognise. I will enjoy good songs, music and maybe some conversation. I will have a drink, maybe only water though. I will try and win on the raffle. I will have a good night. Then I will come home to bed, sleep and find myself in another day, ready to take on the world.
Finally, I have a follower on my blog. Welcome follower, I am so pleased you have taken the time to read my ramblings and leave me a message. I didn't think that anyone outside of a small circle of friends was reading this but now I am proved wrong. May I thank you for kindly showing me those links and info. It was very thoughtful of you and much appreciated. There is a quote that someone had left responding to that page which reads:
“Dont make someone a priority if they only make you an option”.
On those few words, until my next post, be happy.
I sat down and remembered I was going to look about at people, sure enough I thought, everyone, heads down, up, sideways, which ever way but not looking at anyone, no talking, nothing. I inwardly giggled, only then spotting a middle aged Japanese gentleman... and he was... LOOKING... at me!!!!!! I looked back and he suddenly (with a gruff voice) shouted, HA HA, leaped up into the air in a slow motion sort of way, mouthing words which really could have done with subtitles or poor English dubbing. Daggers swirled as they left his cool calm hands heading towards me, glimmering in the dim light of the carriage fluorescent tubing.....
At this point I came back to normality, it was all in the battering of an eye really. He looked back down at his paper and carried on reading it. My own vivid imagination filed back in a draw and labelled 'Do Not Open Until Christmas'.
I got to my friends place and found myself in the usual warm and friendly surroundings, even greeted by one of her cats who was just really probably seeing if I involved food. The day itself really consisted of talking about the events of the past week and my own personal torment, how I really was not coping. She helped me see things as I really should do, getting my problems under control without worrying about other things I cannot do anything about. I really owe her big time for all her really good advice. A lot of what is in my mind is always pretty much a jumble, and I spend so much time trying to work it all out, nothing ever seems to get done and before I know its all twisted up again. That's how I picture it right now anyway.
We went out to lunch in the afternoon, a little place just around the corner. There seems to be a lot of little places just around the corner in her neck of the woods. I had a plate of chips and a veggie burger. It wasn't the best burger in the world but it was food and I had not eaten for a while. I managed to eat the best part of the biggest burger I had seen in a while. The chips where very tasty but someone kept pinching them one at a time... I wonder who that was?
The plan was to take a walk down to Hyde Park but by the time we left the clouds had opened up so we decided to abandon that idea and went back home. We chatted loads more and before I knew it time had crept up and it was time to leave. I said my goodbyes and all very quickly I found myself back on the coach travelling homeward.
It doesn't really feel like home anymore even though it felt like home to me. Considering that to come here I left a town and house I spent nearly 5 years of my life in and never felt settled there at all. I broke down again, I have to face facts that my emotions are going to be on a roller coaster for a while yet. Its the frustration, the anger, bitterness, defeat, tension, humiliation... what ever it is, its just a mass of all that and more, twisting inside of me. My emotions are physically wrecked but there are pieces, and I am slowly gluing them together again. I never was much good at airfix though. I must get to grips with it without it pulling me ever downwards. I went to bed and for the first time in I don't know how long, fell asleep and slept solid. Catching up after an estimated 5 hours sleep in one week is good I can tell you.
Wednesday, a week since I was told the breaking news. I had decisions to make and they were made. Today I managed to contact her, and told her I was not prepared to stay here any longer and that at the first opportunity I would be moving out. It is my only realistic option. I cannot stay here with her swanning in and out when she wants to, tarted up like a Gainsborough Lady ready for her next... should I use the word client, is that too strong a word to use?
Well stuff it, I'm not using names here so I cant be accused of misrepresentation of character. Having said that I think a Gainsborough Lady would be non impressed with the assumption of my likeliness to them.
Sorry ladies.
Once I have left here, I might at first struggle financially, but I will come to that bridge when I get to it. But first off, I have to think of the present which is what I am now doing. I have made arrangements tomorrow to go to the letting agency (with her), to have my name removed from this tenancy agreement and to hopefully find myself a new home. I am hoping things will work out swiftly for me. I have contacted an agency regarding a place I am interested in and it would be quite suitable for my needs, being near to the beach and not too far from my workplace. I didn't get a call back as promised so will be pestering them again in the morning. I will keep you all posted on that.
