Today has been a good day. I woke from a proper nights sleep. I have so few of those, and I actually felt good. I didn't even wear my cpap mask because I went straight off to sleep. Anyway, I was up and awake before 8am which on a non work day is almost unheard of. I opened the living room blinds to see a bird fly in front of me onto the trunk of a tree across the road. Camera to hand I took a few shots of a beautiful Green Woodpecker doing a traditional woodpecker pose. Quite pleased with myself with that, I waited for the engineers to turn up to replace my gas and electric meters. I wont bother you with the details of that but I now have two nice non card/key payment type ones. No more running to the non local shop to get topped up. I could see it was going to be a nice day, the sun shining and a real blue sky. I decided that today was the day I would go for a walk. That was a about 10:30. At 15:30 I managed to prise myself out of the door. Camera in hand I walked off towards the water that I have looked at daily from my window but not ventured out to. The area is know as Milton Common and is the site of what was once mudland and part known as Milton Lake. The area has been reclaimed and turned into grassland. There are three large freshwater lakes called Swan Lake, Duck Lake and Frog Lake.

When I got to the Swan Lake there was someone throwing quantities of bread into the water, which isnt ideal for any of the creatures living there but most of what was thrown in was quickly snapped up by the gulls. Once the gulls had had their fill it turned peaceful again and I took one of my first shots of the day.















A little further along I passed another photographer, we gave each other an agreeable nod as we did so. A few minutes later we found ourselves in the same spot together taking pictures that can be only described as 'one of those moments'. I think I took over 100 shots of this pair of swans with their 6, 2 day old chicks.















At one point while photographing the swans I met with some other smaller creatures. As I had knelt down I balanced myself by placing my hand down onto the grass. Good idea in theory but the nest of brown ants didnt see it that way. Three bites of the most painful sort were shared by them and it was three hours before the pain subsided.

Taking the walk a litttle further on I came to an open end to the lake. I walked up to the waters edge and stood looking. Then there right in front of me at almost arms length....




















One, two, three and then 4 Coot chicks. Mum was close by and it turned out there were 6 in total, two hiding in some long grass.

Sedge Warblers flitting about. Great tits, Greenfinches, Moorhens are just some of the other birds I got to see and hear.

There were wild flowers waiting for my keen eye to spot and capture...

Then it was time to return home.

I had a good day and the first real good day since moving to my new home. I saw lots of things I like, took a zillion or so photo's which I like doing. I got some fresh air, some sunlight into my eyes. A overall sense of wellbeing.

Today WAS a good day.

Spaghetti With a Chance of Meatballs!

The days seem to be flying by and all I seem to be doing is work. My days off are wasted and I know that its all my fault in part. I seem to have had a mad fill of hospital appointments this week too and have had to shuffle my days around to fit things in.

Im finding myself struggling to do things or go places again. I think mainly because I am worrying about the cost of things. I barely have two pennies to rub together and for the first time in my life I am in debt. She still has not come up with the money she owes me and so I will be in debt until she comes good with her promises. Im still holding my breath for the moment. It might appear, albeit late in the day.

I went online last night and did a sensible at Tesco's again for basic groceries. The fridge, freezer and cupboards are all well stocked and will sustain me for a few more weeks. I also needed a haircut badly and seemed to keep putting having it done off. I walked past a hairdressers this afternoon and after walking by, I doubled back on myself and went in. And you know what, I had a great conversation with the lady who did my hair and it was so refreshing to be able to talk about stuff in general. We spoke about the FA Cup Final being held tomorrow and how it was going to affect trade locally for a few hours. We spoke about Iron Man, who I have no idea about but one young member of her family loves to run about madly in his Iron Man costume and everytime he does the sun shines. Idle gossip, god how I miss simple converastion. That lady might not realise it but as she cut my hair it was more than just a hair cut... it was like therapy. I walked out of that shop smiling.