I suppose some people might think that as I am leaving this place (but couldn't afford to keep on my own anyway), she will be winning. But winning what?
Its not a competition, its the rest of my life. If I become happier and at home somewhere new, then it will be I that has won. Maybe she will think that she has won. She will have to take on the full rent here, and the bills. If she moves like she says she will have to do in a couple of months then so be it, not my problem. If she stays, so be it again. NOT my problem. I bet the neighbours will be happy when this place turns into a 'knocking shop' though. If that's the life she appears to want to lead, inviting different men home at will, to play at home so to speak which I am sure she will, then I hope she gets the reputation she already is making for herself and deserves.
Tomorrow night I am going out. I will go on my own and to a place where she may or may not turn up depending on her 'busy schedule'. I am determined that I shall get a social life, one I really never had partially due to this damn agoraphobia, or whatever it is likened to. I will not be shut indoors anymore. I will see people around me I know or at least recognise. I will enjoy good songs, music and maybe some conversation. I will have a drink, maybe only water though. I will try and win on the raffle. I will have a good night. Then I will come home to bed, sleep and find myself in another day, ready to take on the world.
Finally, I have a follower on my blog. Welcome follower, I am so pleased you have taken the time to read my ramblings and leave me a message. I didn't think that anyone outside of a small circle of friends was reading this but now I am proved wrong. May I thank you for kindly showing me those links and info. It was very thoughtful of you and much appreciated. There is a quote that someone had left responding to that page which reads:
“Dont make someone a priority if they only make you an option”.
On those few words, until my next post, be happy.
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
Facing Facts?
Well I didn't get much sleep again yesterday and it's been a very long day. I'm not sure if I should be bothered at writing more on the subject of whats been going on. I've been quite mild in consideration, holding back on a lot of things I could have said and quite defensive of her still in a way. In the last 24 hours if you think it couldn't have got any worse then think again, it did. We had a long conversation where I found out a lot more about what she had been doing. As it turned out I found out she had been on a website and this is where she found her... erm, new acquaintance. This isn't your average chat site where you would invite Mrs Jones around for a cup of tea and a biscuit. This is the sort of site where Mrs Jones would have to take two tablets, cover up the budgie and switch BBC radio 4 on very loudly before she would even look. The fact is she left all the chat details, profiles etc on MY laptop, which she used for most of the last year, actually longer. I did confront her when she got up to go to work this morning. I was quite calm, collective, and spoke mildly... and I guess cried a little. Apart from all that she was still her cold matter of fact sort of self. She assured me that she didn't need that website anymore as she was happy with the one guy she had found. Now that didn't make any sense to me whatsoever as she had already told me she wanted to be able to see more than one person.
I questioned her about the cold way she had told this guy in the open transcript of how I was a "3 minutes, roll over and sleep" person, with he assuring her he would take her places she had never been to before. I guess he didn't mean Tescos. She was not happy that I had been looking at all this and asked if I would I have read her diary if she had left it open on the table. I said no I wouldn't have but in a quick retort responded by saying, "But if I had left MY diary on the side, would you have written in it?... it's MY FUCKING LAPTOP!!!" I dont remember the reply but she is still adamant I shouldn't have read it. I suppose many other men would have grabbed her by the neck and chucked her out of the door, guess I'm weak? Maybe strong?? I don't know. Anyway, she asked me if she could use the laptop to close down the account after saying goodbye to a few people she had 'befriended' as it would be rude not to say something. Also so she could check her emails etc. God I must be the biggest fucking sucker in the whole world right now.
This evening she came home after her day with him. She had work tonight, well I assume that's where shes gone. We sat down amicably and discussed finances. We came to agreeable terms in the long run, I've yet to decide if Ive been scammed by her yet. Anyway, she was off to bed for a few hours kip before her shift. She was only gone ten minutes when she asked if she could borrow the laptop. I said yes and she still assured me she was only closing down her account as she didn't need it anymore and to check her emails and facebook. I even stood talking to her and made her a cup of tea while she was on there. Well she got up, placed the laptop back in my bedroom and got herself ready for work and left. I said I was going to factory reset the laptop as I had been meaning to do it for months. I booted up the laptop, and I'm sorry but if anyone says I'm wrong on this I would call them liars. Yes, I looked in the history again, assuming that it was all clear and that I would be happy that she had done so. Nope, still there, conversations obviously she had been having while I was talking to her. I really don't think she can help herself anymore and I have lost absolutely all trust in her now totally. I looked and from what I saw before I gave up, she has made arrangements to meet two different guys. one quoted "Shall we have a drink and meal first?". Well, what can you say to that, well I mean please, not on an empty stomach. I assume it wasn't a game of Lawn Bowls as the weather isn't quite right yet. So she has lied, hard cold blooded lies. I really now think everything I had with her was probably a lie on her part. Every ounce of love, emotion and caring I had for her has gone, totally dissolved in this sad state of her sorry mind.
I want to publish this blog to everyone, I'm not yet sure I will. I would be stooping down to her level... but then again no, I don't think I would be. What I am writing is that what is happening in my life. I can still see the funny side of things, perhaps where I am trying to humour myself rather than lose the plot. There are no lies in my words, I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to convey what I have put up with. I don't know how I would have survived this all so far with my few close friends. It must be difficult for them listening to me, when they have been friends with her for far longer than I have known her. I am sorry for putting my problems to them. But they are all I have and I need to talk. They know that, I'm sure. At some stage this blog will turn away from these dark days and hopefully evolve into something worthy of reading for most people. My insight on life. I know that I have a future, and I can make things happen.
I had a nice conversation this evening with friends who in turn commented that they can see how much stronger I have become. I think they might be a little surprised how I have managed to keep my head above water considering all. I think I'm thinking that too. I have some major thinking ahead of me and even bigger decisions to make too I guess, but I will cope. I'm determined.
I was given some inspiration which made me think back to a conversation I had with an old long lost friend I once had. It was just one line that was said to me by that person which has stuck in my memory for all these years, and I think its time to act on those words. It will involve a little research but that's what the Internet is for, apart of course from finding anyone that desperately wants to fuck your brains out, whether its before or after lunch. (I wonder if they give out after eights still?) Anyway, more about my ideas later in another post.
I'm off to London in a few hours, coach ticket booked and I think its going to be a very limited sleep again. I dare say I will be able to get my head down for the 2 hours travelling time. I'm looking forward to the trip, to see an old (Young) good friend of mine who always welcomes me whenever I am there. I always find travelling in London great fun. I feel different while there, its a strange sensation really. The journey, the walking, the tube... but just mostly the people. All in their own little bubble type worlds, especially on the tubes. There is a strange law on the tube trains, well I think this anyway. You can sit next to each other, but you must not look at anyone. Even if you are jammed in like a sardine, standing with your face shoved against Mrs Jones's bosom (shit, how did she get there, and I didn't realise she was quite as tall?), just don't make eye contact. Maybe I will reflect on this tomorrow and actually look someone in the eye just to see what happens, if I am brave enough that is.
Right, enough said, sleep mode activated. More posts soon. As they say, Watch This Space.
I questioned her about the cold way she had told this guy in the open transcript of how I was a "3 minutes, roll over and sleep" person, with he assuring her he would take her places she had never been to before. I guess he didn't mean Tescos. She was not happy that I had been looking at all this and asked if I would I have read her diary if she had left it open on the table. I said no I wouldn't have but in a quick retort responded by saying, "But if I had left MY diary on the side, would you have written in it?... it's MY FUCKING LAPTOP!!!" I dont remember the reply but she is still adamant I shouldn't have read it. I suppose many other men would have grabbed her by the neck and chucked her out of the door, guess I'm weak? Maybe strong?? I don't know. Anyway, she asked me if she could use the laptop to close down the account after saying goodbye to a few people she had 'befriended' as it would be rude not to say something. Also so she could check her emails etc. God I must be the biggest fucking sucker in the whole world right now.