Tonight I have the fun of setting myself up for a sleep study. I collected the equipment from the hospital today and was given a brief run down on how to wire myself up. Oh I can see problems coming up. The thing is basically a unit the is strapped to be waist and then wired and tubes conected to my ribs and chest. THen there is a small unit that goes over my middle finger of my left hand which I think monitors the oxygen levels in my blood. Another tube hooks up to my face mask which I have to use when I go to sleep, which is in turn attached to the cpap maching. This forces air into me keeping my airway open. Oh the joys of sleep Apnoea (did I spell that right???). Tonight I am going to resemble a pile of spaghetti... if there are steaming meatballs on top then I wired myself up wrong!!!!!
The reason for this study is that although I have been using the cpap machine for quite some time now, I am still having a lot of trouble staying awake during the day. The machine should have made some major difference but its apparent that its not having the effect it should be. So this is just basically being set up to see what is going on while I am apparently sleeping. Hopefully there will be some answers.

On top of all that I had another appointment at the hospital today too. This was at the hearing clinic. I have had a hearing aid for some months now but they would only put one in my 'good' ear. I didnt even know I had hearing loss in that ear until quite recently when they set me up for the aid. The ear that I am really quite deaf in has caused me a lot of problems over the year and which rsulted in my having a major operation on it in 2002. Regular visits to the hospital have been ongoing since then. Today the specialist made the decision to give the go ahead for a hearing aid in my deaf ear. Who would have thought it eh. They really did have reasons for concern putting a hearing aid into me 'deaf' ear, but it is going to be so interesting to see if this makes the difference I have been in need of for such a long time.

So its time to go wire myself up... until the next post.

Blossoming

Things are becoming normal in my life, if that is the correct way to describe it.
I still have my 'feeling down' moments, there are no highs and I'm not really expecting any. No, that's a actually a lie. I had a visit from my cousin who I have not seen in years. Probably about January 2002 if memory serves me right. It wasn't a long stay but she drove down and I cooked what turned out to be a lovely veggie roast dinner with apple pie and custard for pudding. Amazing what you can do with frozen foods. My cousin didn't complain either and she polished off her plate quite quickly. We just chatted about things regarding our families past and present. Remembering our grandparents and talking plenty about, as I have previously described... our dysfunctional families of the present. That was on Sunday and probably the first real conversation face to face I have had since I was in London which must be at least 6 weeks ago now. I'm not afraid to admit I feel quite lonely. I mean, as bad the experiences I have had over the past few years were, there was at least someone in my life and conversations to be had. Now I go to work and come home. There are no conversations as such. Hello's and 'Do you work here?' by customers is as much as I can hope for. I come home to the cat and get a lot of noise which interprets loosely as, 'Where the fudge have you been for the last 10 hours, don't you know I need feeding?'. I have Friday off this week so I plan to go out on Thursday evening to The Barn which is local to me. They hold an Open Mic night there every Thursday which I have been to plenty of times before. I feel like going along just to get me out of the flat. But not just for that reason. Actually because I feel like I want to go. I know a few faces there and there is generally some good music to be heard. I hope I manage to switch off the getting out the door phobia. I will let you know how it goes.

I don't know if I have mentioned it previously but I came home the other day and the flowering Cherry Tree outside my window had burst open its flower buds in one gigantic blossom explosion.
The deep blue sky against the pink hues of the blossom looked fantastic and it brought a smile to my face as the sunlight filtered through the opaque petals.
I love nature at its best and in its natural glory. I think it is great to see things happen like that. I call it natures art, because that to me is what it is. I have added a photo I took so you can share some of my enjoyment.