This evening she came home after her day with him. She had work tonight, well I assume that's where shes gone. We sat down amicably and discussed finances. We came to agreeable terms in the long run, I've yet to decide if Ive been scammed by her yet. Anyway, she was off to bed for a few hours kip before her shift. She was only gone ten minutes when she asked if she could borrow the laptop. I said yes and she still assured me she was only closing down her account as she didn't need it anymore and to check her emails and facebook. I even stood talking to her and made her a cup of tea while she was on there. Well she got up, placed the laptop back in my bedroom and got herself ready for work and left. I said I was going to factory reset the laptop as I had been meaning to do it for months. I booted up the laptop, and I'm sorry but if anyone says I'm wrong on this I would call them liars. Yes, I looked in the history again, assuming that it was all clear and that I would be happy that she had done so. Nope, still there, conversations obviously she had been having while I was talking to her. I really don't think she can help herself anymore and I have lost absolutely all trust in her now totally. I looked and from what I saw before I gave up, she has made arrangements to meet two different guys. one quoted "Shall we have a drink and meal first?". Well, what can you say to that, well I mean please, not on an empty stomach. I assume it wasn't a game of Lawn Bowls as the weather isn't quite right yet. So she has lied, hard cold blooded lies. I really now think everything I had with her was probably a lie on her part. Every ounce of love, emotion and caring I had for her has gone, totally dissolved in this sad state of her sorry mind.
I want to publish this blog to everyone, I'm not yet sure I will. I would be stooping down to her level... but then again no, I don't think I would be. What I am writing is that what is happening in my life. I can still see the funny side of things, perhaps where I am trying to humour myself rather than lose the plot. There are no lies in my words, I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to convey what I have put up with. I don't know how I would have survived this all so far with my few close friends. It must be difficult for them listening to me, when they have been friends with her for far longer than I have known her. I am sorry for putting my problems to them. But they are all I have and I need to talk. They know that, I'm sure. At some stage this blog will turn away from these dark days and hopefully evolve into something worthy of reading for most people. My insight on life. I know that I have a future, and I can make things happen.
I had a nice conversation this evening with friends who in turn commented that they can see how much stronger I have become. I think they might be a little surprised how I have managed to keep my head above water considering all. I think I'm thinking that too. I have some major thinking ahead of me and even bigger decisions to make too I guess, but I will cope. I'm determined.
I was given some inspiration which made me think back to a conversation I had with an old long lost friend I once had. It was just one line that was said to me by that person which has stuck in my memory for all these years, and I think its time to act on those words. It will involve a little research but that's what the Internet is for, apart of course from finding anyone that desperately wants to fuck your brains out, whether its before or after lunch. (I wonder if they give out after eights still?) Anyway, more about my ideas later in another post.
I'm off to London in a few hours, coach ticket booked and I think its going to be a very limited sleep again. I dare say I will be able to get my head down for the 2 hours travelling time. I'm looking forward to the trip, to see an old (Young) good friend of mine who always welcomes me whenever I am there. I always find travelling in London great fun. I feel different while there, its a strange sensation really. The journey, the walking, the tube... but just mostly the people. All in their own little bubble type worlds, especially on the tubes. There is a strange law on the tube trains, well I think this anyway. You can sit next to each other, but you must not look at anyone. Even if you are jammed in like a sardine, standing with your face shoved against Mrs Jones's bosom (shit, how did she get there, and I didn't realise she was quite as tall?), just don't make eye contact. Maybe I will reflect on this tomorrow and actually look someone in the eye just to see what happens, if I am brave enough that is.
Right, enough said, sleep mode activated. More posts soon. As they say, Watch This Space.
Monday, 22 March 2010
Smiley Faces
Today was a difficult day. Again I didn't get to sleep until stupid o'clock and so woke about 10:30. I sat on the edge of my bed and felt the tears welling up. Deep breath, deep breath... I got myself out of it. Only just though, so I got myself showered and dressed and went and got a cup of tea. I don't know where the next three hours went but I eventually zapped some power into some batteries, powered up my camera and forced myself out for a stroll. I used the word forced intentionally.
I have a form of Agrophobia, where I have great difficulty in going out alone. I can get to work easy enough yes, but that's set in my mind. Im in a safe mode as such. But when it comes to going out places, socially or otherwise I have great difficulty. It's not a recent thing, but I know I have the problem, just no solution to the problem. Yes, I have been to see a Psychologist earlier last year. I didn't come up with an answer to why I am affected like I am, And I didn't gain a solution on how to bypass it. I find it difficult to interact with people. Whether its because I am really a shy person I don't know, I just feel really out of place. If I am walking down a street on my own and someone is walking towards me, the likelyhood is I will cross the road... and of course cross back over when they have passed.
Well as I was saying, I forced myself to go out. It took a good while to get myself together but I did, and walked out the door. I headed off down to the beach for no reason at all apart from to try and clear my head from all the shit I have taken over the past few days. I walked along the beach towards the pier, as that was my set goal. I stopped for a moment, buying myself a cup of tea from a kiosk and sitting down on one of the benches next to it. I sat there looking out to sea, my mind still really in a mess. Before I knew it I could feel the tears coming again. I managed not to cry, just supping on my hot cup of flavoured water, which wasn't particularly nice but it was better than nothing. I decided to carry on up as far as Southsea Castle. Took a few further pictures from there and decided to walk back as the light was fading. As I think about the day as I type it, it seems strange. I can remember it, but I don't really remember doing it if you know what I mean, almost as if it's just a story I've made up. I did do it though, I should be proud of myself really.
I got home hoping for some reason that she might have been there, but she wasn't. I found out later that she had been with him again. There's not a lot I can do about that to be fair I know, but it still deepened the hurt inside of me. I had tried ringing her earlier to find out if she was home or would be home but she didn't answer, as I should really have expected.
I decided to make some dinner so shoved that in the oven and 30 minutes later dinner was done. Cheese Vegetable Pie, Beans and ...... SMILEY FACES!!!!!!!
I really should see the funny side of this but there I am looking down at these reconstituted frozen/baked potato bastards. I mean why are they so f**king happy. I think I quite mentally stabbed each one, that'll teach these potato drug induced smilers to look up at me off my plate with such insensitive grins. Having said all that, they didn't taste too bad!
I keep looking at my phone hoping that someone might call, not that I get too many calls but I feel so lonely now, I dont mind saying that. I have said it before and I will say it again. I just want to talk, it doesnt matter about what, just human contact. Someone who is interested, someone who really wants to talk to me for me being me. I feel guilty calling people in case they are trying to avoid me or really don't know what to say to me which is probably more the likely to be the case. In the end I called my Cousin Lynne who I really don't call often enough but should. We can normally have a good laugh at our (mainly disfunctional) family's expense. I don't know when I last saw Lynne, I sort of remember what she looks like, it's been that long. She said she recently saw my facebook picture and immediately likened me to my Dad and Grandfather. Not sure if it was the beard that did it.. but thanks for that dear cousin, something more for me to worry about??? I suppose it would have been worse if she had said I looked like one of my brothers, I would have been on the next bus and knocking on her door. It seemed I talked to her for quite a while and I think I almost forgot how I have been feeling for a short while. It was a good conversation and I thank her for taking the time to talk with me.
Later on I heard the key in the door, she had come home, I basically needed to talk with her and for once, she actually sat down. I'm not going to go into the greatest of details about that conversation. One because I can't remember much of it apart from learning some more stuff I didn't want to hear about, and two, the likelyhood of me thinking about it will just not help me in my emotional state. I do remember I ended up in tears again. I have resigned myself to the fact that its going to happen a lot more. But we have at least decided to sit down sometime in the week and try and sort out the financial side of things. Well thats the plan anyway. Whether it will happen like that is anyones guess.
So what now, its 02:36 and Im wide awake again. If I went and laid down I would probably sleep but then what do I have to get up to. Nothing, she will be out at work and then she will be out with HIM directly after that during the day. She will supposedly be home in the early evening. She has at least let me know her plans which I am greatful for, because for as much as she has done to hurt me, I still do worry about her. NOTE TO SELF: If I am reading this in a years time, I wonder how differently I feel about it all?
Tomorrow I will be planning my day trip to London . I always like going to London, it's not just being there, it's the journey to and from I love. But I do make sure I get to see my good friend there who has been a great support to me over the years I have known her. Whatever problems I have had, she has always been there with some great advice and I hope she knows that I really do appreciate it all.