Which brings me to something else. I have always had a passion for all things art. Drawing, painting, design, photography and of course, nature. All of those categories fit well with each other. Well in my book they do anyway and I think that that is where I am going to head. Like some people who play a musical instrument, they take great pride in what they do and achieve, but always striving for a little more, something new, something different. I have always been told I am good at art and photography. Ever since I was a young child I was always pointed out at school as 'the boy who can draw'. I know people like my photography, because I am told so by folks who see my photos.
Today, I had a nice message from a dear friend whom I have never met but have known for a long time via the Internet. She said that if I ever start to publish my artwork on a website or blog, make sure I let her know. That is what I am going to do. I will keep this blog ongoing as a reminder of my daily-ish thoughts, but open up some new pages in the form of a gallery to show some of my work. This in turn will be the incentive to get me out in my spare time to take photos of the things around me locally, and maybe sit and sketch, something I have not done for a very long time.

So there it is, I have an action plan in the making. I didn't see it coming but its just slapped me right across the face shouting wakey wakey.

Waking is something I will be doing in about 6 hours from now so until the next post...

Living in a World of Sundays

Well, it took a long time coming but I have finally got around to another installment of this blog. I feel like a totally different person from the one I was when I started this off those few weeks ago. Well since then, I have found and moved into my new home. Things have gone very well and everything went smoothly more or less. I have been here just over a week now and I feel at home. I didnt think I would but I do. Im not bothered about anything or anyone now. I am free to live my own life again and although I wouldnt say I am happy happy, I am ok and not struggling to keep up with things. She is acting a little strange as it turns out. For one that went off on one with me like there was no tomorrow, she has suddenly been strangely friendly towards me. I seriously think she needs to know what I am doing and how I am coping. Maybe she thinks I wouldnt and wants to gloat. Im not sure but I am a little wary. She has been around a couple of times now mainly to bring odd things that got left behind and post that has gone there. But she has also called up to ask if I am home as she wants to come and help me get things tidy and unpacked. This evening included. So she came around and started by sitting down and promptly falling asleep on the sofa. She had come round straight from work and was obviously tired. I made a cup of tea anda she had woken again by then and got around to emptying some of the boxes. Admittedly she has a knack of getting things done but I felt a little like she was trying to be in control. I have got on for the week without her and I to be quite frank, not really given much thought about her. Its how she wanted it and its how she is getting it. I really cant be arsed anymore. She showed me the sort of person she really is inside and I do not really want to associate myself with her anymore. It all feels a little surreal with her being here. Im not quite sure why she is bothering.

Anyway, enough about her for the moment. I have a home, a flat and a nice one at that. The furniture is in place and shelves filled with all manner of books and dvd's. I have new pots and pans which means I can now cook some real food at last. I have food in the cupboards and freezer. Everything is just about in its place and it feels good. I can go to bed at night and get a reasonable good nights sleep, well as much as I can with bouts of waking up. Im not sure why I am waking but I hope to get to the bottom of that when I have my sleep apnoea clinic on Thursday. I am wearing my face mask so I shouldnt be waking up. All I know is I am having trouble, and I mean real trouble staying awake during the day at work. Im worried that its seriously going to effect my health.

Something else I cant quite believe is how quiet it is here. Outside is like living in a world of Sundays. Hardly a car on the road and few people about at any time. Its almost like a typical sleepy village. When you sit at the bus stop it seems you will always end up in a conversation with whoever else is standing there. Its almost like being in a different world and still only half a mile maybe from where I was living before. I dont mind it at all though. I can open my windows and not hear traffic. I can hear birds though. I can look out of my window and see the water on Langstone Harbour on the far side of the university sports field. I have not ventured out for a walk yet as I have had work to do and getting things sorted out indoors. I may have a little wander tomorrow afternoon if the weather is nice.

Did I say it earlier in this post... well if I did I am going to say it again anyway. I feel so very different. I am not ashamed of the way I felt before I got to here. I learned some valuable lessons in life. Who to trust, who not to trust. True friendships, and some with empty values. I went through sheer hell, but although I didnt know it then, it has made me stronger. Everything that has happened in the past is just that... 'in the past'. I have a future, and it is what I make of it that will make all the difference. Im looking forward to moving forward and setting out with some new plans and ideas. Starting out taking small steps at a time, little by little until I can start to take bigger steps and make my life worthy of living. I look forward to being the me I can be. It will take time but I will get there. I hope that in some way people will see me for who I am and maybe try and get to know me a little more. Not because they have to but because they want to. If that happens then I know I will have made a very big difference.