Right, well it's cup of tea time and then bed. There's more than a couple of biscuits in the cupboard too, lucky for those choccy digestives that they ain't those square-ish jammy smiley faced ones, or it would probably be a mass murder... 'oh crumbs'!!!
On that note, see you on the next post.
I have a form of Agrophobia, where I have great difficulty in going out alone. I can get to work easy enough yes, but that's set in my mind. Im in a safe mode as such. But when it comes to going out places, socially or otherwise I have great difficulty. It's not a recent thing, but I know I have the problem, just no solution to the problem. Yes, I have been to see a Psychologist earlier last year. I didn't come up with an answer to why I am affected like I am, And I didn't gain a solution on how to bypass it. I find it difficult to interact with people. Whether its because I am really a shy person I don't know, I just feel really out of place. If I am walking down a street on my own and someone is walking towards me, the likelyhood is I will cross the road... and of course cross back over when they have passed.
Well as I was saying, I forced myself to go out. It took a good while to get myself together but I did, and walked out the door. I headed off down to the beach for no reason at all apart from to try and clear my head from all the shit I have taken over the past few days. I walked along the beach towards the pier, as that was my set goal. I stopped for a moment, buying myself a cup of tea from a kiosk and sitting down on one of the benches next to it. I sat there looking out to sea, my mind still really in a mess. Before I knew it I could feel the tears coming again. I managed not to cry, just supping on my hot cup of flavoured water, which wasn't particularly nice but it was better than nothing. I decided to carry on up as far as Southsea Castle. Took a few further pictures from there and decided to walk back as the light was fading. As I think about the day as I type it, it seems strange. I can remember it, but I don't really remember doing it if you know what I mean, almost as if it's just a story I've made up. I did do it though, I should be proud of myself really.
I got home hoping for some reason that she might have been there, but she wasn't. I found out later that she had been with him again. There's not a lot I can do about that to be fair I know, but it still deepened the hurt inside of me. I had tried ringing her earlier to find out if she was home or would be home but she didn't answer, as I should really have expected.
I decided to make some dinner so shoved that in the oven and 30 minutes later dinner was done. Cheese Vegetable Pie, Beans and ...... SMILEY FACES!!!!!!!
I really should see the funny side of this but there I am looking down at these reconstituted frozen/baked potato bastards. I mean why are they so f**king happy. I think I quite mentally stabbed each one, that'll teach these potato drug induced smilers to look up at me off my plate with such insensitive grins. Having said all that, they didn't taste too bad!
I keep looking at my phone hoping that someone might call, not that I get too many calls but I feel so lonely now, I dont mind saying that. I have said it before and I will say it again. I just want to talk, it doesnt matter about what, just human contact. Someone who is interested, someone who really wants to talk to me for me being me. I feel guilty calling people in case they are trying to avoid me or really don't know what to say to me which is probably more the likely to be the case. In the end I called my Cousin Lynne who I really don't call often enough but should. We can normally have a good laugh at our (mainly disfunctional) family's expense. I don't know when I last saw Lynne, I sort of remember what she looks like, it's been that long. She said she recently saw my facebook picture and immediately likened me to my Dad and Grandfather. Not sure if it was the beard that did it.. but thanks for that dear cousin, something more for me to worry about??? I suppose it would have been worse if she had said I looked like one of my brothers, I would have been on the next bus and knocking on her door. It seemed I talked to her for quite a while and I think I almost forgot how I have been feeling for a short while. It was a good conversation and I thank her for taking the time to talk with me.
Later on I heard the key in the door, she had come home, I basically needed to talk with her and for once, she actually sat down. I'm not going to go into the greatest of details about that conversation. One because I can't remember much of it apart from learning some more stuff I didn't want to hear about, and two, the likelyhood of me thinking about it will just not help me in my emotional state. I do remember I ended up in tears again. I have resigned myself to the fact that its going to happen a lot more. But we have at least decided to sit down sometime in the week and try and sort out the financial side of things. Well thats the plan anyway. Whether it will happen like that is anyones guess.
So what now, its 02:36 and Im wide awake again. If I went and laid down I would probably sleep but then what do I have to get up to. Nothing, she will be out at work and then she will be out with HIM directly after that during the day. She will supposedly be home in the early evening. She has at least let me know her plans which I am greatful for, because for as much as she has done to hurt me, I still do worry about her. NOTE TO SELF: If I am reading this in a years time, I wonder how differently I feel about it all?
Tomorrow I will be planning my day trip to London . I always like going to London, it's not just being there, it's the journey to and from I love. But I do make sure I get to see my good friend there who has been a great support to me over the years I have known her. Whatever problems I have had, she has always been there with some great advice and I hope she knows that I really do appreciate it all.
Right, well it's cup of tea time and then bed. There's more than a couple of biscuits in the cupboard too, lucky for those choccy digestives that they ain't those square-ish jammy smiley faced ones, or it would probably be a mass murder... 'oh crumbs'!!!
On that note, see you on the next post.
Saturday, 20 March 2010
Fortune Cookie
I had a 'blip' this morning, I stupidly thought that I had got some sort of grip on my emotions. I found out I was still only clinging to reality. I tried to have a conversation with her, but it wasn't going to happen. I just don't understand how one person can manage to totally devestate a persons life in an instant like that. What has changed so much in of a matter of a few days that she can't even speak to me properly. It feels to me like she might be enjoying this.
I dare say she is at the centre of her own little world, and I don't mean that in a nasty way. Im not sure anyone is truly with her though? Perhaps she wasn't expecting me to cry so much. Perhaps she was expecting me to shout and scream blue murder at her. I couldn't do that, not to someone who has meant everything to me, however she has treated me.
I have started to notice some changes in me though. Im starting to feel a little bit of bitterness, rightly or wrongly so, I suppose I should expect that. But thats half my problem, I think too much about things that I cant do anything about. I know I am going to have to make drastic changes, and even if they are for the good of me, some of those things scare me. I had another chat on the phone again today with my good friend. She sees things so clearly, it helps.. it really does help. I do hope that this feeling of a fine shell around me will soon break away and I can stretch my wings a little.
You might be wondering what any of this had got to do with a fortune cookie if you read my title. I was feeling, or thought I was feeling hungry earlier.
I went to a local chinese takaway and bought some chips and battered mushrooms. I ate the chips forcably, but the battered mushrooms went in the bin. I still feel hungry now but I dont think its hunger, its just a true empty feeling. Anyway, we know all about that now.
In the bag I found they had put a fortune cookie inside. I was expecting to break open a world of advice (as you do) on my current problems. With anticipation I opened up the packet and snapped open the 'cookie', carefully removing the slip of paper with all the words of wisdom to help me through my darkest days.... it read "YOU WOULD MAKE AN EXCELLENT ACTOR." I could read a lot into that... but I won't. Yet!!! More tomorrow maybe.
I dare say she is at the centre of her own little world, and I don't mean that in a nasty way. Im not sure anyone is truly with her though? Perhaps she wasn't expecting me to cry so much. Perhaps she was expecting me to shout and scream blue murder at her. I couldn't do that, not to someone who has meant everything to me, however she has treated me.
I have started to notice some changes in me though. Im starting to feel a little bit of bitterness, rightly or wrongly so, I suppose I should expect that. But thats half my problem, I think too much about things that I cant do anything about. I know I am going to have to make drastic changes, and even if they are for the good of me, some of those things scare me. I had another chat on the phone again today with my good friend. She sees things so clearly, it helps.. it really does help. I do hope that this feeling of a fine shell around me will soon break away and I can stretch my wings a little.
You might be wondering what any of this had got to do with a fortune cookie if you read my title. I was feeling, or thought I was feeling hungry earlier.
I went to a local chinese takaway and bought some chips and battered mushrooms. I ate the chips forcably, but the battered mushrooms went in the bin. I still feel hungry now but I dont think its hunger, its just a true empty feeling. Anyway, we know all about that now.
In the bag I found they had put a fortune cookie inside. I was expecting to break open a world of advice (as you do) on my current problems. With anticipation I opened up the packet and snapped open the 'cookie', carefully removing the slip of paper with all the words of wisdom to help me through my darkest days.... it read "YOU WOULD MAKE AN EXCELLENT ACTOR." I could read a lot into that... but I won't. Yet!!! More tomorrow maybe.