Enough said for now. Until the next post....

Penny Pinching

I've been sitting here with a blank screen in front of me for about 5 minutes now not knowing for sure what to write. I don't want to go over again what I have already been saying. Nothing has changed there. I managed to have a conversation with her this evening albeit short lived. I questioned her over a matter of money. Money that she has promised me from the outset to pay for the costs of myself having to move out. She keeps avoiding giving me any straight answer. Tonight was not any different really. She basically told me to stop going on about it. She told me how she had to shell out £400 fees to the bank today, and that was not expected by her. I only pointed out to her that I hadn't expected to be suddenly confronted with the costs of having to leave my home, because of her actions. That was the end of the conversation. I went and cooked myself something to eat and watched a little tv. She suddenly flew down the stairs and I managed to ask what she was doing and she said going to get something to eat. Well I assumed the local chippy but that was about 3 hours ago so I can assume that I will get woken later when she comes in the front door. Well that is assuming she does come in tonight and not 06:30 like she did this morning. Still, its no skin of my nose. She can do what she pleases, she cant do any worse than what she has already done to me. She has more than proved that she has very few morals, if any. The likely hood of me getting any of this money at the moment doesn't look very likely. Its mostly money she owes me from when we first moved down here. I used up all of what savings I had and she promised me back then that she would repay me for various things when she was working again. Well she got regular work but the money didn't show. I didn't ask her for it as I didn't think I had to. We were together and I was happy with that. I thought I would get the money sooner or later. But again, now I look back on things, its all clear that she has tried to make a fool out of me and used me from the outset.
I will badger her until she pays me what she owes me minimum. Just because I will have moved out does not mean she wont here from me. I will make sure she doesn't forget. And when she has done the honest thing, then she can do whatever she pleases. But I WILL be on her back until then. I might be starting to sound mean but I don't think I am being anything of the sort. Its time she started understanding a few things. All the time she is seen by me to be going out to various places for dinners, pubs, whatever else, I see that as her spending money that belongs to me. I have nothing now, she has seen to that. She told me I should scrimp and save a little but how do you scrimp and save something when you haven't got anything to scrimp and save with. Well she can do a bit of penny pinching to and give me what she owes me. Then and only then will I let her be. I think it might be a long month or so for the both of us.

Well I have one more day at work until my 3 day epic weekend starts. So much to do, I am hoping everything goes smoothly and without any problems. I was thinking that I have not been living on my own now for over 5 years. I never thought I would end up back to living alone again. I have a fear of being alone, I'm not sure how I will cope with that. It might come a lot easier than I am thinking right now. But there is one certain thing I know I will not miss and that is being in the same house as her. That I will be glad of. There will be a lot of things to get used to again while living the single life. There will also be a lot of changes made to my life and how I spend my time. As long as I just enjoy the experience and make things happen for me, then all will be good in the world. If other people are not interested in what I do then that's not my problem, I will find others that share common interests. This is the rest of my life and I am going to start living.
And as long as my little putty tat has a warm place or two to sleep his days away, then he will be happy too.

I hope to add a final post tomorrow night before I ship out to new worlds... well just along the road actually. If not then the next one will be from my new home and there should be plenty to tell then.

So, until the next post...

Almost There

Well it has been a few days since my last post. There have been arguments and moments of tense peace over the last few days. Lots of stuff has been packed and ready to be moved on Saturday, the day I finally move out. I say finally like its something that I have been waiting to do for a long time. Its been almost a month now since I found out what she had been doing. And even now I am seeing her totally differently from how I used to. She really isn't the person I knew and I don't say that just because I am trying to get back at her for how she treated me. Its because she really has changed. I don't know this person she has become. She is not a nice person, and I am glad I will not be around her for much longer and I wont have to think about her.
I was recently made aware via what she has told me that she is now in a relationship. I will try not to laugh too much as I write this. She told me the other night quite sincerely that her 'new bloke' really feels bad for me. I asked why he would think that as she never talks about me according to what she does tell me. She said its because he said it he feels for me because I have lost such a wonderful woman like her. Oh is she for real... or is he for that matter. When I first met her I didn't think anything of her. We were just in the same place at the same time. We met a few more times at various venues. When we finally got together I did fall in love quickly and I did think she was a wonderful person. But when I met her she was seeing various other guys but she stopped seeing them for me. I now know she never was really going to change for long. That's why I feel I was just a convenient excuse for her to leave London and move in with me before moving where we live... lived together until now. She is manipulative, that's for sure and she will quite happily latch on to people to get whatever it is she wants for that moment. She will hurt people to get what she wants. She has proved that on two other occasions that I know of. She will be happy for a while... maybe she will be happy for years. It shouldn't matter to me any more. I just hope that one day she will make a mistake and people will really see her for what she really is. There are people about her who I really don't think know what has gone on. All they know is she is 'single' again. I don't think they are aware how much she hurt me. I know there are those that do know what I went through. Sadly some have chosen to act as if nothing has happened. A form of acceptance and I guess it makes her feel that she has a seal of approval from them. I'm not sure that is the case but it makes me feel bad that I have, due to all that has happened, made life awkward for them. But those people have not been in touch to see how I am. Are they people I can still call friends? Maybe they only tolerated me because I was with her. I don't suppose I will know for sure. I just know I will feel awkward around those people if we cross each others paths.

Something I am becoming aware of is that my dreams, although I cant remember them, are disturbing my sleep. I think my unconscious mind is struggling to cope with all the data it is trying to make sense of. I am feeling very tired again. Even with a so called good amount of sleep I still feel drained. I hope it is just everything that has happened and that is happening that's causing it.

Well I will try and get one more post in before my move. Then it will be at least the middle of the week before I can post again as I get the cable set up again mid week.

So until the next post.... to my friends and those who read this, may only good find you.

Happy Bunny

A Passing Thought

Should there ever be a day in my life I want to cry, today is the day.
The day that again, I feel abused without a touch being felt,
a word being said, a look being glanced.
Today is the day I am going to be sad, but only for today.
For tomorrow is not today, and who knows what tomorrow will bring me?

John Day - 13/09/97 02:56am


While sorting through stuff that has been packed and unpacked and then repacked over the years, I found an old note pad of mine with the above entry in.
I could have written those words yesterday.

It has been a quiet day today. No arguments and she did help me in getting started with the packing. Not that I have got much done so it means twice as much work tomorrow but it will be done. Its got to be. I managed to get hold of a removal company and they are coming out to 'preview' what needs to be removed on Monday afternoon. I also managed to speak to the cable company and I was stunned. I told them I was moving and as finances would be a little tight initially, would it be possible perhaps to take away some of the services or reduce them. I could do without the phone line as I have enough airtime on my mobile to cover most of what I would ever use. The guy on the end of the phone said I would only reduce the bills by about £4 a month and as it costs approximately £30 now it wasnt a great amount. He then said, 'Hold on a mo, let me tap a few keys here and see what happens', followed by,' how about we reduce your payments to £17 for six months?'. I asked if that was for the same service I was receiving now and the answer came back as a firm yes.
How is that for customer service and what a great way of keeping your customers.
The thing is I have always been impressed with the customer services at Virgin and I would always recommend them to anyone.

So I am a happy bunny today. I feel better than I have in a while, and although I still have a long way to go before I get my life sorted out, I feel I am now getting somewhere.

Tiredness creeps up on me quickly and this moment in time is of no exception,
so until my next post... and may your day tomorrow, whichever day it happens to be, be a happy one.