Emptyness
Its 01:00 as I write this, my sleep pattern is totally out of sync even for my standards. Time seems to be disappearing as I keep drifting into a haze of emptyness. I want to be able to go backwards in time, Im trying to work out where I have gone wrong. Im trying to find answers, am I a bad person? Was it something Ive said? Something Ive done to really hurt her? I heard her laughing from her bedroom tonight.. on the phone to someone. I didnt need to guess who, I asked if she was having a laugh at my expense? Im told I never come into the conversation. I mean its almost as though I ever meant anything to her, its how I feel. I havent cried since about 3pm. I suppose thats good, or Im just cried out, I dont know. I still hurt, I feel fragile, lonely, hollow and even vulnerable. How am I going to trust anyone again. I had 11 years of a crap life prior to meeting her and I know she wasnt having a good time. I thought at last I had found someone so special, and for her to be able to do this to me, us? She still hasn't even shown one little ounce of emotion... but I guess shes having too good a time. Good luck to her, but I wont be trying to defend her actions anymore, cos I feel thats what Ive been trying to do, by not telling anyone. She hasn't even told her daughter to date, who I will actually miss seeing. She is a good girl and I wish her well. Well, people will find out soon enough that the two of us have come to this abrupt end. My close friends know, and they have been a great support, I thank them for that. Im not sure where I would be at this point in time if it hadn't been for them. So thank you guys and gals, you know who you are. Time to plug myself in and sleep (the fun of cpap). Goodnight world.
Friday, 19 March 2010
Down Down Deeper and Down
I managed to get an appointment with a Doctor today. My normal doctor was away but I got to see another doctor who I have seen before and that doctor is a good listener. I have been upped on the 'Happy Tablets' as hoped for, although I was heading that way anyway. Got to sleep about 3:30 this morning and got up reasonably early. Cried for most of the day so far, it just keeps creeping up on me. I have also been crying on the phone to a dear friend, my mother, at the doctors, walking in the street... yep Ive got it bad. But in the same breath, between deep breaths, I know I will make it through in the end. The pain and anguish are there for a reason. I should be angry, but Im not really, just still very very numb. My head still hurts from the strain. Maybe I will be angry later, I just dont know.
I'm going to have to find somewhere new to live and pretty soon I guess.
I cant afford to stay here on my own as much as I would like to. Im pretty tired right now but I dont want to sleep. I think a walk to the local shops might do me good. A bit of fresh air as they say. I thought about the shops earlier and then up popped the 'you cant afford to be spending money on trivial things now' moment. Damn I know Im right but right now theres a lot worse, so if it helps, wtf.
I'm going to have to find somewhere new to live and pretty soon I guess.
I cant afford to stay here on my own as much as I would like to. Im pretty tired right now but I dont want to sleep. I think a walk to the local shops might do me good. A bit of fresh air as they say. I thought about the shops earlier and then up popped the 'you cant afford to be spending money on trivial things now' moment. Damn I know Im right but right now theres a lot worse, so if it helps, wtf.
Never Been Happier
A few days ago, if you had asked me how I was feeling I would have said, "Never been happier". Then on Wednesday evening the woman I was engaged to for just over a year, the 'girl' I loved with all my heart tells me she has been seeing someone else for the last two weeks and went to bed with him on the first night. Not a relationship, just fun, but she wants me out of her life. She wants to be single cos thats what makes her happy. To be able to go off to a pub and meet a bloke and shag him the same night. Well at least she wasnt blunt about it.
For the last 24 hours I dont know where my head has been, but it wasnt/isn't in a good place. Ive cried more tears than I thought possible, Ive never felt so gutted or unwanted in my entire life.
As this blog is the start of a new venture for me, to come to terms with what has happened and what is going to happen with the rest of my life I will sign of now. When my mind is clear, then I will continue.
For the last 24 hours I dont know where my head has been, but it wasnt/isn't in a good place. Ive cried more tears than I thought possible, Ive never felt so gutted or unwanted in my entire life.
As this blog is the start of a new venture for me, to come to terms with what has happened and what is going to happen with the rest of my life I will sign of now. When my mind is clear, then I will continue.
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